


If You Came To Me First

by WolfDogstar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Court Rooms, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Gay Sex, Gen, M/M, Mention of Suicide Attempt, Minor Character Death, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Remus's POV, Sirius's POV, Suicidal Thoughts, Vomiting, Wizengamot trials, possible trigger warning, set during PoA
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-05-03 11:38:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 49,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14568222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfDogstar/pseuds/WolfDogstar
Summary: It's an AU where Sirius after escaping Azkaban, seeks out Remus and explains his situation, hoping Remus would understand him.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------He escaped Azkaban. He saw the rat on the paper and the date. It had been tw..twelve years.Twelve years since James and Lily died.Twelve years since Hagrid took Harry away from his arms.Twelve years since he had seen Remus.Twelve years since he was imprisoned





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own anything

**Sirius's POV**

When Sirius opened his eyes against the early morning sun, he realized he was still in his animagus form but what confused him more was... _the sun_. There was no sunlight in Azkaban, no scent of the sweet sea that he could almost taste in his mouth now, no sand that blew over his face and surprisingly there was heat in his body. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt the heat of the sun. His nose instinctively searched for the stench of fear, madness and death. When he found none, he breathed. It felt like he had been holding his breath forever. The scent of things he had forgotten were almost overwhelming to his senses.

  
_May be I'm dead._ He thought.

  
But no if this was some afterlife fantasy playing out in his head, there's one person who would be with him right now.

  
_Remus._

  
He isn't dead.

  
He tried moving his limbs and the aching muscles made him realize he was quite alive. Pushing himself up on four legs he almost yelped in joy at the sight in front of him.  
For miles around there was nothing but sea and sand, glimmering in the sunlight. The sand sparked under his feet and he dug his paws under the warm sand. The sensation of adrenaline coursing through him felt alien. He looked at the sea in front of him. Water, clear blue water was all he could see till the horizon. There was no one around for miles. Padfoot couldn't hear anything other than the roaring of wind in his ears and breaking of waves on the shore. He looked behind him to see that he was protected by a towering cliff that caved out on either side, protecting him from the outside world.

  
He changed to his human form and sat down burying his feet under the sand again. Warmth seeped into his skin and bones. His skin felt soft and sensitive and hard at the same time. The sand on his skin felt soft and it tickled him. He raised his hand against the sun and marvelled at how the sand grains sparkled like little diamonds. He was awed at how this simple thing mesmerized him, filled him with childlike glee. His hands automatically began playing with the sand and before long he began doodling. Wasn't the summer of '79 the last time they had been on a trip? He couldn't remember where they had gone but he remembered kissing Remus under an orange summer sky with James, Lily and Peter catcalling and whistling behind him.

  
" _Do you wanna stop?"Sirius asked as he broke away from Remus._

  
" _No." Remus replied._

  
_"Great. Neither do I."_

_And their desire for each other had outdone their embarrassment._

_  
_ Sirius found his face stretched awkwardly and had to trace the muscles with his fingers to realize he was smiling. That made him smile some more which turned into hysteric, maniacal laughter. But as hot tears rolled down his cheeks, he was forced to curl up into himself and lie down as the painful sobs racked his body. _Kissing Remus._ That had been a different life. It couldn't be this one, could it? Would Remus kiss him now, like this? As a torrent of emotions suddenly over took him, he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to control his breathing. As the sound of the continuous lapping of the waves against the shore enveloped him in a haze, he calmed down enough to think why he was out of Azkaban and how he got there.

  
_He escaped Azkaban. He saw the rat on the paper and the date. It had been tw..twelve years._  
_Twelve years since James and Lily died._  
_Twelve years since Hagrid took Harry away from his arms._  
_Twelve years since he had seen Remus._  
_Twelve years since he was imprisoned._

 _  
_ Anger flared at the pit of Sirius's stomach. Out here, away from the fear of Azkaban, he could feel emotions with unprecedented clarity.  
_That Rat. Peter Pettigrew._  
He took everything from him.  
But anger gave away to cold horror as he realized why he had truly escaped. He had seen that the rat was a pet to the Weasleys'. They obviously all went to Hogwarts. But Harry..Harry was supposed to be at Hogwarts too. He would be twelve..thirteen years old. He had to protect his godson. That's why he'd escaped.

  
Sirius paced up and down to the sea and back to the cliff seething with anger till his worn body caught up with him and he sunk on the sand once again.

  
He needed to eat. He needed to get stronger. 

  
He saw crabs scuttling around, going in and out of their sand homes.He changed into Padfoot, caught a few big ones and crunched them with his teeth before eating them. It felt refreshing. His urge to hunt and kill the rat needed a manifestation and the crabs crunching in his mouth tasted delicious.

  
With a somewhat full stomach, he undressed out of his tattered robes and walked towards the sea. The sun was setting and he took time cleaning out twelve years of grim and dirt out of his hair and body as he dove in the crimson sea. His swim from Azkaban to shore had taken care of a lot of it but he had been focused on surviving. Now he could actually clean himself.

  
Through it all, his thoughts went back to Remus and Harry. The only two people he lived for. He tried thinking what he should do. Should he go to Remus? But where would he find him. Remus could be anywhere. He might not even be in the country. Harry, on the other hand..he knew where to find him.

  
But Harry would never recognize him. He can't just walk into his life. Harry would turn him away like a stray dog. And it wouldn't take the Ministry too long to realize that he escaped. They will be searching for him. Any unnatural behaviour and the Ministry might be tipped off about his were abouts.

  
Sirius racked his brain trying to come up with something that seemed a little insane.  
What if Remus didn't believe him?  
Sirius felt terrified, the moment the thought hit him. It was as if someone had poured ice water down his throat.  
And what if Remus was with...someone else?  
Sirius clutched at his chest, as the pain of his thoughts hit him hard.

  
Azkaban, it seemed, wouldn't leave him even if he had put a enormous sea between him and it. He didn't need the Dementors to make him miserable. He was absolutely capable of doing it on his own.

  
It took him a while, but as he felt himself breathe again against the tightness in his chest, his mind made itself up.  
He would go and check in on Harry. He would make no personal contact, just watch from a distance as to what his godson had grown up to be. Harry still had time before he had to go back to school. The rat won't be able to hurt him at his muggle dwelling. He would decide from then on what path he would take. But for now, he would journey to see Harry.

As night rolled in, Sirius saw the entire starry sky for the first time in twelve years. His heart soared high above him as he traced every constellation he could identify. He couldn't remember if he had ever seen so many stars together even in his astronomy classes at Hogwarts. Suddenly life felt like something he could look forward to. Seeing Harry, seeing Remus again, were a reality that he could look forward to, _hope for._

All he needed to do was survive.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Remus's POV**

When Remus woke up that morning, he would've never, in a million years, imagined he would live to see this day.  
It was almost midday when a knock on his door distracted him from his work. He was beyond surprized to see the headmaster of his school at his door steps.

  
" Will you not invite me in Mr. Lupin?" Dumbledore asked mildly.

  
Remus hadn't realized he'd been staring at him for quite sometime now. " Ah..yes. Sorry. Please come in Professor." Remus held open the door to let the headmaster into him humble abode.

  
" I see you've been working." Dumbledore said thoughtfully, looking at the parchments scattered all over his table.

  
" Yes. An institute in Switzerland hired me to do some accounting tasks for them. It's not much but it..."

  
"...pays the bills." Dumbledore finished for him.

  
Despite the respect that Remus had for the old headmaster, he couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice when he said yes.

  
" How do you send them the documents?"

  
" I owl them to the nearest office they have in London. They take it from there." Remus said. He couldn't possibly imagine why the headmaster had turned up on his door steps asking him questions about his job.

  
As he handed Dumbledore a cup of tea, he asked the question burning at his throat. " Professor, why....?"

  
Dumbledore took out a paper from his robe that looked like The Daily Prophet and spread it on the table in front of them.  
Remus nearly threw up his breakfast when he saw the headlines.

  
The picture of a man he had once loved, laughed maniacally back at him, as if taunting him for being naïve enough to ever fall in love with him. The picture was accompanied by the headline

                                                                                                                   **Escape from Azkaban.**

  
Remus saw Dumbledore's lips moving, telling him something. It must be important. But he couldn't hear anything above the ringing in his ears. He barely felt Dumbledore guide him by the shoulder to the nearest couch. The picture had broken down a dam of memories that Remus had very carefully sealed behind closed gates of his mind. Now the on slaughter of emotions clouded his mind and he could barely see through the memories.

  
When he came to his sense, he felt Dumbledore's palm on his fore head, mumbling some incantation. His first instinct was to push away the old man. How dare he take a glimpse in his mind? There were untold misery and pain hidden in the crevices of his mind.

  
He grabbed, the headmaster's hand as gently as possible to push him away from himself but Dumbledore's grave voice stopped him.

" I'm not violating you Remus. This has naturally brought out...memories. This incantation is only to calm you down. I can assure you, I won't do anything that will make you feel uncomfortable."

  
Remus felt Dumbledore's blue eyes piercing his soul but the man sounded earnest. Remus knew when his brain was being poked around and when he didn't feel Dumbledore inside his head. He let go of the headmaster's hand and let him finish his incantation.

  
When Dumbledore spoke next, Remus found himself absolutely attentive even if not wholly relaxed.

  
" Remus, I'm here to offer you a job as the DADA teacher for this year. You've been exceptionally brilliant at it since I met you. Now with Mr. Black on the loose, we do not know his motives....."

  
" Where was he last seen?" Remus couldn't help but ask.

  
" That's the problem. He hasn't been sighted anywhere yet."

  
Remus nodded stiffly as Dumbledore continued.

" The guards at the ministry heard him whisper,'he is at Hogwarts.' Now my best is that he was talking about Harry..."

  
Remus's stomach churned at the thought of Sirius going after Harry. For him Harry was still a small bundle of black hair and green eyes.

  
"....so my guess is, he's laying low somewhere till term begins to..."

  
" ..to get to Harry." Remus finished. " But why? Hogwarts is impenetrable. If he wants to attack he won't wait till term begins."

  
" I have a protective detail on Harry. He'll not be harmed while he's with the Dursleys'." Dumbledore sounded confident.

  
Remus almost told the headmaster about Sirius being an animagus. Slipping into Hogwarts or the Dursleys' would be child's play for him. Harry wasn't safe. But a protective detail might be useful for a while. If Sirius had waited so long, he wouldn't just jump into killing his godson without planning. But then again, he didn't know Sirius. The Sirius he had known couldn't have betrayed his friends let alone go after his own godson. Remus tried to think clearly against the rising panic in his chest. Should he tell Dumbledore?

  
" Remus, is there something you would like to share?" Dumbledore asked, his blue eyes shining.

  
Against all his better judgement, Remus nodded his head. " No professor." No matter what, he could never give away _this_ secret. It would change the entire dynamism of their search for Sirius. But Padfoot had been born of Sirius's desire to help him and Remus knew that. Countless night Padfoot had been there for him, helped him. That mattered. He couldn't just give away _this_ secret.

  
" So, will you take the job?" Dumbledore finally asked him.

  
" Professor, I still don't see how I can be of help if I take this job?" Remus didn't hesitate to ask. There was no doubt that he needed the money, but Dumbledore hadn't offered him the job to help him. That he could've done years ago. There must be a different motive.

  
" Sirius Black in on the loose and might be after Harry. You can protect him."

  
" You can do so too. I wanted..begged to take him all those years ago. You took him away from my arms and told me you would protect him so..."

  
" Remus your grief blinded you. How could you have brought up a child with your condition and no help?" Dumbledore asked impatiently.

  
Remus knew that the head master was right. It was an impossible task. But that didn't make him any less angry or hurt.

  
"Do you not want to see James's and Lily's son?"

  
" Of course I do." Remus snapped back.

  
" Good. You also are the only person who can explain the situation to him should the need arise. No one knows Sirius better than you." Dumbledore said as he took a deep sip of tea that Remus had prepared for him.

  
_Knew_. Remus thought _. I knew him._

 _  
_ Remus knew Dumbledore had won. There was no use in delaying. He would take the job. They both knew it. He was about to say yes when another thought hit him. He would be alone in the Shrieking Shack _. Again_. It would be like first year all over _again_ , the loneliness and isolation.

  
" The transformation...full moon..." He stuttered.

  
" Professor Severus Snape will provide you with the wolfsbane portion every month." The head master put down his cup and got up to make his way to the door. " Let me know what your decision is Remus."

  
" I'll do it." Remus blurted out even before his mind caught up with him.

_Severus was the Portions Master._

_Of course he would take the job._

_He would do anything to see Harry_.

  
" Thank you." Dumbledore said. He sounded...relieved! " I'll contact you with an official contract."

"Sir." Remus shouted before Dumbledore could apparate. " Where is Harry?"

Dumbledore sighed and Remus was sure he would tell the address.

" Little Whinging. 4 Privet Drive. Surrry" The headmaster said. " But I request you to not go and visit. It's for the best."

"Thank you" Remus said as Dumbledore turned in his spot and disappeared with a _pop_ as Remus was left, sitting on his tattered couch, staring at Sirius's picture.

  
He pulled at his hair and sighed, thinking about what he could do now. He had to go in and check on Harry. For all his knew, Padfoot could already be there.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Sirius's POV.**

Sirius had been walking as Padfoot for almost two days straight when he sighted the first dwelling by the sea. It look humble and Sirius trotted towards it with caution. It was almost dusk and all that illuminated the house was a simple lamp. That was all Sirius could make out. There was no trace of magic in the air. Sirius looked around the thatched hut but there were no newspapers from which he could get the date, no food he could scavenge. He had to take a chance. He had just escaped and it was unlikely that the news papers were delivered here, out in the middle of nowhere. So there was no way that who so ever owned the house would recognize him as an escaped prisoner just yet. He had no choice. He needed to know where he was to be able to go where he needed to be. Apprehensively, he changed and knocked on the wooded door.   
When no one answered, he knocked again and again. Finally an elderly man peaked out from behind the rickety door.

  
" Dear Lord!" He almost screamed. He had black and white hair which fell all over his face.

  
" What happened?" Another elderly male voice enquired from inside.

  
" A rather severe looking man is at our door." The elderly man said but didn't move his gaze from Sirius.

  
" Sir, I need a little help." Sirius said hoarsely. He hadn't spoken in so long that he barely recognized his own voice.

  
" Yes?"

  
" I need to know today's date and in which direction London is." The words sounded lunatic even to his own ears. Why would a stranger answer these questions?

  
" Come on in son." The man held open the door and it caught Sirius off guard. Maybe he knew who he was. Maybe he'd lost track of time and more days had past than what he had counted. The news of his escape had become public knowledge. He would be dead soon. This was a huge mistake.

  
" Come on." The old man said again.

  
" I would rather not." Sirius said in a haste.

  
" You look like you need food and rest. There's going to be a storm tonight. Rest here. You can go your way tomorrow morning. London isn't far."

  
Sirius looked around him. The weather was very calm. There was no indication of a storm. But the man had said the London wasn't far. That made bubbles of hope froth up in his chest.

  
He stepped in and the inside was surprisingly warm and comfortable. There was an aura about the place that made him feel secure. Sirius couldn't imagine how it was so warm considering that there were no fireplaces or even magic. There wasn't a trace of magic around him but everything seemed uncharacteristically magical.   
The old man sitting at the table had an old rusty diary in his hand. He was scribbling on it. He had amber hair which had almost turned white. As Sirius sat down across him from the table, the elderly man smiled at him gently. Sirius noticed that he had a cut running over his face from the left temple to the right lip. He felt familiar but Sirius couldn't put his finger on the feeling. Then he spotted a calendar behind the man and looked at the date. All the dates upto 26th were crossed off. So it was the 26th of July. He hadn't lost track of days.

As the two men talked, Sirius was drawn into the conversation. They didn't mention their names and Sirius didn't ask either. To ask would mean, he would have to say his. He could always make up a name but what?   
John. He thought after a while. Perfect. Weren't like half the characters in the movies he had seen named John?

  
" You look lost." The black haired man asked.

  
" Yes..I am. I need to go to London." Sirius said.

  
" West. If you walk, it'll take you two, maybe three days at the most." The amber haired man said.

  
Sirius repeated it in his head over and over.   
North. Two days.

  
Dinner was prepared before Sirius realized. The soup and bread tasted heavenly. Sirius ate hungrily and the two men didn't judge him for how or how much he ate.

  
" I'm sorry." Sirius apologized as he put down his bowl. " I haven't eaten properly in a while."

  
" It's alright son. We know the feeling." The man with black hair said. His palm was lying open on the table and the man with amber hair took it in his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

  
" Yes we do." He said.

  
As the night progressed, Sirius found it easy to talk. He made up a story to tell them how he had gotten lost. He was on a solo trip, just taking a few days off when his boat malfunctioned. Then a storm hit him. Maybe he had passed out. When he woke up he had been washed ashore.

  
" Must have been terrible." The man with amber hair said. He looked genuinely sad and concerned.

  
Sirius was surprized, they even believed him. He was making things up. He didn't even know if there had been a storm recently.   
Soon the windows and the doors started rattling from the wind out side and then a full blown storm hit them.  
So the man had been right. Sirius thought.  
He kept quite as he listened to the two men talk about the sea and trips they had taken. It didn't take Sirius long to realize that the two of them were in love. They had escaped out here, together, away from the entire world.

  
Sirius looked at the man with the amber hair. He had a strange sensation whenever he looked at him. The face looked familiar and unknown all at the same time. But as he watched, the strange golden aura caught the man's eyes as he smiled and tucked his somewhat long hair behind his ears.   
Sirius gasped. _Remus._   
Remus used to smile like that and tuck his hair behind his ears. Sirius looked at the other man. Black hair, grey eyes. Could that he him thirty years from now?

  
Sirius should've been panicked. This might be some sort of sorcery. A trick of his mind to torture himself. He expected the illusion to crumble around him but nothing happened. The ground seemed solid, their laughter rang loud and clear. There was no way this was an illusion.   
Sirius couldn't fight the emotions rolling inside him. By some miracle he was witnessing a future version of Remus and himself, in love and alive, almost thirty years ahead in time. Sirius looked back and fourth between them but the settled for looking at Remus alone. He looked perfect even at... _sixty_ , maybe. Without him noticing a few tears had escaped his eyes.

  
" Oh! My poor boy." Remus gently held his hand. " It's been a long and lonely road."

  
Sirius could feel the solid heat of the man's touch on his skin. " Yes. Yes it has." He said looking at his future self. " But I survived."

  
" Of course you did son." He said back.

  
Sirius knew this was it. This, right in front of him, is what he had been fighting for all his life. _Peace, love, Remus_. If there was a one in a billion possibilities that he would get to see this future with Remus, he would take anything for it. He would go to hell and back for a chance at this future.   
When he went to sleep that night, with nothing but a thin blanket that the men had graciously provided him, he was sure that he would wake up alone on the sandy beach. The house, the men, everything would be gone, lost to sand and time.   
But he was wrong. When the woke up to the sound of sea gulls the next morning, the house was intact and so were it occupants. He had received immense love and care. He couldn't effort to be a burden any longer. He scribbled a quick thank you on the diary that Remus had been using the night before, carefully crossed the threshold of the house and pulled it shut behind him.

  
He walked for a while on the beach taking in the morning warmth of the sun and fresh crispy air before he changed into Padfoot and ran wests.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Certain phrases have been taken from The Prisoner of Azkaban.

**Sirius's POV.**

Sirius walked again for three days without knowing where he was headed and was almost convinced that the hut, the men, everything had ben a hallucination. His mind had betrayed him. On the third evening he realized that he had been in Kent all along and began searching for directions to Surry. He had been to Kent before but everything had changed. He couldn't recognize most streets. Everything looked same. He searched dustbins for maps but in return found a muggle news paper and almost fainted. Even the muggles had been notified of his escape. His maniacal frozen picture was accompanied by words like _mass murderer, dangerous, report to the police immediately_. They was even a reward for his head. The paper was dated the day before. So everyone now knew. He wondered what Remus would make of the news.  
When nothing but Remus's sad, disappointed face, twenty-one year old face materialized in his mind, he dusted the thought off. And _they weren't twenty-one_.  
Now that his face was on every paper, he took extra caution. During the days, he kept a low profile, hiding behind bushes and trees. He looked around and scourged for food only after dusk. After walking around towns for another days, he finally found a road sign that showed him the direction to Surry. He yelped in joy and ran around in circles for a while before he barked and trotted down the road.  
Once Sirius reached Surrey, it didn't take him long to find Petunia Dursley's house. Lily had forced him to accompany her to extend to her sister her and James's marriage invitation out of pure courtesy. Petunia and her husband had looked at them very disdainfully. Sirius had been shocked that any house other than the Blacks could produce such different siblings. He would never forget them or the address.   
Number 4, Privet Drive.   
Sirius hid behind a hedge from which he had a clear view of the house and waited. His ears picked up different voices.  
_Harry...Weasley...friends..._  
And for a moment he thought that maybe Harry had good people around him. But the booming voice asking him why he had given their... _phone number_...was it? _'To people like you.'_ What did that even mean?  
But Sirius understood that Harry wasn't treated with the love and care that he deserved. His anger flared. He barred his teeth and growled. For a moment he thought about running to the house as Padfoot and breaking their windows. But he had to calm himself down. That satisfactions wasn't worth the trouble it might land him into.   
There was a good possibility Harry didn't even know he had a god-father. It broke his heart but he diverted all his attention on picking up which voice belonged to Harry. He'd already separated Petunia and Vernon...was it?  
There were two other voices in the house. One of them had to be Harry's.   
Sirius didn't look away from the house that day. What if Harry came to the window or outside on the lawn? He couldn't afford to miss that. But Harry never showed up.   
Sirius was sure he would recognized him when he saw him. There was no way he would miss that black, unkempt hair and _oh! the eyes..Lily's eyes._  
As night rolled in, Sirius was still staring at the house. The lights of the rooms went out one by one until only one was faintly lit. Sirius wondered if that was Harry's room. He continued looking at the window, hoping, praying for just a glimpse....  
And then the light went out. Padfoot huffed in disappointment. But then he heard the nightly stillness being broken by owls...three owls that were headed towards them. He followed the sound and finally caught sight of them just above his head as they made way to the opposite house carrying three large parcel.  
Sirius followed them to the window where the lights had just gone out and it took his breath away.   
There standing at the window was an exact copy of James, with the same black hair and round spectacles. Sirius's heart plummeted to his chest as he saw his god son for the first time in twelve years.   
In a second he disappeared again as the owls carried in the parcels and with a jolt Sirius remembered.

It might be the 31st of July. Harry's birthday. Harry had just turned thirteen.

  
Suddenly the street in between them felt like a huge chasm. He was so close to Harry, yet on his godson's birthday he was incapable of showing how much he loved Harry. Even as a dog he could feel intense pain steadily rising upto his heart. This was so unfair.   
He waited again to see if Harry would come to the window again but sheer exhaustion took over and he fell asleep in a dreamless sleep.  
The next day he restlessly padded around, oscillating between opposite pavements, waiting for a chance to see Harry again. A blue and white ball suddenly rolled over to his feet and he looked up to see a small girl standing a little away from him, looking frightened. She looked back and forth between the ball and Padfoot. Padfoot nuzzled the ball and pushed it towards the girl. She smiled gleefully, picked up her ball and ran away, her pink frock and blond hair waving behind her.   
Before Sirius could enjoy the simple act of human interaction, the ghost of familiar scent made him stop dead in his track.   
_Remus._  
Sirius frantically looked around searching for him. It had to be Remus. Even in death he would recognize Remus's scent. But he didn't have to search long. From behind Number 4's hedges he saw the lean figure of a man standing on the opposite pavement looking at the house. Remus was dressed in trousers and a long overcoat. An light brown overcoat the Sirius remembered gifting Remus for his first job interview out of Hogwarts. He had carefully chosen it back then so that it would melt over Remus's skin. He had kept it all these years! It looked worn out but was as clean as it could get. Sirius couldn't tear his eyes away from Remus. His soft brown hair fell over his eyes and he tucked them behind his ears looking around the street. Was it possible that Remus had been in contact with Harry all these years? Had the muggles allowed it? He was here on Harry's birthday. So they must know each other. Sirius's heart swelled in joy as he thought that Harry had grown up knowing someone who was intimate to the details of his parents lives.   
Sirius had been so fixated on staring at Remus and lost in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed the ball that had rolled up at his paws again. The little girl hurried up to him this time, giggling, and took the ball away.  
But that was enough to draw Remus's attention to him. As they locked eyes, Sirius had expected anything but the cold, terrified look that Remus threw his way. Sirius stood still, rooted to his spot as Remus seemed to reached inside his coat and retrieve his wand. With a stab in his chest Sirius realized what was going on. Remus believed him to be the traitor. He had come only to make sure that Harry was safe after the news of his escape had become public.   
Sirius was at a loss. What would he do? There was no way he could transform and explain things here. It was too dangerous. What if someone else had accompanied Remus? What if Remus alerted someone of his presence? Running would only make things worse.   
So he surrendered. In an act of absolute submission, he laid down and closed his eyes. He wouldn't put up a fight. If Remus decided to kill him then Sirius would let him. His only regret would be never knowing Harry.   
An eternity might have passed when he looked up again to see that Remus wasn't anywhere to be seen. Only his essence lingered. Would Remus really inform the Ministry? Were the coming for him?   
The thought of the Dementors with their putrid smell and cold, rotting fingers chilled Sirius to the bone. He wouldn't survive the next time.   
But Sirius couldn't leave Harry on his birthday. Padfoot would know if the Dementors came for him. He would flee for his life then. But he wouldn't leave until he had to leave.   
Later he saw a very nasty looking woman enter the house with Vernon Dursley and as Sirius listened attentively his anger only flared up with every word. The Dursleys' were really nasty. They made Harry say all sorts of lies and when Sirius heard the things they said about James and Lily, he had to use all his strength to not barge inside their house and kill them himself.

But the commotion that ensued soon after threw him off track. Even before he understood what was going go, Harry hurried out of the front door with his luggage in tow and didn't stop till he had left quite a few blocks behind.   
Sirius had a strange sense of _Deja vu_. At that moment he saw his sixteen year old self leaving his old life behind and heading for James's house. But Harry slumped down by the side of the road, looking around him, panicked.   
Sirius could smell the fear in his godson. Surely he had someone he could turn to.  
But Harry just kept sitting, looking around him warily.  
All of Sirius's instincts, begged him to comfort Harry. To assure him that it would be okay.   
Remus could take him in. He had been there that morning. Maybe he had stuck around to watch over him. He could help Harry.   
No sooner had this thought hit him, than he caught the whiff of Remus again. Sirius spotted him standing in the shadows behind Harry, wand at the ready, looking at him with iron resolve.  
He got distracted for a second and that was all it took for Harry to spot him. He looked around, alarmed and muttered _lumos._ Sirius only hoped he had retreated fast enough for Harry to miss him.  
Remus was read to attack and Sirius ready to flee when they were deafened with a _BANG_. The Knight Bus had halted in front of Harry, throwing him back on the ground.  
Harry was gone before Sirius could blink.  
That left him and Remus on a deserted alley, facing each other. Remus's wand was still pointed at him ready to attack should the need arose. Sirius could smell the wolf in Remus and it wasn't afraid to draw blood. That scared Sirius.   
One Cruciatis and he would surely loose his mind. He was rooted to his sanity through a single nerve. _Remus_. If that were to severe, there would be nothing left. He would become the man that news papers reported him to be.  
Remus lowered his wand and looked at him confused.

  
" Do you want to kill him?" All Remus needed to do was whisper. 

Padfoot nodded his head _. No!_

He saw Remus crash on the opposite pavement on his knees and almost ran to him _. Almost_.   
He could sense Remus anguish equal his own. He had caused it and even though he had planned to tell Remus everything the moment he laid eyes on him, he found he couldn't even move let alone talk.   
They stared at each other till it started raining and Remus got up. He started walking away.

  
_No! Don't leave._ Sirius wanted to shout. He barked behind him quite a few times. But Remus wouldn't stop.

Remus turned back a few times to look at him but made no attempt to get rid of him. So Sirius followed him on tired legs till Remus stopped at a building that said 'Moonlight Inn.'  
_How fucking ironic!._ Sirius couldn't suppress a huff. __  
Remus walked around it, unlocked a door, turned on the lights and held the door open.  
Sirius looked back and forth between the door and Remus.

  
" Go on." Remus said looking at him.

  
The room looked heavenly. It had a bed and a table and chairs and it was warm. But Sirius couldn't bring himself to go in. Remus was offering him a shelter based on what...? He hadn't said a word in his defence. He needed Remus to know everything that had gone down the last week they had been together. He had thought Remus to be the traitor. He had to tell Remus that first. If , after that, Remus still wanted to be in the same room as him, he would share a room. Hell he would share his entire life! It's what he had always wanted.  
But not now. _Not yet_. He had to find a way to tell Remus everything. He retreated quietly and flinched at the pain etched on Remus's face. He promised himself that after this was all over, he would spend the rest of his life apologizing for everything.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Remus's POV.**

As Sirius backed up and ran way, Remus sighed and closed the door behind him, rubbing off a stray tear from his cheeks. Suddenly the events of the day caught up with him and he had to lean against the wall to steady himself. He slid down with his hand in his head and knees drawn closed to him. His thoughts and emotions were all over the place.   
When he had been ready to attack Sirius, the last thing he had expected to sense in Padfoot was fear and anguish. But that is all Remus he had felt radiate off him. It he was a mass murderer, capable of what he had been accused off, wouldn't he have just blasted Remus off and gone after Harry? Why did Sirius say he didn't want to kill Harry?  
Could it really be that Sirius hadn't killed James and Lily? Remus dared to think. He had spent the last twelve years convincing himself that Sirius had killed them all and now everything came crashing down upon him. If Sirius was innocent then he had spent the last twelve years in Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit. Remus shivered as thoughts of _his lover...Sirius...Padfoot.. wasting away in Azkaban, the dementors feeding off him...innocent-invaded his mind._  
Soon Remus was drowning. He had never realized he could feel this much of pain. His body racked with sobs as he gasped for breath. He felt everything and nothing at the same time.   
_Stop!_ He ordered himself. _Please stop hurting so much_.  
But no one listened. He coughed and hiccupped against the lump in his throat and salty tears that settled on his lips.   
He curled into himself begging for it to just stop but it wasn't enough. He felt sick to his stomach. He pulled himself up to the toilet and retched unsuccessfully. When was the last time he had eaten anyway?  
The ordeal tired him beyond the point of exhaustion. He could feel his mind shutting down and welcomed it. He didn't know how he managed to put himself on the bed but as soon as he felt the cold bed sheet, he lost consciousness.  
When he woke up next with the taste of Sirius in his head, he instinctively looked to the other side of the bed, expecting him to be there.   
Remus sighed.   
He couldn't remember the last time he had felt Sirius's presence this acutely. Now that he knew that Sirius was so close to him, his smell lingered in the air around him. He was constantly aware of Sirius, his magic. He could feel the heat tingling his fingertips and toes, the small at the back of his head. His presence was over whelming.   
The bed creaked under him as he sat up. Things had changed overnight. As he tried to decide the next course of action his eyes landed on a piece of paper by his door.   
He hurried over to see what it was and was baffled. There was a fish drawn on it with all the wrong colours and the crooked lines left no doubt that it was a child's art work. Evidently, the paper had been crumbled and thrown away. Remus turned to see the opposite side .In childish coloured block letters were written. ' Is Harry okay?'  
Right! Harry had left on the Knight Bus.   
Remus had no idea where he had gone but he had no doubt that Sirius had written this letter. He opened the door to see Padfoot sitting by the door.

  
" You really can come in, you know?" Remus said but Sirius made no attempt to move.   
" Fine. Have it your way?" Remus sighed. " And no. I have no idea where Harry is. But if he took the Knights Bus, he must have somewhere he can go."   
Sirius looked at him and nodded his head in disapproval, disappointment or dejection, Remus couldn't say.  
" Dumbledore has people looking after him. He will be safe."   
But from who? Remus thought. Dumbledore had assigned people to protect Harry from Sirius. Buy Sirius was here with him. So maybe Harry wasn't in danger anymore.

Even if Sirius was cruelly tricking Remus's mind to make him believe that he was innocent, it was keeping him away from Harry. That was a good thing.   
Remus was so lost in thought, that he didn't notice when Padfoot had padded upto his feet. He felt wetness on his feet and looked down to see Padfoot nuzzling him with his nose. Remus was too shocked to retreat and a sudden memory surfaced in him. Long time ago, Sirius had read in an ancient muggle book that in some cultures, people touched other peoples' feet to show devotion or seek blessing. The idea had stuck with Sirius for a while and on more than one occasion he had touched Remus's feet in love and devotion before Remus had blushed and flustered and tucked his feet under him. Is that what Sirius was doing now?

  
" Sirius you don't have to do this..." Remus's voice choked as Padfoot looked up at him. He could feel the waves of pain breaking inside Sirius.   
" You should eat something. You've been out in the rain all night." Remus babbled as he retreated as gently as possible. He appreciated Sirius's gesture but it was all too much to process at once. He grabbed his coat and locked the door behind him.   
He went to the grocery store nearby and got milk, cereals and bread. He got coffee and bought plates and a bowl from another shop. He wasn't sure whether he would be sharing meal with Padfoot or Sirius. Eventually he ended up buying a bottle of Vodka. Just in case things went south. Padfoot followed him around, keeping respectable distance between them and it drove Remus mad. All he wanted to do was bury himself in that black fur and finally find peace that he had been seeking all these years. Sirius however didn't seem to have any problems.   
He seemed to actually enjoy himself a little. As a boy was blowing soap bubbles in the street Padfoot kept chasing after them, barking gleefully.   
Once they were back at the inn, Sirius sat down outside the door again.   
" Really?" Remus sighed as he put down the bags and received just an apologetic whimper in return.   
" Come on you really need to eat. You honestly want to eat like this?" Padfoot just stared back. " Fine. But you have to talk to me at some point."  
Remus tore the bread into smaller pieces and drowned them in the milk and placed the blow in front of Padfoot from which he ate hungrily.   
As Remus drank the milk out of the container, he wondered how long he would have to live with this uncertainty. He really needed to know.  
" Sirius..." Remus whispered and looked at Padfoot. He hadn't spoken that name out loud in _...forever_.  
Sirius was evidently taken aback by that too. He stopped eating and looked up.   
"...Sirius I need to know. You have to tell me something. Anything. You are here and I don't know what to think or..or believe..and I get that you might not be able to talk right now...and changing back might be a bad idea but...but I need to know..."  
Remus dragged a hand down his face as he slid down his chair.   
Padfoot padded into the room, and stood in front of Remus.

  
" Oh! So you..you want to do it now..right now?"

  
Padfoot barked. Remus knew that bark

.  
" Right..now..two minutes ago you weren't ready to come inside and now you want to show me right now?"

  
Padfoot shrugged.

  
" Fuck you." Remus said as he got up. " Don't change right away."

  
Remus closed the windows and door, took time and care to enchant the room silent and set up every protective ward he could think off.  
" Okay. You can change." Remus finally said as late afternoon rolled into evening.   
Padfoot still looked uncomfortable. He padded into the bathroom and pushed the door close.   
Remus felt Padfoot change into Sirius by the shift in magic. The tingling in his fingers only got worse as he waited for Sirius to come out. He couldn't even hear foot steps in the bathroom.   
Finally when Sirius came out, he looked pale and clammy, a little unsteady on his legs and he grabbed the headboard of the bed for support. Remus looked at a man he could barely recognize. His hair fell till his waist and the beard and moustache covered most of his face. But his eyes... _Oh his eyes!_ grey and stormy as ever. Remus would recognize those eyes in every world. He looked thin, unhealthily thin but the long grey uniform covered most of the damage. Remus couldn't look away.

  
" Are you okay?" He asked Remus as Sirius tried to steady himself.

  
Sirius nodded. " I..I didn't recognize myself..in..in the mirror..." Sirius's voice came out all hoarse and thick as he tried to swallow his emotions.

  
" Maybe you should sit down." Remus said with little hooded concern but found he couldn't move a muscle and neither did Sirius. They just stood there standing and staring at each other.

  
Remus didn't know how long had gone by when an owl with a letter pecked on the window pane. Both their eyes snapped up at it. Remus opened the window and took the letter and the owl flew away. The envelop bore the Hogwarts seal. Inside, Dumbledore's hand writing said,

  
_Mr. Lupin,_  
 _I'm aware that despite my strict directions, you went to visit Harry. I'm also aware that he took the Knight Bus. This is only to inform you that he is safe and also to request that you not try to make further contact with Harry until the time is right or the necessity arises._

  
The letter wasn't signed and Remus didn't read further.

" Harry's safe." He said mouth feeling like sand paper.

  
" Go..good." Sirius's voice didn't sound any better.

  
" It's from Dumbledore...."

  
" Hm..hmm." Sirius bit his lips.

  
Remus kept the letter on the table and sighed.

  
" Sirius..."

  
" I have a shit load of things to say...explain..but...I..umm.." Sirius stood on the opposite side if the table and pulled back his muddy hair.

  
Remus watched him. It all looked so familiar. Every vein standing out on his pale skin looked familiar.

  
" You have to say something." Remus said, looking at Sirius's eye brows, how they moved when he thought about something too hard.

  
" I can...show you." Sirius looked away from Remus's gaze.

  
" Wh..what?" Remus stuttered.

  
"You know legillmency. I know Dumbledore taught you...properly for..for your missions..for the Order." Sirius said pausing for breath every few words. He looked way too uncomfortable.

  
Remus barely heard anything beyond the first line. "You want me to....?"

  
" Yes. Me saying..explaining...will you believe me....?"

  
Remus hesitated. " Yes."

  
" No." Sirius looked hurt but he was quick to hide it. " And I wouldn't blame you. I wouldn't believe me either. And most of the things I did was so...so wrong." Sirius's voice broke.

  
" You killed them." Remus gripped the table edge hard, trying to control his emotions.

  
" I didn't kill Peter. He's alive." Sirius sighed and pulled his hair up in a bun.

  
" But you killed James and Lily?" Remus asked, heart hammering in his chest. He was beginning to feel faint.

  
" No!" Sirius blurted out. " I..I didn't _kill_ them...just..please..." Sirius begged, "Please look."

  
" I don't want to." Remus whispered. He didn't want to see or feel the suffering that Sirius must have gone through if he wasn't guilty.

  
" Remus..." Sirius's sincere voice pulled something in Remus. " I have to spend the rest of my life...suff...paying for what I did. I'm pretty sure you'll hate me after you see but I did not kill James and Lily or Peter. And...."Sirius hesitated. " I try not to think about Azkaban but if I fail...Please don't...."

"No!" Remus blurted out even before Sirius finished. " I would never."

"I know." Sirius took unsteady breaths.

" Okay." Remus sighed. Sirius couldn't have been the traitor. He'd never allow himself to be so vulnerable if it weren't absolutely crucial.

  
" But before I just want you to know that...things back then were...hard...I was told things...and I chose to believe certain things. And I am sorry for that." Sirius walked over to Remus's side.

  
" Okay." Remus said. He already knew what Sirius was talking about. If Sirius was telling the truth and he didn't kill anyone, then the only other person they would've trusted back then was Peter. And if Peter was the secret keeper then he betrayed them. The rest, he hoped, Sirius would show him. Even though he'd liked Peter and grieved his death, he prayed to God that his lover be proven innocent and the truth be revealed even if it meant the incarceration of someone else. They'd suffered enough.

  
As Sirius took a deep breath and nodded his head to say he was ready, Remus raised his wand, " Legillmens!"

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the next couple of chapters will be flashbacks of events during the First War.

_" Sirius, James." Dumbledore's grave voice called them over the roar of the order as it disassembled. " Stay, please."_   
_Sirius and James sat down. Lily pecked James on the cheeks and left. " See you at home."_   
_As the others left Dumbledore looked at Sirius, rather empathetically. " There's some news that I have to give you, Sirius. Seeing as you two are practically brothers, I asked James to stay back. You might not want to be alone."_   
_Sirius's blood ran cold. This couldn't be good._   
_" Something's wrong. Is it Remus? Is he okay?" Sirius asked panic stricken._   
_"Remus is fine. He'll be back within the next couple of hours. This is about your parents." Dumbledore waited._   
_"Walburga and Orion. Okay. What about them?" Sirius asked unsure if he even cared._   
_" They were killed." Dumbledore hesitated. " Voldemort killed them."_   
_Sirius started at Dumbledore unsure of what he reaction ought to be. He really didn't care. Or so he told himself. But even then at the back of his head there was a bad feeling, crawling upon him._   
_" Okay. I really don't know.."_   
_" That's not all." Dumbledore said._   
_" There are dead. What more damage can they do?" Sirius shrugged._   
_" Sirius, this is only a rumour. I have no way of being certain. But your brother, Regulus, was killed too. He betrayed Voldemort and he had them all killed. But his body was never recovered." Dumbledore said._   
_Sirius felt like he had been hit by a bus. His brother was dead. That single thought bounced around the walls of his head, amplified._   
_Dumbledore got up to leave. " I'm so sorry for your loss. "He gave Sirius's shoulder a gentle squeeze and disapparated._   
_Sirius didn't know how long he had sat there when James's voice broke through his haze. " Let's take you home okay!"_   
_" Remus isn't home yet." Sirius whispered. He couldn't think about being alone right now. His pain would swallow him up whole._   
_" I know. Let's go back to my place okay. You don't have to be alone now." James seemed to have aged beyond his years. " You never have to be alone. We are here."_   
_Sirius nodded and got up to apparate but swayed on his feet, his vision turning blurry._   
_" It's okay." James caught him. " It's fine. I'll do it."_   
_The next moment they were at the front door of James's and Lily's apartment, Sirius leaning and clinging on to James for dear life. The apparition made him more dizzy than usual._   
_" Merlin! What happened?" Lily asked as James carried Sirius over to the couch. Sirius laid down immediately and curled into himself, trying to settle his blurry vision. He squeezed his eyes shut. James was saying something to Lily. But Sirius couldn't care less.Later he felt a gentle hand combing his hair out of his face and opened his eyes to see Lily sitting on the floor in front of him looking worried. His vision wasn't blurry anymore._   
_" I'm so sorry." She whispered._   
_" He's just a kid." Sirius mumbled._   
_" I know." Lily said unknotting the end of Sirius's hair._   
_" I think I should feel more pain. I don't feel anything. I didn't love my parents but I loved him. So why don't I.." Sirius trailed away. The room was dimly lit but his eyes hurt none the less._   
_" Sirius you love your brother. We all know that. You don't have to feel bad about what you feel. It'll take time to sink in." Lily's eyes brimmed over._   
_" I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." Sirius grabbed Lily's hand. Lily had lost both her parents to an accident last summer. He remembered the struggle against her pain. It had taken her months to come to term with it._   
_" No it's okay. There's nothing that could've been done." She sniffed._   
_" He betrayed Voldemort." Even in his grief, Sirius felt proud. "He might've chosen the right path after all. Just why did he have to die?"_

_"There's nothing I can say Sirius. But we all should be proud. So many of you became better than what you were taught to be." Lily gave a gentle squeeze to Sirius's hand._   
_" I guess. Regulus, Andromeda, Uncle Alphard and me. But Regulus and Uncle Alphard are both dead. So who's next?" Sirius whispered._   
_" You shouldn't think that. But you are a target. Always have been.So you should be more careful on the missions. Okay?"_   
_Sirius nodded._   
_" Speaking of missions, is Remus home yet?" Lily asked. " James went out to get food. We should call him."_   
_Sirius sighed._   
_" What?" Lily asked puzzled._   
_" Nothing I....he isn't home yet. I think. He'll meet Dumbledore before he comes back home. He got delayed on his mission or so Dumbledore said." Sirius couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice._   
_" Is something wrong?" Lily asked as the tone of Sirius's voice hit her._   
_" Everything's wrong." Sirius whispered. " I feel bad even saying this out loud because I know that his missions are so much more taxing than ours. He hates working with the werewolves and Dumbledore won't stop sending him on these missions. He comes back and is so tired all the time, he can barely keep awake. But when he does he's so distant. I can have him all day sleeping on the bed beside me if he needs that but he takes the couch if I'm already in bed. And when I go to bed with him beside me, I wake up the next day and he's gone. And I.. " Sirius choked._   
_" How did this happen?" Lily's voice was way too worried and it only cemented Sirius's idea that things were way worse between them than Sirius had allowed himself to believe._   
_" Maybe I did something. I just lost him somewhere along the way. I didn't even notice when things went so awry." Sirius let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. It was the first time he had said it out loud. Maybe he shouldn't have. His talking about it gave life to the problem and now it would follow him around like a plague._   
_The bell at the door broke their thoughts._   
_" That should be James." Lily got up and opened the door._   
_" Hey buddy." James took Lily's place on the floor._   
_"Hey." Sirius whispered._   
_" I got dinner. You should eat something." James said._   
_" Why do you keep doing this for me?" Sirius asked. Did he even deserve this? He couldn't even accept a little distance from his boyfriend. He was a crappy friend and crappy person. He didn't deserve all this love._   
_" Padfoot come on. It's okay. We do it because we love you. And it's just food. I'm not donating my kidney..." James attempted at humour but Sirius just sighed. He would've made some smart ass remark in any other situation but he was too tired now._   
_" I should've saved him." Sirius whispered._   
_" You couldn't have. You didn't know where he was. He cut off all ties with you three years ago. You tried a lot back then. He just didn't listen. It wasn't your fault." James assured him._   
_" When I left home, I should've brought him with me." Sirius said, thinking back to when he had left home back in fifth year._   
_" You asked him back then too. He refused. We were ready to have both you and your brother. He didn't come. And we were kids too. We couldn't have just kidnapped him. Your parents would've killed you." James had gone over these with Sirius countless times before when Sirius had had worried about Regulus's whereabouts. The only difference was that this time his brother was actually dead._   
_" Come on. Eat something." Lily called them from the kitchen._   
_" You can come to the table or you want me to bring it here?" James asked._   
_" No. I'll go." Sirius said and sighed but made no attempt to move. His joints felt rusted and his bones ached. He looked at James apologetically._   
_James knew that look. It was ' I need your help but don't know how to ask for it' look. James helped Sirius up on the couch._   
_" Thanks." Sirius whispered while trying to stand on his feet._   
_" You need to stop saying that. We are your friends. You are my brother. I would do anything for you." James smiled._   
_" You keep saving me. You've done this so many time before." It never ceased to amaze Sirius, just how James tolerated his shit. Remus was already giving up on him but James was still here._   
_" And you haven't?" James simply asked._

_Have I?" Sirius tried to think back to anything he'd done for James. Nothing popped up._   
_" What about the numerous times you took the blame for something I screwed up at school or how you took so many hits from the bludger trying to save me..."_   
_" They don't count." Sirius huffed._   
_" ...or when mum and dad died and you were there day in and day out to look after me."_   
_Sirius froze at that. That was a memory he'd kept locked away in the deep recesses of his mind. He had no intention of letting that out._   
_" Let'a go and eat." Sirius said and pulled himself to the kitchen, James in tow._   
_" You should really eat." Lily said breaking the silence._   
_Sirius had been playing with the smashed potatoes ever since Lily set a plate in front of him.. He took a small bit and it tatsed like sand in his mouth. He gulped it down._   
_" I should go." He sighed. " Thanks for the food but I can't eat."_   
_" Are you sure you wanna go home?" Lily asked._   
_" Yes." Sirius sighed. " I need to." All he wanted was to go home to Remus and hug him and request him to gently put him to bed. He wanted Remus's warmth against him. Against all his knowledge, he dared to hope._   
_" Is Harry sleeping?" He asked._   
_" He's upstairs sleeping." Lily said. " You can go see him.."_   
_" Yeah. I will."_   
_Sirius went to Harry's room and watched him breath peacefully. The steady rising and falling of his chest calmed Sirius. He hunched over the cot and ran a finger along his godson's fluffy cheeks. Harry smilled and rolled over in his sleep._   
_Sirius giggled. The room smelled of baby powder and lotion and Harry. Sirius loved that smell and for a while considered sleeping on the floor next to Harry._   
_" You can stay if you want." James was standing at the door looking at Sirius giggling. "He's good for you. "_   
_" He's child. He shouldn't be exposed to my negativity." Sirius's voice grew dark._   
_" He's the best thing that has happened to us all in a long time. There's no shame in letting his love heal you."_   
_Sirius kneq it was pointless arguing to James about this. He always won._   
_" I should go." He said and got up to leave._   
_" Do you want me to come?" James asked._   
_" No. I'll walk. I'll be fine." Sirius tried to smile but it came out as a grimace instead._   
_" Okay." James agreed. " Be safe."_   
_Sirius breathed in the fresh air as Lily closed the door behind him. It would rain soon. He could smell the salt and ozone in the air as thunder cracked the sky above. He bought a packet of cigarett, lit one and took the long way back home._   
_He was drenched by the time he entered his appartment but the sight of Remus sitting on the table, working  lifted his spirits._   
_" Hey. You are home." Sirius said trying to sound happy but was greated with a verg noncommittal, " I am." from Remus._   
_He rubbed at his hair with a towel for the time and walked back to the kitchen._   
_" Did you eat anything?" He asked getting himself a glass of water._   
_" Yes." Remus replied._   
_Sirius gulped down the rising pain along with the water and rummaged through leftovers in the firdge. Everything was intact.Remus never ate out so the only conclusions was that Remus hadn't eaten a thing._   
_" Do you want something to eat now?" Sirius tried again already knowing the answer._   
_" I already ate , Sirius."_   
_Sirius took a bite out of a meatball but it wouldn't go down his throat._   
_Just give him time. Sirius thought. He's just back and is working again. Something might've gone wrong. Just give him some space._   
_Sirius decided to take a shower but it turned out to be more unsettling than he had anticipated. He turned to the mirror and saw his brother's face staring at him. Everything about them, except their height and eyes were same. But the last he'd seen of Regulus was three years ago. He should've grown quite a lot by now. As the static hiss of the shower rored in his ears, he grieved for the first time since Dumbledore had delivered the news that afternoon. His brother was only eighteen, barely accoustomed to the ways of the world. He could've come to the Order, to Dumbmedore. Regulus could've been saved if he'd only reached out for help._

* * *

  
_" Reg please don't do this. This is wrong." Sirius had pleaded._   
_They were standing on the banks of Thames, far away from the confines of Grimmauld Place._   
_" I didn't come here to ask for permission, Sirius. I'm taking the dark mark and it's final. It's my choice. No one is forcing me to do it." Regulus said, calm as ever. No emotion ever betrayed the perfect facade he wore._   
_But Sirius was breaking inside. " Bullshit. Walburga and.."_   
_" Father and Mother, Sirius. They are your parents whether you like it or not." Regulus's voice was ice cold._   
_" Is this what you really want?" Sirius asked._   
_" Yes." Regulus said._   
_" Then why are you here. Just to tell me that you are become a death eater?" Sirius asked trying to sound as indifferent as he could muster._   
_" No. I'm here to tell you that you chose your side, I chose mine. We might find ourselves in the battle field on opposite sides as enemies..."_   
_" You'll never be my enemy.." Sirius interjected but Regulus continued as if he hadn't heard Sirius._   
_"..and I won't hesitated. I will attack you and your friends if I have to. And I expet nothing less from you."_   
_Sirius voice quivered as he tried saying something._   
_" Save it Sirius. No emotion from you will deter me. This is the  last we see of each other as brothers. After today, after we walk away from here, you and I cease to be brothers."_   
_Regulus's words cut through him like a knife. He had to remind himself to breath as Regulus walked away without so much as a second glance._   
_James had later found him, still sitting by the river and brought him home to Remus. Sirius had broken down completely as Remus had held him tight and taken him to bed._

* * *

_Sirius had to remind himself that three years later he was still living with Remus but now he wouldn't even look at him. Sirius's eyes itched and his nose was clogged. He realized he'd been crying for a while under cold water._   
_He cleaned himself up and put on some dry clothes before he walked back to the drawing room where Remus was still working. The clock said 1.15 a.m._   
_" Can we talk?" Sirius voice sounded strange even to him._   
_" I really need to finish this?" Remus said without looking up._   
_" Please." Sirius whispered._   
_At that Remus looked up and from the way his face changed, Sirius knew Remus saw his pain. He had to have seen the bloodshot eyes that were turing glassy, the clogged nose that he kept sniffing and the wet hair that he kept pulling at. Sirius saw that Remus was concerned about him and for a moment he hoped Remus would just drop everything and hold him and take him to bed._   
_But then Remus made up his mind and in the same indifferent tone mumbled," I really have to finish this. Why don't you go to bed and I'll come as soon as I'm finsihed."_   
_Sirius was crushed. That was the only word he could think of. It was like Remus had ripped his heart away and sqeezed it to dust right in front of his eyes. His heavy feet carried him over to their bedroom window and he climbed on the fire escape with the packet of cigarette and for a moment considered jumping off. It was a five storey fall. It might even kill him and it was tempting but he settled for lighting the cigarette and taking a deep drag. He'd hoped to feel numb but waves of pain came crashing down on him. He could barely breath against the on slaughter of emotions that crowded him. He gasped and coughed against his tears. The street lights turned into hazy orbs floating around in his tears. He pulled his knees closer to his chest and weeped. How could he be loosing everything that mattered to him all at once? Vaguly he thought he heard Remus's footsteps near the window followed by a whisper of his name. But it could've been  his imagination and he chose to ignore it. He couldn't take his heart being broken again and again by Remus. He was done. They were done. At some point he needed to start taking care of himself and protecting himself. He stayed on the fire escape for the night, smoking and hoping that his thoughts would clear up. But when the sun came up he was no nearer to a decision that would leave him with a clear conscience._   
  


 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I was out of town for a while and couldn't get the writing done. Enjoy.

 

 _"It can't be one if us." James said in utter denial as he sat down on the couch, Sirius and Lily in tow." When Dumbledore said that there was a traitot amongst us, he couldn't have meant us."_  
_When Sirius and Lily didn't  anything, James looked at them, the lines of worry on their faces mirrored his own._  
_" What? You two need to say something. I know it's not me or you, Lily." James said looking at her. " You won't sell out our son to die. It's not you, Sirius. You will die for me the first chance you get. Peter is.." James hesitated," well Peter. He is scared of spiders. He couldn't possibly be a spy to Voldemort and Remus just won't hurt us. Ever." James sighed. " It can't be us."_  
_"No it can't. There must've been some mistake. Dumbledore might have stuff wrong...it's not possible." Lily agreed._  
_Sirius's thoughts were far away, with Remus, as usual. But he couldn't fathom why Remus wasn't at the meeting today. He wasn't on any mission, he was at home. So why hadn't Dumbledore asked Remus to be at their meeting? And then to talk about a traitor in the group. Things in Sirius's mind started to click and he didn't like where the signs led._  
_" .....Sirius..you listening?" James shook him by the shoulder._  
_" Yes..Yes..I am." Sirius snapped out of his trance._  
_" So will you be the secret keeper?" James asked. " Dumbledore offered but I declined as politely as possible because I trust you with my life. You should be..."_  
_" No. Wait." Lily interjected._  
_" What?" James was puzzled. " You don't trust Sirius. He would..."_  
_" Die for us. Yes, James. I'm aware.." Lily sighed. " That's what I'm worried about."_  
_" No..Lily...I'm.." Sirius satrted but was cut off by Lily._  
_" I'm not finshed. " Lily's hair fell open and the way her eyes blazed, gave Sirius and James all the reason to keep their mouths shut and listen to her._  
_" After what happened to Regulus and Sirius's family, it's not a good idea to make him the secret keeper. His family is black-listed. Do not comment on the irony there." Lily said and Sirius's smirked. " The death eaters have been trying to recruit him for ages, and now Regulus betrayed Voldemort, the other side is waiting to burn him to the ground. I'm not going to throw him in the eye of the storm so that we can be safe, James." Lily said, pacing back and forth in the drawing room._  
_James looked worried. " I really didn't think of it that way."_  
_" Well clearly. I'm the more sensible one." Lily folded her hands across her chest. " Did you doubt that James?" She raised an eye brow in question._  
_Sirius's heart melted at Lily's words. " Lily...I..I'm grate..." But his voice caught in his throat. " Thank you." He said after a while._  
_" Sirius." Lily padded over to the couch and hugged Sirius._  
_As they broke off, Sirius tried and failed miserably at hiding his tears. Even his long hair wouldn't cover up the gratitide he felt towards the people in front of him._  
_" Thank you. Both of you. But they'll come after me anyway and only I can be sure that I'll take the secret to the grave..."_  
_" Sirius." James chided._  
_"...if the situation arises." Sirius finshed." There's no point in pretending that things are okay.They'r not. We need to act accordingly."_  
_" No..But Padfoot, Lily's right. We cannot let you..." James said urgently._  
_" Yes, you can. And you will. It's for the best James." Sirius patted James._  
_" Not for you." Lily sighed._  
_" Your best is enough for me." Sirius said solemnly._  
_" And Remus..talk to him. Ask him. He dosen't want to loose you. What are we gonna say, Merlin forbid, if things go south?" Lily tried one last, desperate attempt to sway Sirius._  
_Sirius snorted. " That should be the least of your concern. I brarely recognize him. He avoids me like a plague."_  
_" So I take you haven't spoken to him about Regulus yet?" Lily worried her bottom lip._  
_" Nope." Sirius said with as much indifference he could muster._  
_"Sirius," Lily sincerly called him. " Talk to  Remus. You need him and he needs you."_  
_" Okay." Sirius sighed. " I'll go now. We'll discuss this later. I'll come back tomorrow."_  
_" Okay. Bye." Lily said he walked out of the door._  
_" Be safe." James called out too._

  
_Once out in the street, Sirius thought about hitting a bar and getting a drink. What was waiting for him at home anyway? But at the door to the Jo's bar, he decided against it and went home. It seemed pointless without Remus. Everything seemed pointless without Remus._  
_At the apartment door, he hesitated, Remus was home, the lights were on and though he could sense Remus, something felt odd. No sooner did he open the door than he saw Remus stand up hastily at the table making the chair fall back. Sirius looked up surprized. The last thing he'd expected was to see Remus at the dining table with...was that food?_  
_" I got Chinese fro..from that place you like." Remus said avoiding Sirius' gaze._  
_Sirius was completely caught off guard but he noticed Remus looked awful. His hair was all over the place, he kept his head down and frequently rubbed his nose with a handkerchief. And was that blood on the hem of his sleeves? Sirius softly padded up to the table and dropped his keys, unsure if it was okay for him to rush up to Remus and ask him if he was hurt .Remus jumped out of his skin at the sound._

 _" Remus is...?" Sirius started but was cut off when Remus looked up at him. His eyes were blood shot and there was a trail of blood going down from the side of his forehead to his ears._  
_" Fuck what happened?" In an instant, Sirius was by his side, urging him to sit down and looking at the cut._  
_" I couldn't heal that..." Remus whispered. " Sorry."_  
_" You are bleeding..why are you sorry!" Sirius said rummaging the kitchen cabinets for a first aid kit._  
_" I don't want to worry you." Remus whispered._  
_Sirius didn't say anything and chose to focus on cleaning the cut. " Was this a spell?"_  
_Remus nodded his head. " No."_  
_" All right. It's not too deep. I can take care of it."  Sirius said and healed it._  
_" Remus, how did this happen?" Sirius asked._  
_Their faces were inches apart and Sirius could see a few small cuts scattered all over Remus's face and he wouldn't meet his eyes._  
_" Tell me Remus." Sirius urged and took Remus's hands in his._  
_Remus sniffed and looked at him. " There was a knock at the door. I thought it was you...I know you don't knock...you have a key..I missed that and there was no one at the door only a blood trail leading  downstairs. I just followed it and...a four men grabbed me and dragged me to the back alley...and.." Remus broke off._  
_" Where else are you hurt?" Sirius asked, looking all over Remus's body for signs of injury. It was then that he noticed a bruise blossoming around his left jaw line and on his left arm. Sirius gently traced the bruise on the jaw and Remus shivered._  
_" It's not broken." Remus choked._  
_" What did they want?" Sirius asked._  
_Remus hesitated as Sirius tried to take care the bruises. " They aren't magical. They just punched me and kicked me mostly." He whispered._  
_" Who, Remus? What did they want?" Sirius asked more urgently._  
_" I don't know who they were. They were dressed in muggle clothes but they knew what I am and they threw my wand aside before attacking. They aren't know death eaters or werewolves. I could have picked out their scents if they were." Remus looked at Sirius, afraid._  
_" And?" Sirius urged on._  
_" They were looking for you." Remus whispered, squeezing Sirius's hand harder._  
_" Shh..It's okay. I'm here." Sirius assured him as he felt Remus shudder._  
_" They said, you needed to be put...put down..and searched the apartment I think. While I was in the back alley, they might have come up because when I cam back some things were strewn around, broken. I took care if those." Remus sighed._  
_" You didn't have to. I'm so sorry." Sirius said both angry and scared. Why were there people after him? Could Lily have been right? Do they want to really wipe out the entire Black family? Andromeda could be in danger too. Her husband was a muggle. He had to warn her._  
_" Sirius..." Remus voice pulled him back to the present._  
_" Yes?" Sirius said looking into his boyfriend's eyes._  
_" Are you okay?" Remus asked tenderly._  
_This was the Remus Sirius thought he'd lost. He wasn't gone after all. He still cared. It was more than enough for Sirius now. He had to find out who was searching for him out but right now he had to take care of Remus._  
_" Yes." He said. " You didn't tell them where I was. I'm okay."_  
_Remus looked suspicious for a second." You sure? Why would someone be looking for you?"_  
_" Yes. I'm sure but I don't know why anybody would beat you up to find my whereabouts." Sirius said. He considered telling Remus about his brother's death but then decided not to. He didn't want to make a mess of himself  right now. " Let's clean you up." Sirius said instead." We need to tell Dumbledore about this and then we'll try and look for answers._  
_"Okay." Remus said. " I'll go take a shower and then...we'll eat." It sounded like a question rather than a statement and Sirius agreed._

  
_Once Remus was in the shower, Sirius wrote a letter to Dumbledore telling him all about the incident and asking him if he knew who might be looking for him. Then he wrote a letter to Andromeda asking her to stay safe and take extra precaution. He would visit as soon as possible and explain everything. It was too risky over a letter. It could fall into the wrong hands. When he heard the shower go off, he set out the plates and the food as Remus joined him. Sirius noticed he'd put on a full shirt. It was Remus's attempt to cover up injuries and scars but he usually tried to hide them only to outsiders never to Sirius. Sirius sighed._

 _" Sirius, I've not been myself for the past couple of weeks...more..and I'm sorry for that." Remus said halfway through dinner. He was playing with his food and didn't look up to meet Sirius's eyes._  
_" It's okay." Sirius said looking at Remus, trying to look for cracks in his façade for any signs of betrayal. " We're at war. Everyone's on edge."_  
_Remus dropped his fork on the plate and looked up. " But I've been..."_  
_" It's okay." Sirius said. He didn't want to hear a repetition of all the things that'd gone wrong. Shouldn't they try and move on? Remus was behaving like himself again so maybe everything wasn't as hopeless as he'd imagined._  
_" Okay." Remus said quietly._  
_After dinner they worked quietly in the kitchen, cleaning the dishes and putting away the garbage. For a while Sirius wanted to believe that everything was okay again. He could be at peace in the domestic bliss that he so longed for._  
_" Sirius, why would someone be looking for you?" Remus asked again, drying the dishes with a towel. There was a hint of suspicion in Remus's voice and struck close to Sirius's heart. He sighed. He was facing away from Remus and thanked his stars that Remus couldn't see whatever he was feeling because whatever showed on his face couldn't have been nice._  
_" I don't know, Remus." He whispered._  
_" Are you sure?" Remus asked again. They'd both stooped whatever they were doing and the room was absolutely silent._  
_" Of course I am." Sirius said again. He wanted to sound as unhurt as possible. He had his suspicions about Remus but he'd never accused and it hurt somewhere very deep. But there was one thing that hit him- if Remus was doubting Sirius, then maybe he wasn't the spy. That lit a fire in Sirius. Maybe he could convince Remus that he wasn't the spy either._  
_" Rem," Sirius started and faced Remus. He only ever used this name. " If I knew someone who would do this to you to get to me, I would literally hunt them down and kill them myself."_  
_Remus stared at him with his mouth slightly open and Sirius wanted to kiss him right there and put an end to all their miseries._  
_" That's what I'm afraid of." Remus finally said and sighed._  
_" What?" Sirius was caught off guard._  
_" I'm afraid that you know who did this and that you'll go after them and get hurt." Remus cleared his throat._  
_Sirius felt his knees go week with relief. Remus didn't doubt him." Rem, I would never..." Sirius started but was cut off by a sob. He wasn't sure if it was him or Remus but the next moment he saw the plate from Remus's hand fall and shatter on the floor as he grabbed the edge of the table and struggled to breath against the sobs that racked him._  
_Such strong show of emotions barely escaped Remus and Sirius found himself rooted to the floor. His mind screamed at him to move, to take Remus in his arms but his body wouldn't obey._  
_Finally when he could move, he padded over behind Remus and embraced him. With one hand he held Remus around his stomach and the other palm he placed on Remus's  chest, just above his heart. Remus's breath hand somewhat evened by then and Sirius didn't miss the hitch in his breath._  
_" I'm not going anywhere." Sirius said, resting his head on Remus's back. " I'm right here."_  
_Remus sighed. He collected himself and gently squeezed Sirius's hand. " Okay." He sniffed._  
_Sirius kept his palm over Remus's chest, feeling his heartbeat, and didn't want to let go._  
_" I'm sorry for making such a mess of myself." Remus sniffed again and tried to wriggle out of Sirius's arms._  
_" No..no.Rem look at me." Sirius let go of Remus and he turned to look at him. " I want to know your fears. We can defeat them together. None of us need to face our demons alone. Please."_  
_" You keep saying that but I know there's something going on with you. The other day you came back and wanted to talk but I blew you away...I'm so sorry for that and then you..." Remus looked away. Sirius could see he wasn't proud if himself for what had happened but somewhere deep down there was a helplessness in Remus-something Sirius hadn't sensed before._  
_Sirius wanted to tell Remus about his brother's death but when he opened his mouth it all came out wrong." I had a bad day, that's all." Sirius was surprized at the words that came out of his mouth._  
_" I'm sorry. " Remus mumble but there were questions in his eyes._  
_" I can't talk about it." Sirius said not quite looking up to Remus's eyes._  
_" Whatever happened to defeating our demons together?" Remus asked, daring him._  
_" It's not a demon. Something happened and there's nothing that can be done." Sirius sighed. " But you..your problems we can deal with. Please let me help." Sirius pleaded._  
_Remus looked reluctant and for one excruciating second Sirius thought Remus would decline him but then Remus's eyes softened._  
_" Can we just go to bed?" He asked._  
_" Yes. Yes we can." Sirius gave a watery laugh. " We can sure as hell go to bed. "_

  
_" What happened at the meeting?" Remus asked once they were comfortably settled on the bed. Sirius had his arms around Remus's shoulder and he leaned on him, almost curling into Sirius. It seemed like they hadn't been so close in forever._  
_" James and Lily are taking Harry into hiding. It's final." Sirius traced patterns on Remus's skin with his finger._  
_" Oh! " Remus said sleepily._  
_" Dumbledore offered to be the secret keeper but James insisted it be me." Sirius didn't divulge all the details of the conversation he had had with James and Lily._  
_All traces of sleep seemed to be lost as Remus pulled away to look at Sirius better. " You?" He asked barely a whisper._  
_Sirius nodded._  
_" But you won't be safe. There'll be a target..." Remus said in a panic._  
_" We're not going around telling people that I'm the secret keeper." Sirius said matter of factly._  
_" You're telling me." Remus said without missing a beat._  
_It caught Sirius off guard. " That's because you are you , Remus. Not some random person. Would you prefer I not tell you?" Sirius asked fearing the answer._

 _"That's not what I meant." Remus sighed. " Look no one needs to know that you are the secret keeper. You are the obvious choice. People will come after you whether you are the secret keeper or not."_  
_" Yes, I know that." Sirius emphasized. He held Remus's arm and he flinched when he applied too much pressure on the bruise but Sirius didn't care. He had to make Remus see reason. " And I also know that if I die knowing the secret, they'll be safe."_  
_" That's the fucking problem." Remus  freed himself from Sirius's arms. " You will die." He said sitting a little away from Sirius._  
_" We don't know that for sure." Sirius said folding his arms across his chest. "Remus, you are the last person I expected resistance from."_  
_Remus's looked like he'd fallen from the sky. " So what did you think? I would just let you go on a suicide mission?" Remus said barely a whisper._  
_" Remus I'm not going to die." Sirius repeated himself again. He knew Remus was right. People would know it was him. But he couldn't just let anyone else hold such flammable information._  
_" What about Dumbledore?" Remus asked._  
_" I have no idea why James doesn't want him to but I know why I don't want it. Dumbledore would never betray us but he's very manipulative. He'll help us and then pretend like he owns us. Just like he is..." Sirius stopped. He really hadn't wanted the conversation to go this way._  
_" Just like he's with me." Remus finished. His lips were pressed in a fine line in resignation. " Sirius..." He began but he was cut off._  
_" Remus there isn't an option." Sirius said throwing his hands up in the air._  
_" Me. I'm there." Remus simply said._  
_" And you wouldn't have a target on your back?" Sirius asked,heart hammering in his chest. He couldn't just tell Remus he'd been doubting him. It would crush Remus._  
_" Less number of people would be looking for me than you." Remus scooted closer to Sirius._  
_" You work with the wolves." Sirius said and immediately regretted it as Remus's face turned pale._  
_Sirius didn't even hear Remus voice. Only saw his lips moving in a," So?"_  
_" So they know you." Sirius said ears ringing with sounds he knew weren't in the room._  
_" You think..." Remus began._  
_" No....No I don't." Sirius didn't realize he'd reached for Remus hand till he felt the cold sweat in his palms._  
_Remus blinked, confused, his breath becoming more ragged by the second._  
_No. No. Fuck. I can't be the one to give you a panic attack.  Sirius thought._  
_" Remus, breath." Sirius rasped out. " Please breath."_  
_Remus didn't seem to register him. His arms were limp in Sirius's hands, he looked at nothing particular._  
_" Remus..Remus please...I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to...." Sirius's eyes watered as he shook Remus by the shoulder but it did no good. Remus just looked right past him barely breathing, barely holding himself up together._  
_Sirius realized he had to pull himself together if he wanted to help Remus. He willed himself to stay calm and then forced Remus to look at him._  
_" Look at me." He said as earnestly as possible. " I am here with you. This is your reality not what's in your head. I am real. Feel me." Sirius touched Remus's cheeks. They were cold and sweaty. Sirius's eyes brimmed over again. " I love you." He said closing his eyes shut and sobbing. " I love you. I love you."_  
_"I do too." Remus's whisper broke through Sirius's grief and he looked up._  
_Remus was crying too, his face flushed now. " I love you, Sirius. And James and Lily and Harry. Please never doubt that."_  
_" I don't." Sirius said cupping Remus's face." I'm so sorry."_  
_Sirius meant every word but something changed in Remus. He pulled down Sirius's hands from his cheeks and let go. Even though his touch was as gentle as it could get, it shot needles of pain at Sirius's heart._  
_" I don't know what you think." Remus started as he sat down on the edge of the bed away from Sirius. " I can be the secret keeper if James and Lily want it but if you wanna get killed it's your choice, I clearly can't change your mind but I'm not going to sit around and watch you do it."_  
_" This is James and Lily we're talking about." Sirius said in a whisper. " I would do anything to protect them."_  
_" So would I." Remus sighed. " Anything short of loosing you. I love them Sirius just like you do and I would die for them too but there's a choice here, a choice where you might not have to die. All I'm asking you to do is consider other possibilities. You owe me that much."_  
_" Why are you so convinced that I'm going to die?" Sirius asked against the lump in his throat._  
_Remus sighed again. " I can feel it." He said hanging his head in his hands. " Something horrible is going to happen."_

  
_Six months ago Sirius would have kissed away Remus's fear, held him in his arms, made love and cuddled him to sleep but now he found himself unable to even reach out and touch Remus. He desperately wanted to believe that Remus was innocent but Remus was so convinced that he was going to get himself killed that it stir up questions in Sirius's mind. Remus didn't know there might be people looking around to end the entire Black family. All Remus had was today's incident and he was convinced they Sirius was going to die. Unless there was a plan to kill him already and Remus was privy to it. But that was impossible. Remus would never hurt him let alone betray and kill him. Nothing was adding up in his mind. Remus looked scared when he had almost accused him of being the traitor. That couldn't have been fake. Or was it. Was Remus really that good an actor to fake a panic attack? Could Remus really side with Voldemort and sell out the last ten years of their lives, like they meant nothing? Could his love be fake? Could his love, forgiveness and their pain all be fake? Thoughts muddled up in his head and he vaguely heard Remus's voice._

_"I'll take the couch." Remus said and got up to leave._

_What would Sirius have not given to be able to reach out and stop Remus from leaving? The end of every conversation they had had over the past few months had felt like good-byes, pleas for forgiveness and regret for betrayal. Sirius was so caught up in his head that he could barely distinguish fact from fiction. But he knew one thing-he would do anything to save James and Lily and Harry- even if it  meant doubting his love. He could never stop loving Remus, traitor or not but couldn't have the death of his brother on his conscience._

_As he curled up on the bed, puling the covers close to him to keep the untimely cold out and prepare himself for a long sleepless night, he knew what he had to do to keep the Potters' safe._


	8. Chapter 8

" _Absolutely not." Lily shouted. Her green eyes were on fire. " You'll not hide this from Remus."_  
_" Lily you don't understand...." Sirius began but was cut off by Lily._  
_" No, Sirius. I understand perfectly well. You and James have been brothers since you...like forever  and everyone knows that...but you know what- Remus and I have been best friends since first year. I've seen him evolve, fall in love with you and everything else and I'll not hide who the secret keeper is from him. If you doubt him, why should I trust you, hun?"_  
_" Lily?" James screeched as Sirius looked at Lily like he'd been hit by a bus._  
_" Exactly, James. You'll vouch for him till you die. So will I, for Remus. What has he done anyway, Sirius, to deserve it? Just because he's a little distant to you, you jump straight to the conclusion that he's the traitor?" Lily stopped as Harry started crying in his room. " I'll be right back."_  
_" Sirius, man, I'm sorry." James whispered as Lily went to look after Harry._  
_" No..no." Sirius sighed. He'd never seen Lily so angry before. " I deserved it."_  
_" So what now?" James asked._  
_" What do you think?"_  
_" Sirius, you know I trust you right?" James looked uncomfortable talking about it._  
_Sirius nodded._  
_" So, I trust Remus too. Whatever suspicion I have is based on what you tell me. I haven't seen anything with my own eyes. I don't want to believe that he's the traitor, not after everything we've been through." James looked apologetic._  
_Sirius nodded. He understood completely. He didn't want to believe it either but he was circling the drain. Nothing made sense anymore. He had to do the simplest thing possible. Change the secret keeper._  
_" We should keep our voices down." Lily said as she came back after putting Harry to sleep again._  
_" You are the one who's shouting." James said matter of factly._  
_Lily sighed but didn't comment on it. She sat down on the handle of the sofa that James occupied and looked at Sirius who was leaning against the opposite wall._  
_" Look, Sirius. Give me something. If you want me to believe that Remus is the traitor, give me something to back it up." Lily said._  
_" I can't." Sirius whispered. " I don't have anything. It's just a feeling." Dusk was almost upon them. The lights were off and everything cast long and dark shadows on the ground. Sirius couldn't help but feel the darkness creep around them.  " I don't even know if he's the traitor. For all I know I might be making the biggest mistake of our lives. " He added softly._  
_" Remus might think the same of you."_  
_Sirius nodded but realized Lily might not be able to see him in the dark. " Yes." He croaked._  
_" How does that make you feel?"_  
_" Like I..I'm dead already." Sirius said, his voice breaking._  
_" Remus cannot be the traitor, Sirius." Lily said as gently as possible. " Forget about us, Remus would never betray you. He would die with you, for you. I've known that since third year. You need to tell him."_  
_" Lily..."_  
_" Please Sirius." Lily  requested but there was a finality in her voice. " If you don't, I will."_  
_" You won't leave the house." James said as Sirius almost screamed, " No."_  
_" Good. It's decided then. We'll ask Peter if he want's  to be the secret keeper. If he agrees, then we'll proceed else we'll ask Remus. And you will tell this to Remus?" Lily asked finally._  
_" Yes." Sirius said to the darkness. He was thankful that Lily couldn't see the blatant lie on his face. He couldn't risk telling Remus. James and Lily we're leaving the house anymore and Remus was on a mission. By the time he came back, they would already be in hiding. Remus would think Sirius to be the keeper and Lily wouldn't know if Sirius had informed Remus._  
_As the events played out in his head piece by piece, he couldn't help but feel guilt and disgust at the person he'd become. He had fallen so far from who he'd wanted to be. But he would do sell his soul to the devil to keep James and Lily and Harry safe. Lying to Remus seemed like a small price to pay._

* * *

 _Sirius was relieved  when Peter agreed to be the secret keeper. Over the next day James and Lily packed up their stuff, only the basic necessities. They were moving to James's parents' house in Godric's Hollow. James hadn't cleared out his parents' stuff after they passed away so they wouldn't have to move too many things. Only Sirius and Peter were privy to their shift in housing. They would perform the Fidelius Charm the next day._  
_That night Sirius came back home to find Remus sleep on their bed. He had to fight his basic urge to just slip in next to Remus and fall asleep. He sat on the edge of the bed, in darkness, looking at the tree branches that nodded with the cold air outside. Everything looked calm. Too calm. Remus's breathing was too. Sirius couldn't believe that a traitor could sleep so peacefully. Remus couldn't be the traitor. He imagined if he repeated it enough number of times in his head, things would change, Remus would call him to bed, kiss him good morning the next day.  The thought of how things had been left knots in his stomach. He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't live like this. He had to leave. Could he just leave- walk out like the last ten years meant nothing?_  
_But it did mean something. It had once, even if he'd forgotten  how long it had been. Maybe that's what hurt him so much. He didn't know this Remus. It was like first year all over again when Remus tried and failed miserably to hide his lycanthropy. Only this time it might be something else, this time he'd gotten better at lying and hiding.  Sirius had to bite back a sob as he hurried out of the room, closing the door behind him._  
_He had to leave. He couldn't live like this. It felt like a violation of everything they'd stood for. For a moment he considered just packing up and leaving right then, in the middle of the night. If he did that, he could avoid the direct hit of pain. He could go to James's._  
_But he stopped himself, he'd done things in a rush before, it never turned out good. And he really didn't want to disrupt James and Lily's last night as...free people._  
_He stopped and put down the bag he had picked up in a hurry and reminded himself to breathe. Maybe tomorrow he could talk to Remus in the morning and tell him that he wanted to stay away for a while. Distance gives perspective and all. He needed some space away from everyone to just breath. Maybe after James and Lily go to hiding and Peter is safe, he could finally breath and think things through. They both deserved better. Sirius sighed and flopped down on the sofa and fell asleep instantly._

 _When he woke up it was still dark but he couldn't fall asleep. He checked his watch to see he had had a solid four hour sleep. That was nice._  
_He took a shower and when he came out Remus was awake and still in bed._  
_" Hey!" Remus whispered._  
_Sirius jumped out of his skin. " You awake? Go to sleep it's still early. " Sirius said rubbing his hair dry._  
_" I can't." Remus whispered again._  
_" Yeah."_  
_" Can you just..." Remus hesitated and sighed. His breathing seemed laboured. " Will you just sit with me?" He said so quietly that Sirius might've missed it had be not been look at Remus's moving lips._  
_Sirius almost considered declining. Remus had done it plenty. But he hated the way his search for love and acceptance in every broken corner of their relationship outweighed everything. He put on a pyjama and slipped under the warm covers, near Remus._  
_Remus almost always curled into him but not today. This was a mistake was all Sirius could think of. Remus seemed so stiff._  
_" I can't move." Remus whispered._  
_" What?" Sirius didn't understand what Remus was implying. Was Remus hurt? But before he could check, Remus rasped out again._  
_" I can't move..my joints...they're aching." Remus said, struggling for breath every two words._  
_Remus was covered from chin down and Sirius couldn't see Remus in the semi darkness. He wondered if he still had the right to just invade Remus's space and throw the covers off to take a better look at his joints. With the full moon this close, Remus's body was bound to go haywire._  
_" Can I do something...get you something?" Sirius asked in whispers._  
_" No. Just stay." Remus whispered and Sirius saw a tear glistening as it rolled of the side of Remus's face._  
_" Rem...what's...?"_  
_" I'm sorry,Sirius." Remus said and sobbed. It hit Sirius right in his heart and knocked the air out of him._  
_" Sorry for what Rem?" Sirius asked, dread pooling his blood, eating his innards away._  
_But Remus just kept sobbing, coughing, hiccupping and saying he's sorry over and over again._  
_Sirius feet both love and repulsion. He was torn between believing that Remus's breakdown might be because of his betrayal or that Remus might genuinely be hurting for reasons unknown to him._  
_Another fit of coughing, snapped Sirius back to his senses. He conjured up a glass of water and helped Remus drink. He spluttered, spilling water everywhere._  
_" Shhh....It's okay." Sirius pulled Remus close to himself. " It's okay. Everything is okay. You're okay."_  
_Sirius  rocked back and forth with Remus in his arms till he fell asleep again. Once his breathing is even, Sirius gently put him back to bed and stepped out of the room._  
_He felt his hands shaking and fisted them tightly. Could Remus be sorry for betraying them, betraying him? He feet like he would vomit. It's all too much. He hunched over the kitchen sink and waited but he couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten something. He splashed cold water on his face over and over till he was sure he was in proper senses._  
_He sat down on the table with a pen and notepad and wrote down everything he could ever think of telling Remus- his anger, fear, suspicions and love. He wrote mostly of love. That had, despite the present circumstances, been their relationship-of love. Once Sirius was finished, he dressed and slipped the letter in his jacket pocket, packed a bag and left it in a corner before heading out for James's apartment. He would collect the bag and drop the letter on the table after the Fidelius Charm was completed._

  
_Remus would be fine._

* * *

 _" It's Halloween and we fucking going into hiding." James pouted over a cup of hot coffee in his hands. Lily looked tired but not scared and Harry was peaceful asleep in his cot, oblivious to the scary change taking place in his life._  
_" It's for many more Halloweens to come." Sirius said softly, almost to himself. The early morning hours were peaceful, deceptively calm, it could trick people into thinking that the world was alright._  
_Peter looked a little uncomfortable but Sirius expected that considering the huge responsibility that he was about to shoulder._  
_The four of them stayed quite, enjoying the morning hours and each others' company. They knew they had to perform the spell as soon a possible but wanted to delay the inevitable. They didn't know how long it would be before they could stay like this again._  
_" Remus isn't back yet?" Lily asked as he gently squeezed Sirius's shoulder._  
_" No." Sirius lied. He thought Lily could see right through it but even if she did, she didn't mention it._  
_" It's time guys. You should go ahead and do it." Sirius watched as James, Lily, Harry and Peter apparated away from him into Godric's hollow. Lily would perform the spell and Peter would be the secret keeper._  
_Sirius collapsed on a chair the moment his friends are gone._  
_" James and Lily are going into hiding with Harry." Sirius said aloud and felt the nausea from that morning return. He retched into the sink again, knowing it's futile. It's all in his head. Everything in his head is fucking wrong._  
_The apartment is left half furnished. Lily packed only the essentials in a hurry. He could stay here till everything was sorted out. Sirius didn't even know what ' everything' meant any more._  
_An hour later, Peter apparated back in the living room and informed Sirius that the job was done. James, Lily and Harry were safe under the charm in Godric's hollow._  
_" Thanks Peter. Go home. Get some rest. I'll check in later." Sirius sighed._  
_Peter bit his nails- a nervous habit- as he nodded his approval._  
_Sirius visited Dumbledore next and told him that the Potters' were safe. The charm had been placed and that he was their secret keeper._  
_He bought a bottle of vodka and took his time emptying half of it. He would need drunken courage for what he was about to do next._  
_When he returned home that evening, the apartment was quite still. He couldn't hear Remus's movement._  
_His blood ran cold as he couldn't find Remus anywhere. Finally when he checked the bathroom, he saw Remus sitting with his back against a wall, asleep._  
_" Remus?" Sirius grabbed him at the ankle and Remus's eyes flew open, wary, like a deer caught in the headlights. " Shh..it's only me."_  
_Remus sighed._  
_" How long have you been here?" Sirius asked taking the place next to Remus._  
_" I had to pee...and once I was here, I couldn't...move...and you were gone." Remus whispered._  
_Sirius's heart clenched painfully. He couldn't leave, not yet. " Come on let's get you to bed."_  
_Sirius helped Remus put an arm around him and held him up as he tried to walk with shaky legs that refused to co-operate with his brain._  
_Remus fell asleep, the moment he touched bed. Sirius didn't bother changing. He slipped in right next to Remus and fell asleep instantly on the edge of the bed._

* * *

 _Sirius looked on, helpless, as a house burnt under an uncontrollable fire. He could feel his heart shatter into a million pieces but couldn't quite place the importance of the house in his head. And then he saw it- trapped inside the house was James, Lily and Harry standing helplessly as the fire ravaged everything around them._  
_" No...no..James use your magic. Stop this. You can come out." Sirius screamed but he wasn't sure it reached them._  
_He tried to run but he couldn't move and the distance between him and the house just kept on increasing._  
_" Help me Padfoot." He hears James's booming voice from the sky._  
_" Pa'foo." Harry cried._  
_" You should've told Remus." Lily's voice is sad._  
_He can only make out their silhouette against the burning embers._  
_" No...James...no...I'm coming....no James......"_

  
_Sirius woke up with a jolt as he toppled out of bed.  He had to remind himself to breath._  
_Just a dream. A dream. It's all in your fucking head._  
_But something felt wrong. Very wrong._  
_When Sirius could finally breath again, he checked to see Remus sleeping peaceful. It was nine in the evening, there was still time to check in with Peter. He though about apparating but didn't trust himself enough and settled for his bike instead._  
_Don't assume the worse until you have to- he reminded himself over and over again till he reached Peter's. His heart stopped when he saw that the house was empty._  
_Peter was gone!_  
_Peter wasn't supposed to leave the house. Something was very  wrong._  
_James!_  
_Sirius drove as fast as he could but it seemed like forever before he saw the lights of Godric's hollow._  
_But the moment he laid eyes on the broken roof of his childhood home, he knew it was over. All over. He couldn't salvage this._  
_He let the bike fall on the ground as he rushed inside only to stop dead at the door._  
_James's motionless body was sprawled on the floor, glasses askew. He might as well have been sleeping on the Gryffindor common room couch._  
_" James." Sirius whispered._  
_He knew there would be no answer. James wouldn't just jump up and say this was all some stupid prank for Halloween. Wasn't he complaining about that just this morning?_  
_He set the glasses straight on his brother's face and went inside._  
_" Lily. Harry. Lily." Sirius ran straight up to Harry's nursery but this time he gasped and fell on the floor beside Lily._  
_" Lily..Oh Lily..no..no..please wake up." Sirius combed away her blazing red hair from over her face. Her skin was still warm._  
_" Wake up please." He sobbed as he took Lily in his arms. " I'm so sorry."_  
_" You did this." A familiar nasty voice bellowed from the shadows._  
_" What are you doing here,Snape?" Sirius didn't have the energy to deal with him now. He was too far broken._  
_"You did this." Even before Sirius could register what was going on, he found himself pinned against a wall, wand at his throat._  
_" Do it. You can't possibly hate me more than I hate myself." Sirius shot back._  
_" You have no ideas." Snape said dangerously low._  
_" Pa'foo....pa'foo.."Harry's soft whines distracted them both._  
_" Harry." Sirius pushed Severus off himself and picked up Harry from his cot. He was crying, wide eyes brimming with tears. There was a nasty cut on his forehead but Sirius  thanked the Gods for keeping him safe._  
_"Shh...it's all right Harry. Padfoot's right here."_  
_Sirius cradled Harry close to his chest and bit back tears as he crossed over the dead bodies of two of the best people he would ever know. Once outside he rushed to take Harry to safety but before he could leave, Hagrid's strong arms caught him. " Harry's gotta come with me."_  
_" But Hagrid..he needs to be safe. I can keep him safe." And even in his own haze, Sirius realized how wrong he was._  
_" Dumbledore's orders."_  
_Reluctantly Sirius let go. " I'm his Godfather Hagrid, please don't take him from me." Sirius's heart was shattered. He babbled but didn't know what he was saying. His eyes were cloudy, everything was swimming in his tears._  
_When Hagrid took Harry, Sirius felt like he had be snatched from his very being but deep down he knew it was right. He couldn't keep James and Lily safe. There was no saying what fate awaited Harry should he fail._  
_" Take the bike, Hagrid. It'll be fast and I don't need it anymore."_  
_As Hagrid rode off beyond the clouds with the most precious thing in the world, Sirius crashed on the pavement. He pulled his knees close to his chest and wept but his grief was short-lived._

  
_Peter. Peter did this. He would pay for it with his life._

  
_When Sirius saw people from the Ministry arrive, he ran._

  
_Kill Peter. That was the only thing in his mind. As Padfoot he could smell the rat perfectly and even before he knew, he was in a street full of muggles, facing Peter._

  
_He looked maniacal. " You did this. You killed James and Lily. You betrayed them." He screamed at the top of his lungs._  
_People turned to look at him._

  
_Sirius fumed with anger. " How dare you....?"_

  
_But before he could act, he saw Peter open up a small pocket knife and cut off his little finger._

  
_Sirius looked at him confused as Peter took out his wand and blasted off the whole street, before transforming into the rat he was and disappeared into a gutter._

  
_Sirius stood dumbfounded, the wails of injured people sat heavy on his ears, the stench of blood and burnt flesh assaulted his senses._

  
_Sirius didn't know how long he'd been standing there before he felt his hands being magically restrained on his back._

  
_".....you are under arrest for the murder of James and Lily Potter along with Peter Pettigrew and a dozen other muggles....."_

  
_Sirius didn't try and fight. This had to be some sort of cosmic joke. Peter, sweet Peter, had just committed the murder of his best friends, orchestrated the murder of a dozen muggles and had escaped from right under all of their noses. The rat had been the rat all along._

  
_Sirius laughed. His voice pierced his inner most being._

  
_Remus wasn't the traitor. What a fool they all had been._

  
_Sirius laughed as his attire was ripped off him and tossed in the fire. He was cold and naked and still he laughed._

  
_The letter in the jacket pocket would never see the light of day._

  
_He was cold and there was grey water all around and there was a huge tower in front of him._

  
_He couldn't stop laughing...._

  
" Stop." Sirius shouted at the same time as Remus lowered his wand.

  
" You were going to leave me." Remus whispers echoed in the room.


	9. Chapter 9

Remus lowered his wand at the same time as Sirius staggered back and said, " Stop."

"You were going to leave me?" Is all Remus can say. There were a zillion things going on in his head but nothing made sense other than that. _Sirius was going to leave him. Sirius would've left him._

Remus's ears were ringing and colour pops clouded his vision. He thrashed around blindly looking for support and crashed into a chair when he found one. He tried to breath _but Sirius was leaving him._ At the moment he was twenty-one and his world just came crashing around him. They had been distant lately and the war was only taking away hope, inch by inch every day but he never thought Sirius would just pack up and leave. He never thought Sirius would act on the assumption that he was the traitor.

_Sirius was leaving him. Sirius did leave him. Twelve years._

"Mooney?" Remus would hear that name in that voice even if he was dead. He felt himself being slowly pulled away from his haze.

"Please...you are shivering..I'm...um..sorry. Please talk to me...Why aren't you talking?" Sirius's voice was thick, cracking at the end of every other word.

"I..umm...don't know Sirius this..is all..so...." Remus found his voice but struggled to put thoughts into words.

"Confusing. Yes. I know." Sirius said and kneeled in front of Remus.

"I know you have a hundred questions but I need to show you more. There's more you need to know." Sirius placed a palm on Remus's right knee and Remus flinched.

"Sorry..I didn't mean to..." Sirius lost his voice as a sob shuddered through him.

Sirius was so close, Remus couldn't think. All he could feel was Sirius all around him. Their magic just entwined together. He could smell Sirius and even underneath the layers of dust, dirt and filth that smell was intoxicating. It physically hurt him to see Sirius cry but he couldn't be inside Sirius's head again. There was too much pain and loss, suffering and betrayal, not to mention the fact that he'd just seen himself as a traitor through Sirius's eyes. How was he still alive and breathing?

"No." he croaked.

"What?" Sirius asked, confused, rubbing his nose whit his sleeves.

"I'm not going inside your head again?" Remus said.

"No Remus. Please just trust me. You need to know!" Sirius begged.

"Trust you?" Remus almost laughed and Sirius stopped dead in his track. "You're asking me to trust you when you just showed me that you considered me to be a traitor and did what you did on that assumption!?"

"Remus...I..." Sirius stammered.

"Why should I?" Remus asked. "How do I know that this is not a trick of the mind?"

"Remus I would never...."

"That's not good enough." Remus said.

" Harry is in trouble." Sirius said and waited.

Remus sighed. He knew Sirius would say this. Sirius knew he would never take a risk when it came to Harry.

"And, Remus, I came to you." Sirius said quietly.

"What?" Remus asked, puzzled.

"When you ask why you should trust me..I just...I came to you. I'm here. I came to you even though there was a chance you would turn me over to the Ministry..." Sirius took a shaky breath.

"Sirius I would never..."

"I know. And I know that because I trust you. So please..."

Remus sighed. Sirius had a point. But did Sirius have somewhere else he could've gone? Remus pushed aside that thought for the moment. " Fair enough."

" So you'll see?"

" No. You'll tell me." Remus said with finality.

Sirius sighed and tucked his legs under him and sat on the floor in front of Remus.

"When I was...there...I..initially it just drove me insane. I almost lost my mind until one day it was too much and I accidently slipped into Padfoot. I was scared that they would sense the shift in magic but nothing happened. I stayed as Padfoot for days..weeks..I don't know. It's the only way I was less affected by the Dementors. I thought about escaping a lot of times but I didn't know if I had something...someone...anyone...you to come back to." Sirius said so quietly, Remus almost missed it.

"You have to understand..the things I did caused _their_ deaths and I could..can never forgive myself for that. So I didn't..don't expect you to. So I stayed. Initially I kept track of months with the full moon but I lost track...I think I was unconscious through one of them and then everything just blurred into grey and the window of my cell was so small, I couldn't even see the moon. So I just stopped. I didn't know it had been twelve fucking years until I saw the paper and I..."

" Wait what paper?" Remus asked. He tried to sound as controlled as possible but he could literally feel his heart shattering into a million pieces. He wouldn't have survived if he saw this by Legillmency.

"Oh..Right...um..Barty Crouch Jr. was there one day. I didn't know who he was back then, I just saw him with a paper and I couldn't control myself. That paper was the first real thing I had seen from the outside world in...forever and I just asked for it. He looked scared, really scared. He handed it to me and left as soon as he could." Sirius stopped and attempted to breath. Remus could see Sirius's hands were shanking as he fisted them tightly. Every cell in his body wanted to gather Sirius up in his arms. This was too painful. But he restrained himself. He needed to listen and Sirius needed to talk and above all, they had to protect Harry.

"I almost...fainted...when I saw the date." Sirius laughed. It sounded nothing like Remus remembered. It sounded hollow, _Sirius sounded hollow_.

"It had been twelve years!" Sirius said, maniacal. "Twelve years I had rotted in that place. No one came for me. I never expected to but I couldn't believe that twelve years I had survived without you and Harry. And James had been dead for twelve years but I still remember it like it happened yesterday. Everyone..the world..you..had moved on but I was stuck in time, at least my mind was and I was...at that point I really hoped that I had gone mad. I prayed for it. Wished for it..until..until I saw him in that picture." Sirius stopped, his eyes far away. He sat so still that it un-nerved Remus. He was at a loss. Should he urge Sirius on?

But he didn't have to. When Sirius spoke next, he sounded calmer that Remus had expected.

" There was a picture of the Weasleys' on the first page..."

" Wait..Weasleys'...That name...Harry. They are friends with Harry." Remus remembered hearing that name when he was at Privet Drive.

"Yes. I think so too. But back then, I just knew that one of them was in the same year as Harry and Peter is with them."

"Wait. What?" Remus almost screamed.

"Peter is a rat in the Weasley family. Their pet rat. He was scrambling around a boy..."

" How did you know it was Peter?"

"The rat was missing a toe..."

"Sirius.. "

"No. Remus. I know all right?" Sirius pulled his hair. "Get me that day's paper and you'll see for yourself. How can I..I've fanaticised about killing him for twelve years. The image of him escaping in that gutter is something I've gone over every single day since _that day_. I know it's him."

"Okay." Remus said quietly. "I believe you." Remus knew Sirius was telling the truth. He just had to be sure and the fire in Sirius's eyes told him everything he needed to know.

Sirius closed his eyes and sighed in relief, dragging his palm down his face.

"How did you escape?" Remus asked in whispers.

Sirius laughed again. It sounded a little less hollow now that Remus had believed him. "I realized I had to escape to save Harry and I just ran."

They sat in silence for a while. Sirius pulled at a thread at the hem of his sleeve, not meeting Remus's eyes and Remus stared at Sirius daring him to do just that. He knew Sirius was thinking the same thing, so he might as well get over with it.

"So..." Remus cleared his throat. " So you could've escaped any time but you did so only when you realized Harry needed you?" Remus chided himself over his glassy eyes and how his voice cracked at the end. Was he jealous of Harry? Harry was the one without a loving family, without James, Lily and Sirius. He would never get to know them. Didn't he deserve Sirius breaking out of prison for him?

But Remus couldn't stop the stabs of pain shooting through his heart. Sirius hadn't escaped for him! But he hadn't vouched for Sirius either. He'd believed Sirius to be the traitor despite his mind screaming otherwise. But back then, there was evidence and he acted upon it. Remus knew there was no point to this. It was like a cat and a mouse going around each other in endless circles. May be he didn't deserve Sirius at all. He'd let Sirius down too.

"Mooney...Mooney..." Sirius croaked again. "You're not talking again. Please say something."

"No...Sirius it's okay. I shouldn't have." Remus sighed. He was being a prat.

"Mooney. I didn't know if you would want to...want me. After what I thought of you and what I did, I didn't have the right to just come back to you. What would I tell you? How would I look you in the eye? I had to be punished and I would've still been in Azkaban had Harry not needed me..."Sirius said breathless.

"And me?" Remus asked, in disbelief. "Do you think I don't need you? Had you not escaped I would've believed the lies..."

"I did kill them, Remus." Sirius said with a sad smile." Even though I didn't spell the killing curse, I put them up in front of Voldemort's wand..."

"Stop." Remus croaks. " I should've tried harder to get to you back then, to give you a trial, to talk to you but I was so..."

"Angry." Sirius supplied quietly when Remus couldn't find the right words.

"Heart broken." Remus said, " I couldn't get my head around anything. I had to arrange their funeral..." Remus broke down in sobs. He vividly remembered every detail that he had planned and executed and he'd done it all alone. Everyone else had been dead. Frank and Alice had been tortured by Bellatrix just the day after James and Lily were killed.

"Bellatrix tortured...Frank and Alice..." Remus said when he breathed again. Sirius had already been crying silently but went pale. Remus knew that the news would be hard on Sirius. Before Sirius and he had gotten together, Sirius and Alice had a childhood crush on each other or so they had thought. Alice had been very kind to Sirius during their initial time at Hogwarts for reasons that were unknown to Remus but he knew that they had a special bond. When Sirius had realized that he liked Remus, he had told Alice first and she had accepted him with open arms even thought he didn't know why everything had felt so wrong.

"And?" Sirius whispered. Remus could see the dread in his eyes.

"They went insane, Sirius. They are at St. Mungo's." Remus cursed himself again for the bad timing.

Sirius pressed his palms to his eyes. "Is anything..anyone of our class alive?"

"Very few." Remus sighed.

"We need to tell Dumbledore." Remus said after a while. " We have to clear your name."

"No one is going to believe me. I wanted you to know and Harry too. No one else matters." Sirius said softly. There was a resignation in his voice that Remus didn't like.

"Can I ask you something?" Sirius asked after they had sat in silence for too long.

"Yes."

"What was it that you hid from me back then?" Sirius asked.

Remus felt the blood from his face drain. His palms and feet got sweaty and clammy. He'd never talked about those missions to anyone but Dumbledore. He couldn't tell Sirius now. Sirius would hate him. _No. No. No. This couldn't be happening after so long_. He'd buried the memories far too deep.

Remus didn't know he was hyperventilating till Sirius's worried eyes were hovering too close to him. " Breath." He said. " It's fine."

"Sirius I can't tell you. I can't..." Remus gasped.

"What..why not?"

"I just can't plaese..." Remus almost begged but Sirius wasn't having any of it.

"Remus, I made assumptions based on this and people died. We were both keeping secrets. I showed you mine. You have to..." Sirius said. "You have to."

"Sirius..."

"Remus, Please."

"I was raped." Remus blurted out and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to see the disgust in Sirius's beautiful eyes. He felt Sirius freeze in front of him and that was it. For so many years he'd held the secret and he believed he would take it to his grave but now Sirius knew. The person he'd loved, surrendered himself up to knew about his shame. And now Sirius didn't even want to be near him.

But Remus's fear was unfounded. Sirius wrapped his boney arms around him and pulled him close. They both fell on the ground, tangle of limbs, sharp edges of their malnourished bodies brushed and bruised each other but Sirius didn't let go. Remus fought against him but he knew it was of now use. Sirius was stronger. _He'd always been stronger_. Remus gave up and clinged to Sirius for dear life, crying all his pain out.

"I'm sorry." Remus blurted out. "I'm so sorry."

Sirius stilled. He pulled away from Remus but Remus refused to meet his eyes.

"Remus you..you..was this why you had cried that day?" Sirius asked. Remus could feel Sirius's frantic heartbeat over his own. He nodded. _Yes_.

"Fuck." Sirius cursed and held Remus tighter. "Fuck, Mooney. I'm the one who should be sorry..."

"No...I am. I am so sorry Sirius." Remus said his voice muffled, his face buried in Sirius's chest.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sirius asked. There was bitterness and regret in his voice but Remus knew it was directed at the universe not at him.

"How could I?" Remus sniffed. "I'm a werewolf and you loved me and I am filthy enough without being...raped" Remus shivered but felt Sirius's hold on him tighten.

"I love you." Sirius whispered and had his lips not been so close to Remus's, he would've missed it. "I'll love you no matter what."

"It was Greyback." Remus said. He felt Sirius shudder at the name. Now that he'd told Sirius about this, he wanted it all out in the open. "Initially it happened just once. I came back and gave Dumbledore the report and my job with that pack was over. So I'd thought it was over. But then Dumbledore asked me to go in again. He had had another informant but he was younger to us. His cover had been blown and he needed rescuing. So I went in but couldn't get to the other informant. That's when it happened again. I came back and told Dumbledore everything but he as well as I knew back then that I would go in and save him. So I did. And it was worse. Way worse. But I got the guy and we escaped at night. That was the thirtieth of October."

Remus felt wetness on his forehead and looked up to see Sirius crying again. "It's okay, Sirius." He said and wiped Sirius's cheeks.

"It's not." Sirius croaked. "It's so bloody unfair. You of all people, Remus, shouldn't suffer this You are so good and kind."

"How can you hold me after I just told you all this?" Remus felt filthy himself. It was as if all those vile touches from a decade ago crawled along his skin once again. He felt uncomfortable and claustrophobic in Sirius's arms. Suddenly he was hot and sweaty. He pushed himself up and away from Sirius and locked himself away in the bathroom.

* * *

 

Sirius's heart clenched painfully at the state of Remus. Why hadn't Remus told him this earlier? Had he known he would have held Remus close, kissed him with all the lover and tenderness he could muster and touch Remus as if he were Sirius's God. Remus deserved all this and so much more. Instead all he got from Sirius was indifference and doubt. Sirius hated himself then. This seemed to be unredeemable.

"How can you hold me after I just told you all this?" Remus asked but Sirius didn't have time to answer. Remus was up and away in an instant. From behind the closed door Sirius could hear Remus retching his guts out . His gasps for breath and sobs tore through Sirius.

The door wasn't closed and Sirius debated whether he should go in. He knocked on the door.

"Don't come in." Remus heaved.

"Remus, please." Sirius pleaded.

"Just don't, Sirius." Remus coughed and gasped.

Fuck it. Sirius wouldn't let this happen again. Remus needed help and he had been absent long enough. He pushed the door open and held Remus's hair back. "Breathe. It's okay now. You are here with me. I'm here."

Eventually he grabbed Remus from the back, holding him as he shuddered with every breath.

"I'm here." He assured Remus over and over.

When Remus calmed down, he was so tired, he could barely keep his eyes open. Sirius tried to take him to the bed but at every movement Remus groaned so painfully that Sirius thought he was hurting Remus. It could be an injury from the last full moon. So Sirius pulled Remus into his arms and leaned against the wall. It might be a long night but he would be damned if he didn't see Remus through it. He couldn't think of a better place he could be, than with Remus in his arms, asleep.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Sirius tilted back his head and pretended to be asleep when he felt Remus stir in his arms. He'd sat there for four hours straight and was sore all over but Remus was peacefully asleep in his arms. He'd looked at every inch of Remus's face,hungrily, trying to memorize every line. What if he's running out of time? What if he's caught by the Ministry tonight and taken away never to see Remus again? He needed to remember everything.

He couldn't resist opening his eyes when he felt the touch of Remus's rough fingertips on his cheeks.

"You need a shave and a haircut." Remus said softly, looking at him with all the love in the world and Sirius just melted.

"I think I need a shower and to brush my teeth first." Sirius said with a smile. "It's been a while since I took a dip in a pond." He blushed under Remus's wandering gaze. He'd seen himself in the mirror earlier and knew that he wasn't a visual treat but the way Remus's eyes and fingertips traced out his eyebrows, wrinkles and lines at the corner of his eyes, Sirius could feel love and devotion in every touch.

Twelve years and this still hadn't changed. His lips quivered.

"Hush..It's okay." Remus said looking at him, running his thumb over Sirius's unnaturally high cheekbones.

Sirius sighed and took Remus's palm in his and kissed his knuckles one by one, slowly, taking his time to remember the taste of Remus's skin. HIs breath hitches but he only snuggled closer to Sirius.

"I'll have to get us supplies." Remus said. "You'll need a toothbrush and clothes and other stuff.." Remus was already drifting off again.

Sirius laughed. "It's all right, Mooney. There'll be plenty of time to do it later."

"What's the time?" Remus whispered.

Sirius was sure Remus had fallen asleep again. He checked the watch on Remus's wrist. It said 4.45 a.m. "Ssh...sleep Mooney." He kissed Remus's forehead and drifted off instantly.

* * *

 

When they woke up later that day, Remus made them tea.

"There's nothing else. I'll go and get food and the..rest." Remus said as they sat on the table with two steaming mugs in hand.

"Remus, do you have the money to..do all this?" Sirius asked, uncomfortably. He knew Remus hated talking about money and taking help. Not that he was in a position to help anyway.

"I have some saved." Remus smiled and it was genuine. It lifted Sirius's heart. " You won't believe this but.." Remus smiled again and it was one Sirius knew. It was the smile when Remus had hard time believing something good could happen to him. "..Dumbledore asked me to be the DADA professor at Hogwarts."

"I can believe it." Sirius said. " Remus, you've always been best at it. You were..are great." Sirius reached out for Remus's hand on the table and Remus met him midway. "I'm happy for you."

"So he gave me a little money to clean self up. And I've been working..doing some research for an organization in Switzerland..so.." Remus blushed. Sirius decided he liked it on Remus but at the same time he realized that Werewolves laws hadn't changed much over the past decade. The simple act of getting a job was an huge achievement to Remus.

"So things haven't...?"

"No. They haven't changed Sirius. It's not going to get any better. Only worse." Remus sipped his tea in silence and so did Sirius.

* * *

 

"Will you be fine?" Remus asked him as he was standing at the door. "I won't be gone long."

Sirius knew that the room was guarded. He was safe. But Remus was going out to get supplies and he was staying back in the hotel room.

"Look, you can come if you want but this place is really safe right now. And I'll be back in half an hour. I promise." Remus assured him but Sirius could feel the panic rising in his chest.

"Mooney...I..."

" Do you wanna come?" Remus asked. "It's just that..you're tired and you can rest here."

"No it's fine." Sirius said after a while, trying to swallow the panic down. He could sleep. He would be fine. He'd been alone until yesterday. There was no reason he couldn't do it now.

"You can keep my wand." Remus said and handed Sirius the wand.

" You sure?" Sirius asked.

"I'm only going to the market. I'll be fine. You keep it." Remus closed the door behind him as he left.

* * *

 

When Remus came back he found Sirius sitting under the table. "Come on." He simply said and offered his hand to Sirius. Sirius accepted with a smile. He was worried but glad that he had gotten through half an hour without having a panic attack .

Remus handed him the toiletries along with a pair of jeans and tee-shirt. Sirius's eyes lit up. He took a long bath, brushed his teeth, combed his waist length hair and tied it up in a bun. The jeans and tee fitted him perfectly even though he was nowhere close to the sized he used to be and he blushed at how accurately Remus had picked up the sizes. He didn't shave. His cheeks would only look hollower without a beard and right now he liked how he looked.

He came out to see Remus laying out lunch on the table. He'd bought back soup and bread. Remus stilled when he laid his eyes on Sirius.

"Everything fits perfectly." Sirius blushed and looked at his feet, bare against the floor.

Remus smiled. "I forgot the shoes, didn't I?"

Sirius laughed too. "It's fine. We can just configure something else."

" Come on." Remus said and he took a chair at the table.

But Sirius stood where he was and took in the sight. Remus was leaning back, looking carefree, relaxed. His usual rigidity gone now. There was food, proper food at the table and Sirius would be able to taste this food. It wasn't scrapes from a dustbin or a stranger. This was food that Remus had bought for him and would eat with him. Sirius thanked the heavens for keeping him alive long enough to see this day again.

"Sirius, it's okay." Remus was beside him, pulling him into a chair. "It's okay. I know. Just sit and breath and eat."

Sirius did as he was told all the while keeping his eyes on Remus.

"You are staring." Remus smiled and tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear.

Sirius dropped his spoon with a clank. "You still do that." Sirius said suddenly breathless

"Do what?"

"That..that..you laughed and tucked your hair behind your ear." Sirius said.

" Sirius what's going on? You look like you've seen a ghost.." Remus asked, confused.

"No..no..I..After I got to shore, I came across a shack and I needed shelter..and there were these two people there. Older..they were aged..In their sixties I think. I think it was you and I...They looked familiar. You looked familiar. And you tucked your hair back just like you did now, that day in the shack.....And I sound lunatic." Sirius said as he saw the look of surprize and amusement on Remus face.

"No. It's just..."

"Freaking impossible. I know." Sirius huffed.

"But you're sure of what you saw."

"Yes. I thought it to be a hallucination too but when I woke up the next day, it was still there. Everything was still intact. I left in the morning. I didn't even say thank you or goodbye or anything."

"It's okay. I don't think we'll mind." Remus smiled.

" Wait...what?" Sirius asked. " So you believe me?"

"Well if it was really future us and this you came to us for help, of course we will help him and even if he leaves without saying goodbye, I don't think we'll mind." Remus smiled.

" They gave me the direction to Surry." Sirius looked apologetic.

"Okay. So after this is over, we'll go back and meet them." Remus said not knowing what 'this' was or when it would all be over.

"This is why I lo..." Sirius felt strange as the words toppled out of his mouth. "..love you. You know?" The butterflies in his stomach made him giggle.

"I know." Remus smiled. "I do too."

* * *

 

Sirius's blood boiled at the sight of Dumbledore. The man in front of him had been the root cause of all their problems. He had made up and army of kids and thrown them into war and they, too naïve at eighteen, had chosen to do his bidding all in the name of a greater good. Now that he was thirty-three, he realized how young they all really had been.

And Remus.

Dumbledore had sent Remus back to Greyback knowing that the beast had raped him. He knew Remus would do his bidding. Remus has had always been grateful to Dumbledore for letting him study at Hogwarts, He would never say no to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore's eyes jumped back and forth between Sirius and Remus as he sat in thought after hearing Sirius's side of the story.

"Have you seen today's Prophet?" He asked as he sat on a small chair, in the shabby hotel room.

Both Sirius and Remus nodded their head. _No._

"You were sighted in Kent. It says" Dumbledore said as he conjured up the paper and laid it in front of them. "There was a murder there on the same day as you were sighted and the Ministry thinks it's you."

"That's nonsenses." Sirius said but Dumbledore looked straight into his grey eyes and he felt his mind being prodded and poked around. "Stop." He snapped. "Get out of my head." He said, clenching his jaws and trying to block the headmaster. But Dumbledore was way too strong. "Remus you've got to believe..."

"I do." Remus said and took Sirius's hands in his.

"I believe him sir. "Remus said. "He wouldn't do this."

"No. No he didn't." Dumbledore sighed and he suddenly looked old. "But the ministry has issued an order saying that if you are sighted, you'll be given the Dementor's Kiss.."

Sirius's blood ran cold.

_Dementor's Kiss._

They'll suck out his soul. He'll lose Remus, Harry, James and Lily. Their memories will be taken away from him in that putrid breath and the last thing he'll ever know is the cold, clammy fingers of the Dementor, holding him down and those sharp teeth that will kiss him! Sirius shivered. He'll loose Remus. His body will survive and live in it's own filth for the rest of his life. He'll forget who he is, why he loves Remus, hated his parents. Everything that made him will be ripped apart. And he'll be gone.

Sirius shivered and trembled and he couldn't stop. He didn't think he had any control over his body. His blood felt like cold water in his veins.

_Dementor's Kiss._

His ears were ringing and the room was tumbling, or was it him? He was falling. He was already at the bottom of a pit. How the hell was he still falling? The fear paralysed him. He couldn't move to stop himself from falling.

_Amber eyes._

_Remus_.

Remus was talking, saying things Sirius couldn't make out over the ringing in his ears. He was falling and it would be damn painful when he hit the ground.

But he didn't.

The familiar scent of Remus engulfed him in a warm cocoon, holding him, rooting him steadily to earth.

Then it went dark.

 


	11. Chapter 11

Sirius woke up with a dull headache.

"Hey.." Remus's worried eyes materialized in front of him. "You okay?"

"I think so. What happened?" Sirius sat up, wincing in the process and massaged his temples.

"You fainted." Remus said, handing him a glass of water and sat down beside him.

Sirius groaned as he recalled Dumbledore's words. _Dementor's Kiss_. He'd fainted. Fucking wonderful!

"It's okay. Dumbledore's gone." Remus said and placed a hand on Sirius's back. Sirius flinched a little but he took a deep breath and leaned into Remus. He held him tight. It was gentle and reassuring.

"How long was I out?" Sirius asked.

"An hour." Remus said. "You need something for the headache?"

Sirius didn't ask how Remus knew about the headache. He was just glad that Remus knew. "No. It's fine."

"Sirius we need to leave." Remus said softly.

"What? Why?" Sirius asked. He was way too tired to move. He didn't want to leave the bed, Remus had tucked him into.

"You heard what Dumbledore said..."

"I didn't actually." Sirius sighed and racked his hair. "I didn't hear anything after Dementor's Kiss.""

Remus took an unsteady breath. "Okay..so..Harry's safe for now. Dumbledore's keeping him away for the Weasleys and Peter hasn't harmed him in the last two years so Dumbledore thinks he's waiting for something. He also said that he can't do anything unless you are proved to be right in a trial conducted by the Ministry. And to have that..."

"I'll have to be taken into custody. " Sirius finished. His voice was soft but he felt nothing. Not even dread. "But if they don't give me a trial...?"

"Dumbledore said he'll intervene the moment you are caught. They won't give you...." Remus drifted away. He always had trouble understanding how something as scared as kissing could be used synonymously with the sucking away of someone's soul.

"The Kiss." Sirius almost laughed. " It's fucking ironic."

"You don't have to do it." Remus said. " You don't have to give yourself up."

"We invited Dumbledore here. He knows where you live. There are people coming after me...."Sirius drifted away.

"There's one place they don't know about." Remus said with a sudden sparkle in his eyes and Sirius could've sworn they were fifteen again, going around pranking people at Hogwarts.

"Where?" Sirius almost smiled.

"Just..are you good? We can leave right now." Remus asked as got up and started packing. His small duffle bag had been charmed bigger and he put in everything strewn around the room.

"Yeah. I can." Sirius gathered all the stuff Remus had brought and dumped them in the bag. He debated whether he should take his prison rags with him.

"You okay?" Remus asked as he came back from paying the rent for the room.

Sirius was standing with his twelve years old uniform in his hand. "I just um....Can you burn them for me? I don't wanna leave them here or take it...with...us."

"You sure?" Remus asked.

"Yes." Sirius said and placed it in a neat pile on the floor.

"Incendio." Remus said and Sirius watched as his skin and bones of twelve years went up in flames. He felt strangely liberated. At least something of the horrific past was gone now.

Remus wiped the tears off Sirius's cheeks and held him gently till Sirius steadied himself again. "Okay." He said as he wiped his nose and smiled. "Let's go."

* * *

 

They apparated into a dimly lit corridor, in front of a door that had surely seen better days.

"Is this...?" Sirius looked around, surprized at how well he remembered the details of the door in front of him.

"It is." Remus said and tapped his wand against the door. Sirius kept an eye out for neighbours but the building had always been scantly populated. That hadn't changed in twelve years. Numerous spells later they stepped inside and Remus noiselessly waved his wand to illuminate the entire place.

There, right in front of them was Sirius's flying motorcycle, black and shiny like he'd rode on it yesterday. Sirius ran his fingers over the cold metal and leather seat.

"Mooney, you kept this. You kept everything." Sirius said, looking around, in awe.

"Hagrid gave it back to me after...." Remus sighed. "I just couldn't sell your stuff away. I took my things and left. The apartment was in your name. I couldn't have sold it anyway."

To Remus this flat was like a time machine. Everything that was confined to this place belonged to a different era, to different people. Every nook and cranny held whispers of the love they'd shared and lost too soon. Every splinter of wood held their magic and touch. Remus felt suffocated and liberated at the same time. His eyes fell on the small bag Sirius had packed.

 _Sirius was going to leave_. Remus wondered if he would ever get over that. He wondered what Sirius had written in the letter that the Ministry had unknowingly burnt when he was captured. He decided he could ask that later. Right now they were home. At least Sirius was.

To Sirius it was like coming home. The paper on the table still said thirty-first of October 1981 and if Sirius just closed his eyes , breathed and let his mind wander off just a little, he could be twenty-one again, in love with Remus and happy. James and Lily could still be alive and he would still be fighting with Remus. He looked at the bag he'd packed that morning and shame clawed at him. Remus too was eying the bag with distaste and caution, like it was a ticking time-bomb. In many ways, Sirius guessed, it was one. It told Remus that Sirius was going to leave, maybe for good.

"Mooney..." Sirius whispered.

"It's fine." Remus snapped. It sounded harsher than he'd intended but the knot in his stomach wouldn't untie and he didn't how to fight it. "It's okay, Sirius. It was a long time ago." He said, less harshly.

"For you." Sirius said and Remus turned to look at him. " It's been a long time for _you_ Remus. For me it was yesterday and the day before that. Nothing has changed for me since then. I've had no new memories worth holding onto, no new people who would allow me to, at least temporarily , forget that last day. That day is something I've seen in my dreams, in my hallucinations and...." Sirius stopped with a palm over his mouth. " It's just...I need to apologise." He said after a few deep breaths." I did..was about to do something wrong and I am sorry for the pain I caused you."

Remus nodded. He understood Sirius perfectly but somewhere deep he couldn't accept it still. "I should've told you... about that.. too. We both made mistakes, Sirius. Forgive me too for believing you to be the traitor for so long."

"You had evidence Remus, I only had intuition. So I'm sorry and I'll spend the rest of my life apologising for this..."

"You don't have to. No, Sirius. It's over. This ends now." Remus said and grabbed Sirius by the shoulders. "This is it. We apologize now and it's over. You with me?"

"Always." Sirius said and took Remus in a bone crushing hug.

* * *

 

Sirius slept for a day after that. "I can't get up." He said face buried in a pillow.

"Sirius you've slept for twenty hours straight. I know you're tired but you need to get up." Remus said sitting on the bed with plate of toast in his hand.

"Why?" Sirius asked.

"You need to eat and take a bath." Remus said.

Sirius looked up to meet Remus's eyes. " Why?"

"You've been through a lot. I'm only saying this because I can't see you like this. You have to get up, walk, eat, take a bath...talk to me..." Remus said the last words quietly. It seemed selfish. Remus knew it was selfish but he wanted Sirius all to himself. Fate, life, loyalty -all of them took their chances on Sirius. It was his turn. He needed Sirius. He wanted Sirius.

Sirius sighed but sat up anyway. His joints ached and clicked with movement. "And here I thought you'd be the one ageing first." He huffed.

"Eat. And then maybe you can outlive me." Remus smiled.

Sirius nibbled in silence and half hour later ,finally managed to eat the two pieces of toast.

"I don't want to." He said softly.

"Hun..what?" Remus looked at him.

"Outlive you, I mean." Sirius said.

Remus took an unsteady breath. "You need to shave."

Sirius huffed. "I don't wanna shave. You can cut my hair though."

"You would let me?" Remus asked as his eye-brows shot up." You've never let me cut your hair before."

Sirius smiled. " I know. But I'm out of options now. So..."

"So I'm the contingency plan." Remus laughed,

"So it would seem." Sirius laughed with him.

"Fine but you beard goes with it too."

"Mooney.."

"Sirius, You won't look......" _Bad,_ Remus guessed would be the word. But he couldn't bring himself to say it. Sirius would look beautiful to him no matter what. He wished he could show Sirius just how beautiful he looked through his eyes.

"How do you know what I'm worried about?"

"I just do okay?" Remus cupped Sirius's face and kissed him on the forehead. "It doesn't matter. You are beautiful."

"Hardly" Sirius laughed. "But okay. If you say so."

"Is it shallow of me?" He asked as he pulled up a chair to the bathroom and Remus got the necessary supplies.

When Remus looked at him confused, he clarified. "That I care how I look-Is it shallow?"

"Of course not." Remus said, gently pushing Sirius on the chair. "How you feel about yourself is important. Believe me."

Sirius sighed. He knew how Remus felt about his scars. The constant insecurity that someone will realized what he is, made Remus live half his life in the shadows. Sirius wondered how Remus must've retreated into himself _after_...the thought threatened to suffocate him, if allowed to fester and he pushed it back inside. The feel of Remus's hand on his hair was more that what he'd ever hoped to feel again.

"How do you want it?" Remus asked, running his fingers through Sirius's hair. He couldn't remember the last time he'd done it. Even before _that_ Halloween, they'd been so distant. Remus wanted to relearn every strand of Sirius's hair, their arrangement on his scalp, how they felt against his calloused fingers.

"Do whatever you want Mooney." Sirius said and Remus could feel the hum of contentment vibrating through him as he ran his fingers through Sirius's hair.

Sirius almost dozed off too many times but Remus gently nudged him awake. "Don't. Please." Remus pouted. "I'm trying." Sirius said every time.

"It looks different." Sirius inspected his hair after Remus put down the comb and pair of scissors. It was a shorter than he'd ever worn it.

"Of course it does. You're a different person. You're stronger. Why should your hair be the same ." Remus said. " You don't like it?" Remus asked apologetic

"No..no. "Sirius said in a hurry. "It's good. I just don't really remember exactly how I used to wear my hair."

"Oh." Remus said against the tightness in his chest.

"It's fine Remus." Sirius assured him. "I like it."

"Okay." Remus said quietly as he lathed foam over Sirius's beard.

Sirius laughed. "I'm an old man."

Remus burst out laughing too. "You are." Remus brought the blade to the base of Sirius's throat and stopped. He could kill Sirius right now and then kill himself. This laughter would be the last thing both of them remember. This foam and jokes about being and old man were so old and lost to Remus. He'd never imagined he would get that laughter back. And now if they had to prove Sirius's innocence, he would have to go back to prison first. If things went awry then Sirius would be as good as dead. He wouldn't recover from that. Not this time. Would it not be best to just end it now, while they were still happy and laughing?

Remus looked at the mirror and Sirius's eyes met him there. He didn't move, a strange resignation on his face and Remus chided himself for thinking so foolishly. What sort of a monster thinks about killing his own lover?

"You can do it, if you want to." Sirius said. His voice rang loud and clear in the bathroom.

Damn their magic for be so entwined, so entuned. "Sirius I'm..."

"I would prefer you do it than some Dementor or random Ministry official." Sirius said.

"I would never." Remus said. His throat constricted.

"They are gonna come Remus. I'll be caught and they will kill me." Sirius sighed. "You'll be charged with aiding a mass murdered, And in your situation, they'll kill you too. You should just kill me here and be done with it."

Remus dropped the blade on he ground and in the next second was crouched in front of Sirius. "No one's going to kill you. No one. You don't have to give yourself up in hopes of a trail. You wanna run?- we'll run. I'll follow you to the end of the world. And we'll go somewhere no one knows us. We'll hide. Different names, identities, everything. We'll get a house on the edge of a cliff, over looking a sea. We'll grow old together, die in each other's arms. I'm done living without you. You live, I live. You die, I die. I'm not going to face the next fifth years without you."

"It's very tempting." Sirius sniffed. " But..."

"Harry needs you." Remus finished with a sigh.

"Us, Remus." Sirius took Remus's hands in his. "He needs us. We need to save him first. I don't care about clearing my name. All I want is you and Harry."

"I should've tried harder" Remus said looking at their entwined fingers.

"For what?"

"To keep Harry with me after.."

"You couldn't have, Remus." Sirius said. " You were alone for the full moons. It scared me to death thinking about what Mooney did to you. Even in Azkaban I couldn't stop myself from thinking that you could be dead and the Dementors...."Sirius's voice broke. He took a few steadying breaths. "You needed someone to look after you. You couldn't have done it alone. It would've been a horrible mess. Had any of us been there it could've been possible but looking after a child..alone..."

"I know but Lily's sister is just so awful."Remus sniffed. He tried to push aside the grotesque images in his head of the few full moons after that October. They had been a bloody affair.

"We have a chance now. We can save Harry and he can come live with us." Sirius said.

"I know. But is it selfish of me to want you to myself for a little while?" Remus felt so ashamed of himself. He shouldn't ask Sirius to choose between him and Harry. They'd both choose Harry if faced with the same situation.

"Remus." Sirius whispered and Remus looked up to see soft, loving ,grey eyes. "I'm always your. I always have been. Always will."

Remus nodded, his throat constricting.

"I'm sorry for when I made you feel other wise."

"It's just..." Remus swallowed hard. "It's just that I know you love me...I knew that even back at school but I never believed it because it made no sense. It _makes_ no sense."

"Remus." Sirius's voice was stern and it cut Remus.

"Yes?" He whispered.

"Why do you love me?" Sirius asked in that same cold voice. "Even after everything I showed you-why do you still love me? Why aren't you with someone else? Why have you been alone for so long."

Remus scoffed. " You are a God Sirius. To me you are everything I could hope for. And as for me-who would love me? I've been wearing these full sleeved clothes since you came. You've no idea how ugly I'm underneath it."

"Just get this foam off my face." Sirius said in irritation.

When Remus finished five minutes later. Sirius pinned Remus to the wall. They both knew Remus was stronger. He'd be stronger than Sirius in any universe. But Remus didn't protest.

"I can't believe that there was no one in twelve years who loved you. It's freaking impossible." Sirius said, his voice cold and low.

Remus looked away from him. "There was one."

"So why aren't you with him?"

"I can never love anyone the way I've loved you." Remus said. His voice was devoid of emotion and it hurt Sirius just a little. Considering Remus was talking about love, he sounded quite indifferent.

"And you think that's different for me. Why?"

"Because I'm a werewolf and over the years, that beast had ripped me again and again and I've nothing left to be loved." Remus choked.

"Merlin Remus when had your physical appearance ever stopped me before?" Sirius sounded hysteric. He needed Remus to understand that to Sirius, Remus was like oxygen, air, sunlight. He would die without Remus.

Remus nodded his head. "But it's so much more worse."

"Show me." Sirius blurted out without second thought. He knew it was horribly inappropriate and the way Remus's eyes widened in fear only gave Sirius more cause to reprimand himself. But he'd said it. It was out in the open and there was no way to take it back.

"Why?" Remus asked, his voice cold.

"Because I know that no matter what I see, I'll love it. Love you. I'm sorry that I haven't given you enough reason to believe it in twenty years but I'll gladly spend the rest of my days doing that. Loving you...."

"Stop." Remus's voice cracked. " Just stop. You'll leave again and I'll die all over again." Suddenly Remus felt tired. He can't do this again. He can't bare his heart and watch it being ripped apart again. He slid down the wall, pulling Sirius down with him.

"You wanna see?" Remus asked when he'd calmed down. Sirius nodded his approval. "Fine. Let's just get over with it. If you have to leave, I'd rather it be sooner than later."

"Where would I go Remus?" Sirius asked, exasperated.

"Is that why you're here?-because you've no where else to go." Remus snapped.

"I'm here because there's no where else I would rather be." Sirius snapped back.

Sirius's heart broke at how lost and lonely Remus looked. "It's your choice Remus." Sirius said softly. "-Whether you show me who you are now or not. I never want you to do anything that'll make you feel insecure and anything less than beautiful. You deserve better than that. All I wanna tell you, is that I love you and I request you to believe that and if I'm doing anything to make you feel otherwise, tell me. Tell me and I'll rectify myself."

Sirius got up and made his way out of the bathroom when Remus called him. "Come back , Sirius." It was only a whisper but Sirius herd him. Sirius turned back to see, Remus standing, facing away from the mirror. His breath was heavy and eyes glassy as he pulled his shirt above his head.

The shirt ruffled Remus's hair and he made no attempt to put it back in place. His kept his eyes low, not meeting Sirius's gaze but Sirius's eyes were else where. Remus looked beautiful even with all the read and angry scars all over his torso. His ribs were visible under his skin and his collar bones jutted out at sharp angles but his skin was pale and...soft. Sirius remembered that. He looked at Remus's wrists where the skin had been torn into numerous times by Mooney. His veins still stood out under the scared skin, strong and bold in the face of harm. He padded closer to Remus who was still looking away and weaved his fingers with Remus's and looked at the scar running over Remus's chest from left to right. Had Mooney tried to kill himself? There were numerous scars on Remus and Sirius would love to kiss each of them and share Remus's pain if he was allowed to do so but his heart broke that his absence had caused this. How many of them could he have prevented? Or perhaps it was foolish of him to think he had any control at all.

"Remus." Sirius's voice was soft and earnest. Remus's eyes met his, uncertain and hurt. "You are beautiful."

Remus didn't say anything. He could barely feel a thing since he'd taken off his shirt. He'd expected to feel humiliated, insulted, angry or heartbroken. What he hadn't expected was to feel numb. He could sense Sirius's gaze on him. Sirius looked at him like he was a beauty to unravel, like he wanted to taste all his new scars and explore his way through all the horrific pain behind them and comfort Remus. Remus wanted it too but he wished that he was really beautiful enough to have within him something to unravel. Sirius wanted to know the stories behind his scars but the problem was-there were no stories, not even stories of pain. There was just pain. Red hot blinding pain that coursed through him when he realized moon after moon that he would once again be alone. It wouldn't change. Not next month, not next year. Not even the next decade.

"You are beautiful." Sirius said again and brought Remus's hands up to his lips.

And that's when Sirius saw them. Several scars over Remus's wrists, perfect straight lines one after the another. Those weren't made by Mooney.

 _Remus tried to kill himself_. Sirius felt like someone had stabbed him in the heart with a knife.

The lights went off in a pop.

Neither Sirius nor Remus made any effort to move. But Remus could sense that Sirius's magic was messing with the lights.

 _Remus tried to kill himself._ Sirius could feel his heart hyperventilating. _Fuck. No. No. This was not about him. This was about Remus. Remus was so lonely and hurt that he considered killing himself._ He took a few breaths to steady himself.

In the dim light he could see tear strains on Remus's face. " I told you, you would...."

But Sirius cut him off as he, only gently touched his lips to Remus's. Sirius didn't think. He couldn't thing. If he let himself thing, he would realize that there had been a good chance Mooney would be dead. Remus would be dead and he would've escaped and never found his Mooney again. No he wouldn't think. He couldn't think.

Remus stilled at the contact. He could feel Sirius's breath on his lips and Sirius's _lips_ on his lips and Sirius had a tight grip on his wrists but it was the only thing keeping him on the ground. If Sirius let him go, Remus feared, he would simply vapourize away in the thin air. It was tantalizing, intoxicating and all too familiar a sensation. It was the sensation of knowing that Sirius would love him, no matter what. It was like a need for oxygen and Remus gave in. He opened his mouth to let Sirius in and recriprocated with all the love he could hold in his frantically beating little heart.

 The lights flickered as Sirius's knees buckled and he held on to Remus's arms. "Oh God!" He panted as Remus held him up, worry creeping back on his face. "I'm fine." He assured Remus.

Remus nodded and smiled, his nostrils flaring as he bit down on his lower lip to contain his emotions. "Oh Padfoot." Remus pulled Sirius close and held him, burring his face in the hollow of Sirius's collarbone.

It was the first real hug Remus had given Sirius and he tried to memorize everything in that moment, the smell of Remus, his tears, how his skin touched Remus's and melted at the warmth, how Remus's tears felt on his skin." I'm right here." Sirius assured him as he ran his fingers through Remus curls.

When Remus calmed down and breathed normally again, Sirius pulled away. "Okay?" he asked.

Remus nodded but he was tired. Way too tired and he leaned back on Sirius.

"Woah! Easy." Sirius laughed. "I'm..I can't carry you alone. You have to help."

"Sorry..I.." Remus tried to smile through his drooping eyelids.

"Come on." Sirius pulled Remus into their bedroom and laid him down.

"Please don't leave." Remus held on to Sirius's arms tightly. " Don't go..don't leave me again. Please." He pleaded although half asleep.

Sirius's chest hurt at how desperate Remus sounded even in his half conscious stare and wondered if he was saying this to Sirius or just some other Sirius in his dreams. Because, given a choice, he would never leave again.

Sirius scooted close to Remus and fell asleep instantly.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

"Let's do it." Sirius said the next morning with a cup of coffee in his hands.

"Do what?" Remus looked up from the paper laid out in front of him.

"Let's talk to Dumbledore and come up with a plan." Sirius said, a little apprehensive.         

"For you to hand yourself to the Ministry." Remus said. "Hmm."

Sirius sighed. "I know it sounds bad..I just.."

"Want to know if I'm in?"

"I guess, yes." Sirius sat down on a chair beside Remus and put the coffee mug down. " I can't let Peter live." Sirius looked at Remus, no hesitation in his eyes."

"I know." Remus sighed. " Sirius I'm in. It's just that, I'm not sure if this will tilt in our favor."

"We have to try." Sirius looked apologetic. " I don't want to put you through this again but Peter killed them, Remus. Harry could've been dead too. Doesn't that make your blood boil?"

"Of course it does." Remus whispered. " But I'd lost James, Lily, Peter, you and Harry all on the same day. And that gives a different perspective on hate. I was so..sad.hurt that I couldn't feel hate. I didn't feel anything."

"Did you not want to kill me, when you thou...."

"No." Remus almost laughed. " I never thought about killing you. I wanted answers. How you could do..what you did..I loved you in my nightmares...I loved you in my daydreams. I was scared when Dumbledore told me you escaped. I thought...you wanted to kill Harry and if it was so...It would be my responsibility to save him from you...but if you came to me and asked for help, in killing him, I'm not sure I could've resisted....."

Sirius had his head rested on one arm on the table. His eyes were red. A tear rolled down his nose and he swallowed audibly. His pale nose was red too and he bit on his lower lip. Remus looked at him and guilt and embarrassment creeped up on him."I know...it's so dark of me to think this..."

"No." Sirius said and took Remus's hand in his. "Thank you for loving me even when I thought you didn't."

Remus nodded." We need to stop doing this." He sniffed.

"Doing what?" Sirius rubbed his eyes.

"This.." Remus waved his hand in the free space between them. " This is too much of emotion."

Sirius smiled. He knew Remus was never too comfortable laying down all his feelings in the open. Sirius usually had to coax it out of him.

" So..." Remus said,"You sure, you wanna do this?"

Sirius nodded.

"Okay, then. I'll owl Dumbledore." Remus said and sat down with a parchment and quill. He wrote and asked Dumbledore to meet them in the same Inn where he had met them two days prior, at seven in the evening the next day.

"Sirius, I'm gonna go and post this. Will you be okay?" Remus asked. Sirius had suddenly fallen silent and was standing, very still, at the window, looking outside.When Remus received no answer, he silently padded over to him. "Will you be okay?" He whispered.

Sirius was caught off guard and almost jumped out of his skin.

"It's just me. You're fine." Remus assured him, moving away slightly.

"Sorry. I was just thinking." Sirius tried steadying his heartbeat. "You were saying something?"

Remus looked at Sirius. Something didn't seem right. " Sirius is everything..."

"Yes. You have to owl the letter. Go. I'll be alright." Sirius said, transparently breaking out of his trance.

"Go." Sirius literally pushed him out of the door and closed it behind him.

Remus was taken aback. Something was definitely up but he had to owl the letter. He decided he would owl it as soon as possible and get the basic supplies and be back within the hour. Sirius would be fine.

But as usual, fate had different plans. When Remus apparate to Diagon Alley, he was met with streets full of knee deep water. Apparently some idiot in a shop had started a fight with the shopkeeper over some issue (that Remus didn't bother to pick up). They'd started firing spells at each other and some spell had backfired resulting in a flood. Everyone was wading through the water cursing everyone else. It took him half an hour to owl the letter and then the sunny sky was suddenly overcast with clouds and it started pouring torrentially . By the time Remus got home with food and supplies, he was soaking wet and almost three hours had gone bye.

He dumped his bags on the table.

"Sirius.", he called out. No answer. Everything was quiet save for the pattering of raindrops on the window panes.

"Sirius." Remus called again, his heart hyperventilating. He ran room to room but Sirius wasn't there. He wasn't under the bed as Padfoot or in the bathroom. Remus couldn't even call his name out loud. He sat down heavily on their bed. His throat had gone dry and he was on the verge of breaking down in hysteria when he saw that that the window was open. He hurried over to see Sirius sitting on the fire escape, soaking wet with his head in his hand.

"Sirius." Remus whispered.

Sirius looked up. His eyes were red but otherwise he looked gaunt and pale.

"What are you doing?" Remus shouted and even though the torrential rain damped his voice, Sirius flinched." Get in here. Now."

Sirius scrambled to his feet and obeyed. Remus pulled Sirius to the bathroom and ran the taps for hot water. Sirius was shivering and he was trying his best to not let his teeth chatter but Remus could see that he was having a hard time controlling his body. Remus applied heating charms all over the bathroom and spelled Sirius as dry as he possibly could.

"Take your clothes off and get in the bathtub right now." He said his voice dangerously low.

Sirius hesitated.

"Now, Sirius."

Sirius puled his clothes off but it was apparent that he was embarrassed and Remus looked away.

"You can look." Sirius finally rasped out. and Remus felt like a boulder had been lifted off his chest.

He sighed and turned to see Sirius stark naked and still shivering. "Get in. You're cold."

Sirius obliged again. He yelped at the first contact of hot water with his freezing skin and hissed until his body adjusted. Remus sat at the edge of the bath and finally allowed himself to look at Sirius properly. His chest tightened as he saw Sirius's ribs beneath paper thin,pale skin.Remus had always been skinny but Sirius had had a very toned physique in the past. Remus could still recall the feel of Sirius's muscles on his fingertips. His torso was littered with tattoos of Runes, most of which Remus didn't recognize. He wondered how and when Sirius had got them. His arms were thin too, the skin sagged and wrinkled. His collarbones were jutting out and his skin looked brittle enough to make Remus wonder how everything was holding itself together. His stomach was hollow and the dark tuft of hair that went down his navel....Remus didn't let his thoughts wander but heat pooled at the base of his stomach.

Sirius gasped and Remus pulled his eyes back at Sirius's face, flushed and sweaty now. Sirius blushed as Remus realized that he'd been staring far too long.

"You're..." Sirius couldn't find the right words for what he'd just sensed and Remus blushed as he realized that he was hard. " How can you..me like this..still..." Sirius stammered and his voice caught in his throat.

Remus was aroused.

Sirius was nothing more than a pile of bones held together somehow by skin and Remus was still aroused.

"I'll go." Remus said but made no attempt to get up.

"No." Sirius shook his head in disbelief. "Remus I...I can't."

Remus looked surprised only for a split second before understanding set in and Sirius could almost cry because _Remus understood_."Azkaban..and I can't.." was all he could say. He'd been close to Remus yesterday, very close and his nerves had been on fire but his body hadn't responded...and he'd just known.

"It's...." _alright_. Remus was about to say but for Sirius it wasn't. How could it be _alright_? Remus loved him all heart and sole, body and mind but now he couldn't reciprocate because his fucking body wouldn't fucking allow him to. Of all the things Azkaban could've taken away.....

"I'll just go." Remus said and got up to leave.

" No, wait." Sirius grabbed Remus's hand and in the process splashed water out of the tub. "Don't go. Let me." The words left his mouth even before he knew he was saying them. But _he needed Remus._

Remus's eyes widened as he was caught off guard. Sirius couldn't possibly be suggesting...

"Let me, please." Sirius said again and the desperation and need in his voice pulled at Remus, doing nothing to help the existing problem.

With a slight nod of his head. Remus pulled down his wet jeans and underwear and Sirius felt his mouth go dry.

Remus only slightly looked at himself in the mirror, blushed even more and let out a shaky breath. He stepped closer to Sirius who looked every bit as uncertain as Remus felt. Sirius weaved his hands with Remus's and kissed his palms. He went up on his knees and kissed the soft brown hair on Remus's tummy and sucked at the sensitive skin making Remus moan and hold his hand in a tighter grasp. Water lapt against porcelain as Sirius kissed his way up to Remus's chest, pushing his wet shirt up in the process. Sirius pulled it over his head and threw it aside before he bent down and crushed his lips on Sirius's.

 _"Sirius."_ Remus's skin was on fire and with every nerve on his body he wanted Sirius. His moaned Sirius's name over and over. Sirius kissed and sucked his scars, scars that had been cut, opened and healed numerous times, resulting in various degrees of sensitivity all over him. Each kiss felt different on his wet skin and Remus could no longer think. He gasped as Sirius sucked and tugged his nipples and threw away the damned shirt. The need to kiss Sirius got the better of him and he hunched forward and crushed his lips on Sirius's.

They broke away dizzy and in dire need of oxygen.Sirius's knees ached and he grabbed Remus's hips and let his head rest on Remus's stomach. Sirius concentrated on the feel of Remus around him. His hot breath and sweat. When he felt like he could breathe again he kissed Remus on the sensitive spot on his abdomen, cupped his balls in his hand and gave a slight squeeze.

All the air from Remus's lungs was punched out as Sirius held him. His legs faltered and he had to support himself on the opposite wall so as not to fall over. Then in one swift movement, Sirius took his entire length in his mouth. Remus couldn't breathe as Sirius _did things_ with his tongue. Remus knew he wouldn't last long. The sensation of Sirius all around and over him was too tantalizing, too intoxicating to keep him at bay for too long.

Sirius's head throbbed as he bobbed his mouth up and down the entire length of Remus. Remus was moaning his name and it was unfair that Remus was able to show him how much he loves him but Sirius was unable to do so. All his blood shot up to his head and his heart was hammering in his chest because his blood just won't flow in the right direction.

"Sirius..I'm...I'm gonna....." Remus grunted and thrusted harder.

Sirius let Remus out and he cried. " Padfoot!" He instinctively grabbed Sirius's hand and curled it around his prick, thrusting and hammering into his hand. Remus was caught between standing and kneeling, his damp hair was allover his face and his features were strained and he moaned and cursed, his eyes half open, rolled up sometimes and Remus's hand was in his hair and Sirius just couldn't breath because Remus is all around him and he'll never let this feeling go.

Remus came with a cry and pulled Sirius's hair so hard, it almost made him cry. He thrusted in his hands a few more times, riding out the last of his orgasm before his legs gave up under him and he collapsed on the floor, breathing heavily.

They sat like that for a while, the rain and their panting the only sounds in the room. Sirius looked at Remus and there was such content on his face. Remus looked back.

"You okay?" He asked.

Sirius nodded. "You look..."

"Happy?"

"Would you say so?" Sirius asked in anticipation. Could this shadow of a man he'd once been make Remus happy?

Remus smiled and it was the first real smile Sirius had seen in twelve years. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. And Remus looked so beautiful with his wet mopey hair, the sheen of sweat on his face and the way his ears and nose redden up when he was embarrassed. And God that smile!! That smile was all the answer Sirius needed.

"Happiness suites you." Sirius said.

"You should finish your bath." Remus grabbed his wand ,waved his mess clean and gathered his clothes. " I'll be in the kitchen."

* * *

 

"What happened this morning?" Remus asked quietly over a bowl of rice and curry that he'd bought back from Diagon alley.

"Let's just finish our food first and then we can talk." Sirius whispered. Remus was about to protest but then Sirius looked up at him and Remus just knew he needed to wait.

By the time they finished their meal and washed the dishes, it was almost six and darkness had descended on them. It was still raining outside and even though it was August, Sirius shivered. Remus got him a blanket and they made themselves comfortable on their worn and rickety couch.

"So, this morning I saw someone dressed in a robe and freaked. It wasn't a minister or wizard." Sirius said hurriedly as Remus tensed up. "It was some kid dressing up for school."

"Sirius, no one other than James, Lily and Peter knew about this place."Remus said.

"But it's in my name. They might search for it." Sirius sighed. "Look what I'm saying is, maybe you should go back when..." But he stopped when he saw Remus go pale.

 _"I should go back?"_ He whispered.

"No, Merlin No! That's not what I meant, Remus." Sirius grabbed Remus's hands.

Remus sighed and sank down on the couch.

"Okay. I should've started differently." Sirius said and took a minute to gather his thoughts. " Okay so, if I'm taken away..When I'm taken away, during the trial they might keep me in temporary holding in the Ministry or send me back...So..I..um...Since I'm a suspected mass murderer, They'll probably send me back to Azkaban even during the trials. If they don't, they'll station dementors in the Ministry holding. I can't be with you when they come to arrest me. If we're together, they'll arrest you too for aiding me and just because of who you are they'll send you to Azkaban too. You can't...shouldn't..with the dementor..." Sirius's voice broke. He was surprised he'd gotten along this long without breaking down. " I can't have you thrown in Azkaban because of me."

Remus looked like he was about to throw up but Sirius saw him take a few deep,shaky breaths to calm himself. "Were you running away?-because that's incredibly stupid.." He whispered.

"No." Sirius said quietly. "I was trying to feel what it would be like if I had to run away."

"You don't have to." Remus said. "If they take me in it..."

"No,Remus. I can't have you go to Azkaban for me." Sirius said with finality. "They don't just force you to relive your worse memories, they manipulate it, make you suffer. And you..we both know what that will be like for you."

"Do you?" Remus shot back, unsure of why he suddenly felt so angry.

"Pardon?"

"You were gone for twelve years and you presume to know what my worse memories are?" He said, in a cold low voice. Sirius knew nothing. Sirius didn't seen him suffer after _that_ day, how he had had to arrange three of his best friends' funeral, how he drank himself away for months, how he struggled with his transformations and how his body just wouldn't heal because he'd just given up or how he'd lived on the streets for a year because he couldn't get a month's salary from a job. The pain and horror of being bitten, even at the age of four, by a werewolf seemed small in comparison to the pain he'd suffered over the last decade. Sirius knew nothing.

"Remus." Suddenly Sirius's face was too close to him. His eyes were red again, pleading with him. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I didn't mean to presume."

"What-did I..." Remus realized he'd said it all out loud and wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.

Sirius nodded. "I just don't want them to take you away too."

"Don't you dare." Remus snarled. "I've been through this once. I'm not doing this again." Remus pushed Sirius aside and stood up. "This is a bad idea."

"Well it's the only one we have." Sirius said and an owl pecked on their window.

Remus let the owl in and took the letter from it's beak. It flew away in a hurry. "Dumbledore's agreed to meet us." He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice as he threw it on the table and stomped away into their room. He rested his head on the door as he locked it behind him and sighed. What was wrong with him? He knew it was the only way but he hated it all the same. But he couldn't keep the apprehension out. The uncertainty of the plan ate him away on the insides. Dumbledore was the head of the Wizengamot and he might be able to give him a trail but if he wasn't allowed to lead the investigation and the person who took his place wasn't through enough? What if they couldn't find Peter and Sirius was accused yet again? There were a million ways it could go wrong. How could Sirius ask this of him? How could the universe ask _this of them?_ He just got Sirius back. He wasn't ready to let him go yet. He would never be ready again.

Sirius stood still as Remus banged the door close. He racked his brains to think of something else, some other plan. He could try to flush Peter out but wouldn't just that be more risky? He tried that last time-he went after Peter and ended up in Azkaban for twelve years and Peter went free. If he was given a fair trial, then there might be a chance to get a hold of Peter as evidence. He had to risk it. For Harry, for Remus and above all for James and Lily.

He knocked on the door."Remus."

There was no answer but Sirius could hear his ragged breath on the other side of the door.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, for everything. I don't want to hurt you anymore. Please open the door. Just please..listen to me." Sirius whispered to the door.

"I know what you have to say, Sirius and I know you're right. But i can't get my head around it. I just can't and you were running away. I almost died in the few seconds I couldn't find you." Remus said, his voice rough and low.

"I wasn't running away. I'll not run again. I'll never leave you again. It was a mistake." Sirius rested his head against the door.

"Don't make promises you can't keep." Remus shot back. Sirius had no reply to that. He would try his best to keep his word, he would die trying but there was no assurances."What if the trial goes south?" Remus asked his voice breaking.

"Even after they took me away- It took me days to believe that they were really dead. I thought it was a haze, a nightmare, a hallucination. I've had had plenty of them before. But what I knew was that you were alone. If I wasn't with you, you were alone and it struck me then- I could never leave you. No matter how cold you were to me- we'd been together for eleven years and they were the happiest I'd ever been. It was all for you. I was a very difficult person before you happened to me and in that grey, dark cell in Azkaban I decided that when I got out, if I did- I would spend at least the next eleven years loving you even if you hated me. I owed you that. I owe you that. I love you enough to pledge my life to you like that. So you see when you thought I'd betrayed you was when I decided to love you more, more than I believed myself to be capable of. " Sirius sighed.

"Why are you telling me this?"Remus's choked voice asked.

Suddenly Sirius felt tired and dizzy. He slid down against the door and breathed in and out in an attempt to let oxygen flow to his brain."When it finally sunk in-that they were dead-that's when the dementors crowded around me the most. I saw things that happened over and over, each time more grotesque and blood curling than the last. When my mind couldn't finally throw up any more scenarios, I just went numb. There were days I couldn't remember the truth, couldn't remember their..your face. Even without the dementors, the nightmares were..." Sirius stopped to collect himself. '' But there was one day when I had this dream. I don't remember what I saw but it was about James and Lily and I felt warmth. By then, the concept of warmth had become so alien...it was like a miracle. I woke up as Padfoot next. It was that dream, their dream that gave me the instrument to save my sanity. Even in death, they save me. I made a mistake Remus-one wrong choice and and it killed them, orphaned Harry and gave you twelve years of suffering. We could've raised Harry, together. I might've hated Peter less if we had had that. I know I sound like a horrible person but I really do hate Peter more because he framed me and let you to believe that I was the traitor- betraying us and killing them wasn't enough. He chose to make each one of us suffer. I cannot let that go. Peter has to suffer. And believe me Remus if the situation were different, had he killed you, I would've done the exact same thing to avenge us. If I get my hands on him tomorrow, I'll kill him. I'm not looking to clear my name, I'm looking to make him suffer. If I can kill him without a trail, I'll gladly do so and then we can run away and live in a cottage by the sea...."

"Stop." Remus almost howled and opened the door. Sirius fell in but Remus caught him and embraced him with all his strength.

"Shh...it's okay." Sirius whispered and he caressed Remus's hair as he cried out all the pain he'd held in for twelve years. A few tears escaped Sirius's eyes too as he felt pain and grief radiate of Remus in waves.

"I'm scared." Remus said as he pulled away, gasping for breath.

"I know. I do. So am I." Sirius sniffed and wiped the tears off Remus's face and combed his hair back into place.

"There's no other way." Remus hiccuped.

"No." Sirius mouthed, cupping Remus's red, blotchy face.

"Okay." Remus finally said and Sirius knew that he finally understood and was ready.

"I've missed you so much." Sirius whispered as he kissed Remus, gently, softly, all urgency was gone now. He would take his time relearning Remus's taste and smell properly. Remus gave in immediately and pulled Sirius closer.

They broke away only when the need to breathe got the better of them and they giggled like school kids.

"We need to sleep." Remus said when Sirius yawned, his eye lids heavy and drooping.

"We do." Sirius mumbled.

They helped each other up, pulled themselves over to bed and fell asleep in a tangle of arms and limbs, warm and finally at home.

* * *

 

The next evening Remus, Sirius and Dumbledore sat in deep thought in a dimly lit room of the Moonlight Inn.

" You are sure, you've told me everything?" Dumbledore asked, his blue eyes piercing Sirius's grey ones.

"Absolutely sure." Sirius replied tightly. Dumbledore was in his head again.

"Pardon me if I want to be sure about what I'm getting into." Dumbledore said.

"Professor, what can we do?" Remus asked.

"The Ministry has to be tipped off about Mr. Black's whereabouts first. He will be taken into custody. I will be at the Ministry and will aid in his arrest so that I can monitor the Dementors. You will not receive the Kiss, Sirius. They will take you away in holding and a trial date will be fixed. You will be called in and allowed to tell your part. That's when you'll tell them about being illegal animagus. Now this might complicate things but I will try not prioritize it. Remus, being the only surviving witness to this, you will be asked to testify. Once it is established that Peter is indeed an animagus and alive, the court will allow the capture of Peter. That is as far as can be planned. We don't know how long it will take to capture Peter."

"But, professor if he realizes we are after him, he might try to run and hide." Remus said.

"I will try and keep the trial private. No reporters, no publicity. But I am afraid, I cannot keep the arrest a secret. It is too big a news to bury. We have to take that risk." Dumbledore sighed, he looked old and tired. "I will try." He said after a while. "-to keep the arrest as quite an affair as possible."

Sirius and Remus looked apprehensively at each other.

"So when do we do it?" Sirius asked.

"Tomorrow." Dumbledore said. "The sooner the better."

"So how do we...?" Sirius asked again but the uncertain and pity full look that Dumbledore threw Remus's way caught Sirius off guard. He turned to see Remus's face ashen.

"What...? What an I missing?" He asked.

"Remus, you understand you have to be the one to tip off the Ministry?" Dumbledore said in a low, grave voice and Sirius felt all the air in his lungs evaporate away.

Remus nodded slightly. He'd almost known it all along, at the back of his head-not a coherent thought but a festering idea.

''Why does it have to be him?" Sirius asked,barely a whisper.

" If I do it, I won't be allowed to be on the trial. If you are identified by someone else, people will panic and the Ministry might allow the Dementors to administer he kiss. This is the only way the situation can be contained." Dumbledore explained.

Sirius looked from Dumbledore to Remus. "You agree with this?" He asked Remus.

Remus nodded his head only slightly.

"Okay, then." Sirius took a shaky breath."When?"

"I suggest you go back to Remus's house, not where you are living now, before you tip the Ministry off. Do it tomorrow morning. I will be prepared." Dumbledore said and got up to leave. "Now if you will excuse me, I have to go and make some arrangements of my own."

Dumbledore disapparated leaving Sirius and Remus to their own device.

"We need to leave too." Sirius sighed.

Remus looked at him, tired-face still pale and ashen. He grabbed Sirius's arms and disapparated from the Inn and apparated into their flat. Immediately he let go of Sirius's arm and ran to the bathroom. Sirius heard him being violently sick for a while. He debated whether he should give Remus some space but gave up after a while. He rubbed circles on Remus's back as he dry-heaved, his face scrunched up in pain.

"It's okay now, Remus. Just calm down." Sirius whispered. He gave Remus a glass of water, when Remus found his breath again. He quietly rinsed his mouth as Sirius stood by and watched.

"Come to bed. Please." Remus almost pleaded.

"Of course I will." Sirius said. There was no place he would rather be. This night might be last night he spends with Remus.

　

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea about how a case is handled in a court so please forgive me for my mistakes and feel free to point them out. I'm absolutely flexible and can change the chapter later on to something more authentic.

Remus leaned against the cold bathroom wall, dizzy and still nauseous, after the third bout of vomiting that day. He gasped because somehow there just wasn't enough oxygen and pressed the heels of his palm to his eyes.

Sirius was gone. _Again_. Taken away in a cold and grey sweep of Ministry officials and Dementors and Remus had just stood there, helpless. Sirius hadn't turned back to look at him even once and that hurt on such a primal level that Remus felt like all his organs had been ripped out of his body. Cornelius Fudge and Dumbledore had thanked him and shaken his hand for handing Sirius over to them. It made Remus sick to his stomach.

And then there were the Dementors. Remus hadn't thought that after everything that went awry in his life, being bitten at the age of four could still be his worse memory. But it had been. Only this time it was worse. He'd been four years old when Fenrir Greyback had broken into his room and bitten him, marking the beginning of a cursed and isolated life. But the pain of the attack or that of his first few transformations were only an idea at the back of his head, a dark black mass of pain and suffering, without actual coherent memories. That was until now. The moment those Dementors swept in, images rose up in his mind, unabatingly- How he'd woken up to the sound of his window being shattered. In the darkness of the night he'd understood nothing till the blinding pain had paralysed him. He had been pulled away by someone, something-vile and unnatural, foul and loathsome. He had screamed, screamed for someone to save him, screamed for him parents. It had seemed like a lifetime had passed till his father and mother had barged into the room, throwing curses his way. It had been a while before the beast let go of him and fled but he had been in pain and there had been so much blood around him, on him. He'd cried and screamed as his father had used spells after spells to control his pain. He'd taken him to St. Mungo's where the healers and nurses had looked at him with pity, some even with disgust. In the following days he'd felt his body change but couldn't quite put his finger on the problem. He's seen his mother cry copiously and his father apologize to her over and over when they thought he was asleep. When the next full moon had come, his parents had locked him in a room and he'd been in pain, horrific blinding pain, worse than the month before. When he'd woke up again, he was bloodied all over, pain eating away at his joints. His parents hand nursed him back to health that day but it continued month after month.

Remus hunched over the toilet again as another wave of nausea over took him.

 _You need to stop this_. His mind screamed.

The Dementors were gone before memories of _that_ October surfaced. But Sirius was gone with them. Remus heaved.

After hours, when Remus finally managed to pulled himself out of the bathroom, he found a letter sitting on his table. It was from Switzerland. He was supposed to turn in a paper three days ago. Remus sighed. He'd completely forgotten about it. Dumbledore's arrival had turned his life around. He sat down with the rolls of parchment he'd been working on earlier and tried to concentrate. There was nothing he could do, till a date was fixed for the trial. If he managed to turn his work in by tomorrow, he would get some money in return. Merlin knows he....they needed it. It took another three hours for Remus to complete his work but by then it was already eight in the evening. He decided to owl it the next day and pulled himself to bed. He let his exhaustion take over him and fell asleep in a deep slumber.

* * *

 

Sirius made himself as small as his could at the far corner of his cell but with the chill of the Dementors, no corner seemed far enough. He was once again in prison rags and the cold seeped into his bones. He tried remembering the warm bath he'd taken and Remus.. _oh Remus_ and naked...

 _"You left me."_ Remus's voice floated to him.

 _"You killed us Padfoot. Sirius, you killed us."_ James and Lily said.

"No. No!." Sirius screamed. _This isn't true. Remus forgave me._ Sirius thought. _It's the Dementors. Don't think about Remus. They'll take away that memory, modify it._

Sirius tried shutting his mind.

Suddenly someone banged the steel of his cell. He opened his eyes to see a guard.

"Your trial date has been fixed. It's day after tomorrow." The guard said and left in a hurry.

Sirius sighed. How long had he been in here? He judged it at two days based on the number of meals he'd received. He'd barely been able to eat anything. He was too anxious. He hadn't received the Kiss yet. That might be a good sign.

Sirius curled into himself in an attempt to keep himself warm and waited.

Two days later he was dragged out of his cell. His hands and legs were shackled and he was escorted by two guards into a dark corner. He could hear the court assembling in the courtroom. He could hear Dumbledore's voice announcing the beginning of the trial and then he was being pushed inside the huge courtroom. He was blinded even by the dim light inside but when could see clearly, he saw Dumbledore and fifty other court members sitting in chairs overlooking him. Other than that there was only a Scribe taking notes of the proceedings. He was pushed to sit in a chair which magically binded him to itself as it shackled him over again.

"Mr. Sirius Black," Dumbledore's voice boomed in the high ceilings of the courtroom. " Not a single lawyer was willing to represent you in this court of law. We have therefore decided to conduct this trial differently. We will ask you some questions and based on them we will ask you if someone can corroborate your story. Then we will proceed to give a judgement. Do you understand me?"

Sirius nodded his head and then he realized that it was a court of law. "Yes." He rasped out.

"Very well then. You will be given a doze of Veritaserum now after which we will ask our questions."

A guard came in with a vial of clear liquid and poured it down his throat. Sirius felt the warm tingle of magic in his finger tips. Apprehension set in. There was a sick feeling at the pit of his stomach. The truth portion. They could manipulate him into saying everything out loud.

" Do you understand that the charges against you are as follows: You have been accused of murdering twelve muggles and Peter Pettigrew on the night of 1st November 1981." Dumbledore asked.

" Yes." Sirius said.

" Okay then." Dumbledore began. " Is your name Sirius Orion Black?"

"Yes." Sirius said.

"Your parents were Orion and Walburga Black?"

"Yes."

"You had a brother named Regulus Arcturus Black?"

"Yes."

"Do you know what became of him?"

" I know he became a death eater at the age of fifteen and that he was presumed dead along with my parents in 1981." Sirius's voice quivered but he

"Did you attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry from 1971 to 1978 as a Gryffindor?" Dumbledore asked.

"I did."

" There you befriended James Potter, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew?"

"Amongst many others. Yes. I did."

"Can you name a few more of your friends?"

"Marlen McKinnon, Frank and Alice Longbottom, Dorcas Medows, Lily Evans..." Sirius's voice broke. "...Caradoc Dearborn, Amelia and Edgar Bones, Benjy Fenwick, Gideon and Fabian Prewett.."

Dumbledore raised his hands to stop him. " You realize, Mr. Black, that most of all the people who you've named are either dead or impaired for life?"

"Yes." Sirius said. " Save for Peter Pettigrew."

People in the courtroom gasped and started whispering. " Silence." Dumbledore bellowed and everything was as quite as death again.

"Mr. Black, you were convicted twelve years ago for the murder of twelve muggles and Peter Pettigrew are you saying he is still alive?"

"Albus this is a waste of time." Cornelius Fudge said in irritation. "All that was found of Peter Pettigrew was a finger. This man here blew him up into pieces." He pointed at Sirius.

Sirius's blood boiled. That man knew nothing.

" Please, Mr. President. These are mere formalities of a trial. I have to ask these questions." Dumbledore said as gently as possible but with a sense of finality that didn't allow Fudge to argue.

" Mr. Black, I have to ask, how is it that you escaped Azkaban?" Dumbledore asked.

" I am an unregistered animagus. I can turn into a black dog. It's how I escaped." Sirius tried to ignore the gasp from the other court members and continued. " It is well known that Dementors don't affect other creatures as deeply as it affects humans. Being an animagus is how I maintained my sanity in Azkaban."

"Silence." Dumbledore said again. " And how did you come to achieve this extraordinary feet?"

Sirius's ears were ringing. He would have to tell them everything. Every secret the Marauders had sworn to carry to their grave would now be spilled from his mouth in a court full of people, to be taken down as public record. Sirius choked.

" Whilst at Hogwarts I befriended someone who was a werewolf." Another gasp. "It didn't take us long to figure out his ailment. We decided to not let him suffer alone and from that was born our desire to turn into animagus. It took us years but finally in our fifth year at Hogwarts we managed to complete our transformations."

"Who were these friends that aided you?"

"James Potter and Peter Pettigrew."

" And what was their Animagus forms?"

"James Potter could turn into a stag while Peter Pettigrew could transform into Rat."

" And who was this werewolf friend you befriended."

"Remus Lupin." Sirius croaked and wished death upon himself. He shouldn't have done this. Fuck killing Peter. Killing Peter wasn't worth this. Killing Peter wasn't worth humiliating Remus and condemning him to a life more isolated than the one he'd already been living.

Drowned in his thoughts, Sirius had missed the commotion among the court members. What he'd said was in it's own self outrageous enough.

" Silence." Dumbledore boomed again. " Mr. Black, can anyone verify this for you."

Sirius nodded. " Remus Lupin can."

"You were the Potters' secret keeper." A pudgy female minister asked.

"I wasn't. Peter was. We switched at the last moment. It was essential. I had a target on my back. The rest of my family was killed by Voldemort a few months prior. I was the obvious choice for secret keeper. So we switched to throw death eaters off track by switching."

" Did Mr. Lupin know about this? Who were privy to this change?" She asked.

"James, Lily, Peter and I." Sirius sighed.

"Why not Mr. Lupin?"

"I assumed back then that he was a spy?" Sirius's voice shook.

"Was he?"

" No!" Sirius screamed. " He wasn't. He isn't."

" Very well, then." Dumbledore said as he scribbled something down. " Mr. Black, please elaborate the night of 31st October, 1981."

Sirius took a few shaky breaths to compose himself and started speaking. He shut his mind off. He didn't need to think about that night to elaborate it. He'd gone over it in his head a million times. When he finished the whole courtroom was silent and Sirius felt faint. The court members were thinking, wondering about the authenticity but Veritaserum had been used.

" Mr. Black, it's time for another doze of Veritaserum. This court has been in session for three hours." Dumbledore all but whispered and it seemed loud enough to raise the dead.

Another vial of liquid was poured down Sirius's throat but his eyes felt heavy and his breath was ragged.

"Peter Pettigrew was killed on the evening of 1st November 1981, almost a day after James and Lily Potter died. Where were you during that time?" Dumbledore asked.

" When I realized what Peter had done, I thought about going back to Remus. He was still alive. He would've trusted me."

"But you didn't?" A minister asked.

" I didn't, no. I was too engulfed in rage. When Hagrid took Harry away I just snapped and went off to search for Peter. It took me hours to trace his smell and then find him. When I finally found him, it was in a street full of muggles. He shouted that I killed my friends and betrayed everyone. People looked at us and before I knew anything, he cut his finger off, blasted the entire street, transformed and disappeared into the gutter."

"So you made no contact with anyone during that day?" the minister asked.

"No. I went about tracing Peter." Sirius sighed. 

" Why did you escape, Mr. Black?" Dumbledore asked.

" When Harry James Potter was born I was made The godfather by James and Lily. One day in prison I saw a person whom I later recognized as Barty Crouch from newspaper articles and he was carrying a newspaper. It was the first real item I had seen from the outside world in a very long time. I couldn't resist asking for it. He handed it over to me and on that paper was a picture of the Weasley family who were on a trip to Egypt. One of their sons' hand a rat on him, as his pet, I supposed then. I recognized that rat as Peter Pettigrew. The paper said that the son was in his third year at Hogwarts. I saw the date on the paper and the year. That was when I realized that Harry Potter is in the same year as the boy who has the rat. I assumed that Peter would go to Hogwarts and try and kill my godson. I escaped so that I could kill Peter." Sirius said, more calm than he'd imagined he could be.

Dumbledore asked Sirius which day the paper in question was dated and ordered it to be brought to him from the archives. The court members looked at him with mixed emotions. Some were thoughtful, some were trying to wrap their head around the story, few looked at him with disgust.

"This is absurd." A minister spoke up.

" Yes, Mr. Raoul?" Dumbledore asked.

" I know Arthur Weasley and I've seen that rat scutter around their house for a long time now. Ronald Weasley is the boy who is in the same year has Harry Potter. If Peter Pettigrew is indeed the rat then why hasn't Mr. Potter been attacked in two years." The minister asked.

" I don't know that. But I can only assume that he has taken shelter in a wizarding family to keep an eye out for changes. Maybe he is just lying in wait for Lord Voldemort to gain power." Sirius said and the court erupted in chaos.

"Silence. Silence." Shouted Dumbledore as the paper was brought to him." How did you recognize Mr. Pettigrew from that picture." Dumbledore asked, fire in his eyes.

"The rat in the picture had a toe missing. Peter had cut it off before blasting the entire street. He then transformed into the rat and disappeared into a gutter." Sirius said. The paper was passed on from person to person and they squinted their eyes to see the picture. Some of their eyes widened in realization while others looked neutral.

" Very well then." Dumbledore said. " I believe we have all that we need. If anyone had any further inquiries for Mr. Black they may ask their questions now." No one asked anything. " Mr. Black any additional information you may wish to share."

Sirius nodded. " No, sir."

"The court will assemble in half an hour again." Dumbledore said and the court disassembled.

The guards pulled Sirius out of the chair and dragged him to his cell. Sirius's feet were heavy and his mind groggy but on his way to the cell, he caught a whiff of Remus-a ghost of a smell that lingered in the air. He looked around frantically and saw Remus standing in a corner, far away. He looked pale but he nodded and smiled only slightly. Sirius sighed in relief.

As the guards threw him away in his cell again and the chill of the Dementors threatened to overtake him, the thought of Remus and his love kept Sirius alive.

* * *

 

Remus shivered as he sat on a chair in front of an entire courtroom.

"Mr. Remus Lupin," Dumbledore said. " You are here as witness for Mr. Sirius Black who had been accused for the murder of twelve muggles and Mr. Peter Pettigrew but pleads innocent of his crimes."

"Yes." Remus replied.

"Very well. Mr. Lupin, you will be administered a doze of Veritaserum now." A guard came and poured a vile of liquid in his mouth.

The court gave the magic a minute to work.

"Mr. Lupin, is it right that you attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as a Gryffindor from 1971 to 1978?"

"Yes."

"And who were you closest friends there?"

"James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew."

"Is it true that you are a Werewolf?"

Remus froze and his hand and feet went cold. A lifetime of hiding and this is how he has to reveal his deepest darkest secret. " Yes." He whispered.

"Sorry?"

" Yes." Remus said louder keeping his eyes low but he could feel the disgusted look that most of the ministers were throwing his way.

"Did your friends know about this?" Dumbledore asked.

"Y..." Sirius cleared his throat." Yes."

"And how did they react?" A plum minister in pink asked, apparently unable to contain her inquisitive nature.

" They embraced me with open arms. They never judged me, hated me or treated me any different than themselves."

"But you are different aren't you?" The minister sneered. " You and your kind..." She spat and her hatred made Remus sick to his stomach.

"Sit down, Minister." Dumbledore said sternly. "We are here for a different issue today."

" We are aware that your friends took some extraordinary measures to help you." Dumbledore said as the other minister sat down.

"Yes. They learned how to become Animagus." Remus said

"When was this?" Dumbledore asked.

"They started in our third year and completed it in our fifth year at Hogwarts."

"So by 1981 all three of them had mastery over their transformations. Would you agree?" Another minister asked.

"Yes. Yes, they did." Remus said.

"What is the nature of your relationship with Sirius Black?" The minister asked.

" He was..is my friend." Remus said tightly.

"Just friends?" The minister asked. " Nothing more? Your kind is know to have....perversions."

Remus felt the ground being pulled off his feet. He'd just confessed he was a werewolf and now he was supposed to confess that he was queer to a world that had cruel reservations about a man's sexuality? He hoped Dumbledore would intervene. But no objections were made.

"He was my boyfriend." Remus said as most people looked at him, disgusted. If the world was ruled by them, he would be hanged publicly for being a gay werewolf.

"Mr. Lupin." Dumbledore asked before any other wayward questions could be asked. " Did you believe Sirius Black to be the Potters' secret keeper in 1981?"

" Yes." Remus answered.

" But he claims he wasn't."

"Yes. Back then Sirius decided to switch to Peter. Sirius was like a brother to James and it was known to all. After Sirius's family was killed, James and Lily realized that Sirius would be the centre of a manhunt. Death eaters would naturally come after him. So they decided to go with Peter as the secret keeper." Remus said.

"And you weren't aware of this?" Dumbledore asked.

"No. I wasn't."

"Why not? -if you were so close..." The minister in pink asked.

" Sirius doubted me to be a spy for Voldemort."

The crowd gasped at the name and some sneered at him.

" And were you?" She asked." Your kind was quite inclined to be on his side."

" Absolutely not." Remus replied.

"And you know all this now. How?" Dumbledore asked.

"Sirius showed me." Remus replied feeling slightly uncomfortable.

"Showed you?" The same minister asked.

"Legillmency." Remus simply replied.

"So everything that you know has been told to you by Sirius Black?" Another minister asked. She was a woman, tall and thin, more gentle in her disposition.

"No. I saw the picture on the paper, the one of the Weasleys'. That rat is indeed Peter Pettigrew."

"You saw the picture before or after Mr. Black came to you?" She asked.

"I hadn't noticed the picture well enough before. It was only after Sirius brought it to my attention that I noticed the rat."

"And you are absolutely certain that the rat was Peter Pettigrew?" Dumbledore asked.

"I am absolutely certain. I've seen him transform so many times. I have no doubt." Remus said.

"Could you describe the night of 31st October 1981?" Dumbledore asked.

Remus sighed. This was going to be hard. "Nothing happened out of the ordinary that night. I was at home when I heard crackers go off in the sky outside in the early hours of dawn next morning. I found myself alone at home...."

"Was that unnatural?- you finding yourself alone at home, I mean." The female minister asked.

"No..No. Sirius..had been there with me the previous night. When I woke up I was alone. I heard crackers go off. I didn't know what to do. James and Lily was in hiding, Peter was their secret keeper. I couldn't contact anyone of them. Sirius was gone. It was mid-afternoon, when a friend came over and told me that Voldemort was defeated.." Remus's voice broke.

"Who was this friend?" she asked.

"Frank Lo..Longbottom." Remus said.

"And?"

"He told me that Voldemort was dead but that he'd managed to kill James and Lily first." Remus stopped. _No! He wouldn't be crying in front of a court of people who hated and despised him. But this was getting so hard._ "He told me that their bodies were at St. Mungo's. I went there and I had to identify their bodies. James's parents had died two years prior due to Dragon Pox. Lily's parents had died the previous year. Her sister was a muggle who refused to come to St. Mungo's. Sirius was gone and so I identified the bodies as James and Lily Potter. I couldn't reach Sirius all day and the next morning the news of his capture was all over the Daily Prophet and it said that he'd killed Peter. I tried to gain access to talk to him but no one allowed me."

"So during that one day that he was missing, he made no contact with you." Dumbledore asked.

"No."

"Where was he during that time? You told us you saw into his mind." The woman asked.

"I saw only his urge to kill. They were distorted images, of fields and trees."

"So what do you think it could mean."

"Maybe he was hiding. Trying to find Peter and come up with a plan to kill him." Remus said.

"You sincerely believe that?"

"Yes."

The woman nodded and scribbled things down. When she didn't ask any further questions, Dumbledore spoke. " Very well then. If the interrogators have anymore questions, they may ask."

No one asked anything.

"Mr. Lupin if you have something else to say, you may speak."

Remus nodded. " No." He just wanted to get out of here. The cold was starting to get to him and it was suffocating. The walls seemed to be closing in on him. He looked up to see Dumbledore and a few other ministers talking amongst themselves. His vision was blurry, dancing on the edge on darkness.

 _..your kind has..perversions_ Remus heard the words echo in his head. _Gay werewolf...Your kind was quite inclined to be on his side_

Dimly he registered Dumbledore saying that a warrant will be issued to aid the capture of Peter Pettigrew before dismissing the session.

Remus was beyond relieved and he felt himself go limp in his seat. Things might salvageable. Sirius could be saved. Remus pulled himself out of the chair on unsteady feet. When he came out of the court room he saw people look at him with extreme disgust and disdain. They avoided the slightest contact with him. It made Remus dizzy.

 _..your kind has...perversions ._ He staggered to a washroom which was thankfully empty and vomited in the toilet again. _When would this stop? Why was a lifetime of discriminations not enough to attune him to peoples' hate?_

When he felt like he could finally breathe again, he washed his mouth and splashed cold water on his face over and over.

Later he went to see if the authorities would allow him to see Sirius. He had to argue with them for a while but eventually they gave in and a guard escorted him to Sirius.

" Mooney." Sirius almost cried when he saw Remus. " Are you okay?" He asked grabbing the bars of the cell

" I'm fine, Sirius." Remus said and placed his hand on Sirius's. " It's you who's in here."

"I'm so sorry, Remus. I'm so sorry." Sirius pleased. " I had to tell them things..things that we swore to carry to our graves. I should've never done this. I've risked so much...your condition and our animagus..."

"Sirius, Sirius calm down." Remus said when Sirius was bordering on hysteria. "It's fine."

" No, it's not."

" I told them we're gay." Remus blurted out and Sirius looked faint. " Mooney..you...you'll never get another job because of me." Sirius knew how important it was for Remus to have a normal life.

"No, Padfoot. That's not what I mean." Remus gently said. " I meant that I gave up a secret more loaded than you could've given up. So don't worry about it. They have nothing against us now. There's nothing that Peter can say, that the Ministry doesn't already know. It's fine. Everything's fine. The Ministry has issued an warrant for Peter's arrest. We'll be fine."

Sirius sighed in relief. " But Mooney, I told them you are a werewolf."

"It's okay." Remus earnestly said. " I love you."

"I love you too." Sirius croaked.

"And besides, you have money in Gringots-your entire family fortune. If I don't get a job ever again, you're just gonna have to look after me." Remus attempted at humour. Sirius had always loved taking care of him before, pestering him to not over work himself.

Sirius's face broke out into a smile. " After this, I'll spend every day taking care of you."

"We'll be fine, Sirius." Remus said, brushing his thumb against Sirius's cheeks.

"Yes, we will." Sirius said as he closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

Things would be just fine.

 


	14. Chapter 14

Five days after the first trial date, Remus received a letter from the Ministry saying that new evidence had come to light and another trial date had been fixed for the next day.

 _New evidence._ Could that mean they caught Peter?

Dumbledore had gone to great lengths to keep Sirius's recapture and trail a private affair. The Prophet didn't have a whiff of the news. So the paper would be of no help.

With his heart pounding in his chest, Remus sat down with a parchment and quill, debating whether he should owl Dumbledore. He was the Chief Warlock. Remus was pretty sure that owling him would be against the law

Remus however didn't have to worry for long. Soon after the first letter arrived, a scrawny, old, grey owl knocked on his window. Remus let it in and took the letter from his beak. The poor creature was tired and panting for breath. Remus offered it water and some bread crumbs before he opened the letter. There was no seal on the envelope, no name anywhere on the letter. But the handwriting told Remus that it was from Dumbledore.

_The rat has been captured._

That single line was all that the letter said. Remus wondered at the power of words. This simple sentence, a strange sentence for any onlooker, told Remus that his once best friend who betrayed them and killed two of his other best friends, send another one to Azkaban for twelve years and left him alone and in suffering, was finally captured. He would finally be convicted in Wizengamot and Sirius would walk free.

As Remus sat with the letter in hand, still scared. Why else would he ponder on the power of words? He sighed. Sirius should know about this. He should go and meet Sirius and tell him about this. It had been more than a week since Sirius was recaptured.

 _Don't come back, Mooney._ Sirius had said after Remus had gone pale and started shaking during their previous visit.

Remus knew it would happen again if he went to visit Sirius.

 _But fuck it._ He thought. _Sirius needsto know this. You need to control your emotions, Lupin._

Remus had to argue with the guards and officials again because they just wouldn't let him in. But the news of his being a werewolf had spread through the Ministry and the officials like a wild fire and for the first time in his life, Remus was glad that few people were afraid of his kind. Eventually they looked wary and let him see Sirius.

" Sirius." Remus whispered, pulling his coat tightly against himself. _How the fuck could it be this cold?_ Sirius was hurdled at the far corner of his cell. He opened his eyes, at Remus's voice but Remus saw no recognition in them. Sirius just stared at him, from his corner, eyes dead and unseeing. Remus felt a chill go down his spine, one that had nothing to do with the Dementors. This is how Sirius would look at him if the Kiss had been administered. Remus felt himself go week in the knees and grabbed the bars of the cell.

"Sirius." He called again.

"Go away. You're just another hallucination. I told Remus not to come. You are not Remus. Go away." Sirius said like an automaton.

Remus gasped. " Sirius no!." He offered his hand to him. " Just take my hand. You'll see, I'm real."

Sirius looked at his hand for a while and was about to look away when Remus blurted out. " I love you. Just take my hand. I love you, Padfoot."

"What did you just say?" Sirius looked at him, confused.

"I said I love you, Padfoot." Remus said again, desperately praying that this worked.

"You've never said that before." Sirius mumbled as he got up and swayed on his feet.

"I know. But I'm telling you now because I'm real. Not some trick of your mind. I'm very real." Remus said as Sirius trudged towards him.

Sirius deliberated. " Mooney." He croaked as Remus felt his warm skin welcome Sirius's cold clammy fingers.

"Oh Merlin!" Remus sighed as he saw the light in Sirius's eyes return. "Yes. Yes, It's me."

"I told you not to come." Sirius said as Remus took his hand between his palms and stated rubbing them, hoping that the warmth of the friction would help Sirius. He was so cold.

"I had to. They got Peter." Remus said as he smiled in relief.

It took Sirius a while to process the news. "Good. Oh my god!" He sighed. "When's the trial?"

"Tomorrow." Remus said. " I don't think they'll let you be there."

"No..no they won't." Sirius sighed again. " But you can be there."

"I will."

" Good. Yes. Attend it for the both of us." Sirius said.

"Sirius." Remus placed his palm on his cheek. "This will be over tomorrow." Sirius's demeanour was full of emotion. His eyes were bright with tears. He look happy, sad, angry and scared all at the same time. " This is happening, Sirius. There's no need to worry."

"Plenty of things can still go wrong." Sirius's voice broke.

"Maybe. But now they know that Peter's alive. He pretended to be dead for twelve years. That in itself is enough to shake the foundation on which you were imprisoned." Remus said.

Sirius nodded. He understood the situation but wasn't quite ready to believe it.

"Does Peter's mother know?" Sirius asked. She had been good to them all when they were at school. They liked her.

"I don't know Sirius." Remus sighed. He hadn't spared a single thought to it. " After..you know after, I met her a few times, I checked in on her but as they years went by she grew aloof and it got harder and harder for me to..So I just..." _left. I just left._ Remus's face burned in shame. He'd been left alone and he'd been so angry about it but he'd done the same thing to Mrs. Pettigrew. _I'm a horrible person._

"It's okay." Sirius whispered as he cupped Remus's hot, blushed cheeks.

"No, it isn't. I'm not proud of it but it's what I did. I fell so very far Sirius..." Remus looked down at his feet.

"Hey..hey..Remus." Sirius urged him to look up." It happens to the best of people. It's only human..."

"But I'm not..." _Human._ The words almost escaped Remus and he had to bite it back.

Sirius looked surprized. " Don't say that. No matter what you are-you are a human being above all else."

Remus nodded his head.

"It's the Ministry, isn't it?" Sirius fumed in anger. " They told you something at the trial."

"Forget about it, Sirius" Remus sighed. " It doesn't matter."

"Fuck the whole lot of them." Sirius almost shouted.

"Mr. Lupin." A guard came." You should leave now. You've been here long enough." He looked quite irritated.  

Sirius pulled his hair. "Fuck. I shouldn't have shouted." He looked at Remus in desperation. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine Sirius." Remus smiled as the guard attempted to pull him away. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Sirius sighed and allowed himself to smile. _Tomorrow, then._

* * *

 

"Remus." The voice was familiar and it made Remus's face burn in shame. He turned around to see Mrs. Pettigrew standing, looking lost and scared. She'd always been of a short stature but she'd always been healthy. The woman he now saw in front of him looked greyer and sicker than Remus remembered but then again, it had been almost nine years since he'd last visited.

"Mrs. Pettigrew." Remus greeted.

"You never came back." She said and her eyes watered up..

Remus sighed. He had nothing to show for himself. There was nothing he could say that would excuse his behaviour and given the current situation it seemed the best option was for Remus to keep quiet.

"They sent me a letter saying they found my boy. They found Peter." She said and rubbed her nose in her handkerchief.

"Yes, Mrs. Pettigrew, that's right." Remus replied.

She looked faint. "Sirius didn't kill him then?"

"Let's get you seated somewhere." Remus bit back his anger and guided her through the hustling corridors of the Ministry to a less crowded place where she could sit. He had to remind himself that Mrs. Pettigrew was a victim of the same lie that he'd lived through for twelve years. This woman knew nothing of the heinous crimes her son had committed.

"I don't understand." Mrs. Pettigrew said, " If he has been alive all this while, where has he been? Is he hurt? Is my little boy in pain." She looked positively lost. " They asked me to bring a picture in case I had to identify him." She said and showed him a picture. It was a picture of Sirius and Peter playing gobstones at Peter's house during the summer before seventh year. They were both looking at the muggle camera, smiling without a care in the world. Remus wished things were that simple again. Why had they missed Peter turning over to the other side? When had he turned?

"Remus, my dear, what is going on?" She asked again as she caught Remus staring at the picture.

"I don't think I am the right person to tell you anything." Remus said.

" Well who else is there?" She said hysteric. "My husband, your friends and their parents are all dead. You stopped visiting. Peter was dead. I almost made my peace with it because he died defending his friends but now the Ministry is saying that he has been alive all this time and he is to stand trial...for what? I just don't understand." She wiped her eyes with her handkerchief.

Remus sighed and sat down beside her. He checked his watch. The trial was still fifteen minutes away. " Mrs. Pettigrew this might be hard." She looked confused but Remus continued. " Peter is not dead. Peter was the secret keeper not Sirius. Peter betrayed them. He knew where James and Lily was hiding. He told it to You-Know-Who and he killed them."

"No..No..Sirius was the secret keeper..Peter told me..."

"He wasn't. When Sirius found out and confronted him, he blew up the street and disappeared, killing the twelve muggles in the process and set Sirius up to take the blame for it."

"Disappeared how?" She asked.

"Your son is an illegal animagus, they all are-Sirius, James and Peter."

" This is not possible, Peter wasn't even than good in magic and you are telling me he was an animagus? He wasn't that skilled." She nodded her head in denial.

"Apparently he was." Remus said. _He deceived us. He deceived us all._

"No..No." She suddenly got up. "You're lying." She said and walked away as fast as her leg would carry her. Remus sighed and made his way towards the court room.

* * *

 

As the court assembled, Remus saw that there were numerous others in the court as well. There were civilians and the press and ministers other than the interrogators were present. He seated himself in one corner, far away from people but it offered a good view of the dealings. Across from him on the other side was seated Mrs. Pettigrew, making herself very small amongst the over whelming crowd. Dumbledore arrived, the court was ordered to assemble and Peter was ordered to be brought in.

Remus held his breath as the guards bought in a short, plum man with thin white hair and a bald patch on top. His nose was long and pointed, eyes watery and small. Remus would've never recognized him in any other situation, he looked so much like the rat he was. He was made to sit on a chair and it magically shackled Peter while he fought against it.

There was a loud gasp from the audience and people began murmuring. Remus felt nothing but hate and disgust. He had had arranged a funeral for this man and mourned him along side two of his best friend who died to save their child. All the while Peter was the traitor, hiding in the shadows while Sirius had to rot in Azkaban. He wanted to strangle Peter with his bare hands, no magic, so that he could feel the life draining out of him. Peter stole everything life could've offered them.

His thoughts were broken by Dumbledore's loud voice. "Silence."

"Mr. Peter Pettigrew you have been bought here to stand trial for the murder of twelve muggles on 1st November 1981. How do you plead?" There was fire even in Dumbledore's voice and demeanour. The power he held radiated off him and Peter cowered.

"Not guilty, Professor." he said in a timid, squeaking voice.

"Mr. Pettigrew you will be given a dose of Veritaserum now and then we will begin questioning." Dumbledore said.

Peter's eyes went wide in horror and he struggled against the guard who was ordered to give him the dose. It took two more guards to over power Peter but eventually he gave up and drank the liquid. The Ministry started questioning him.

"Is your name Peter Pettigrew?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes."

"Did you attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry from 1971-1978 as a Gryffindor?"

"Yes."

"Were you friends with James Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin?"

"Yes."

"Are you an animagus?"

"Yes." Peter said through gritted teeth.

"What was your animagus form?" Dumbledore asked.

"A rat." Peter said again, visibly trying not say anything.

There was another wave of shocked gasp across the members of the court but silence returned quickly as Dumbledore asked his next question.

" Were you the Potters' secret keeper during the first wizarding war?"

"N..N...N..." Peter struggled against the magic in his veins. " Yes." He finally blurted out and even Dumbledore looked relieved. The whole court room fell silent and Remus hung his face in his hands, sighed in relief and rubbed the tears off his eyes. Across from him, Mrs. Pettigrew looked positively faint.

"Were you a spy for Voldemort during the last war?" Dumbledore asked in a dangerously low voice. Remus knew it was personal even for Dumbledore who kept everyone at arms' length. Peter had sided with an evil that Dumbledore had dedicated his life to vanquish.

"Yes." Peter's voice had shifted too. Gone was the timid, soft, broken voice. It was replaced by maniacal pride and bloodlust.

"Who recruited you? When were you recruited?" He asked.

"It was a year before the fall of The Dark Lord. Bellatrix Lestrange caught hold of me and took me to the Dark Lord. I 'd thought he would kill me. He had his wand raised, ready to use the killing curse but when I begged for mercy, he showed me kindness. He did not kill me. His asked me to tip him off about the Potters' whereabouts in return for my safety. I began to prefer his ideals and I was well rewarded for my service. And when James, Lily and Sirius decided to make me the secret keeper, I found the perfect way to please my master. I told him where they were hiding so that The Dark Lord could kill Harry Potter and become the most powerful wizard." Peter laughed, a cruel, spiteful sound that seemed to reverberate through out the room.

Everyone was shocked into silence and Remus saw red. At that instant he hated Peter so much that all the wolfish instinct that he kept buried inside wanted out to kill Peter. Remus could feel his control slip. He excused himself, ran to the bathroom and spelled it soundproof before he smashed the mirror and screamed and punched the wall till he felt his pain outdo his anger. _Fuck you Peter! Fu..fuck you!_ He screamed till he couldn't scream anymore. These words were a kindness. Every punishment Peter could possible receive seemed like a kindness in comparison to the pain he'd caused. When he couldn't feel his fists anymore, he allowed himself to breath There was blood dripping down his hands and stains on his shirt. He repaired the mirror, used a few spell to clean himself up and splashed cold water on his face and neck. _Get it together, Lupin._

When Remus returned to the courtroom he picked up that nothing much had happened. Apparently, Mrs. Pettigrew, on hearing her son's confessions had fainted and the court proceedings had been halted till she was carried away by medical help.

"Describe the events of 31st October 1981." Dumbledore asked.

"That morning James, Lily and I completed the spell and they went into hiding at Godric's Hollow in James's parents' house. After the spell was completed, I met Sirius at James's old flat to inform him that the spell was completed. We decided Sirius would check in on me that night. After that I went to The Dark Lord and told him that the Potters' were in hiding. He didn't want to waste another day. He told me to take him to their hiding spot that evening. I did as I was ordered. I waited as my Master attempted to kill the boy. But James and Lily got in his way and he killed them. When he attempted to kill the boy, something happened. There was an explosion and the Dark Lord was gone. I feared discovery so I transformed and ran." There was no remorse in Peter's voice-fear, maybe, but no remorse.

Remus sat with his face covered with his hands. Peter had been there that night. Peter had gone with Voldemort to kill them! Had James and Lily seen him? Oh! How betrayed they must've felt. How shocked James must've been to see Peter standing beside Voldemort. Did Peter hear their cries? Did Peter hear Harry crying for his parents?

"What happened next?" Dumbledore asked.

"I told Bellatrix and Barty Crouch what had happened and they went insane in rage. They swore that they would kill off as many people as they could because everyone was busy celebrating and it would be easy to catch them off guard. I went into hiding but somehow the dog, Sirius found me. It took me time to come up with a plan but I knew I could make Sirius walk right into my trap because he was following me. He's always so rash when he's enraged." Remus's heart missed a beat on seeing how easily Peter spoke of Sirius in present tense, like he was talking about some stupid prank. " So I lured him to a muggle area and forced him to confront me there. He was coming to kill me so I just shouted that he'd betrayed them all and killed them. I cut off my finger and blasted off the whole street before I went into hiding. A few days later I came across a copy of The Daily Prophet in a bin and saw that the blast had killed twelve people and that I was presumed to be murdered by Sirius. He'd been taken into Azkaban for those crimes."

"So you confess that you were the one who killed twelve muggles on the night on 1st November 1981?" Another minister asked. "It was not Sirius Black?"

"Yes...No." Peter answered

"Was Sirius Black on You-Know-Who's side? The minister asked.

"No, He wasn't."

"You framed Sirius Black?" Cornelius Fudge asked.

"I did." Peter said.

The crowd broke out into whispers. Remus picked up a few words. _Twelve years in Azkaban...innocent of his crimes._ Remus wanted to cry out of relief. Sirius would finally be cleared off these crimes. Dumbledore and Fudge exchanged worried glances.

"So you went into hiding?" Another female minister asked.

"Yes. I found a wizarding family and took shelter there."

"Why haven't you attacked Harry Potter even though you had full access to him for the past two years?" She asked.

"I will wait for The Dark Lord to rise again. He'll want to kill the boy himself." Peter said proudly.

"You-Know-Who is gone." Fudge said, outraged.

"No. He will return again." Peter shouted with conviction and the crowd gasped.

"Silence." Dumbledore bellowed. "I believe we have no more questions to ask you. The court will resume in thirty minutes to announce it's verdict."

Remus sat as the crowd cleared out and wondered how it would be like to walk in the streets with Sirius again. He wouldn't be alone anymore. Sirius wouldn't have to hide anymore. He would be a free man. They would both be free. Another thirty minutes and he would walk out with Sirius. As the room was arranged for the next half, Remus saw two chairs being set up at the centre. They would bring Sirius too! A part of Remus was glad that Sirius would be present during Peter's sentencing but another half feared that Sirius might act like a maniac on seeing him.

There was a restless energy among the people as they gathered again. Peter was brought in first followed by Sirius. Remus could see Sirius's chest heave in anger as he was made to sit beside Peter. Neither looked at the other. Remus wondered back at all the good times they had had in school. How blissfully happy this situation would be if this was Hogwarts, Sirius and Peter being reprimanded by Dumbledore for pranking Snape yet again. It wouldn't be a bad place to go back to. It would be a million times better than seeing one of his best friend being sentenced to Azkaban again. He hated Peter but somewhere at the back of his mind, there was a dam breaking, spilling pain through crevices. He'd loved Peter like a brother for so many years, somewhere it was bound to hurt. If Remus closed his eyes and let his mind wander could they really be fifteen again, back in Hogwarts? It couldn't hurt to try, right? So Remus really closed his eyes and breathed and tried to will time to go back twenty years, he tried picturing Dumbledore's office and Sirius, Peter and James standing in front of him, still proud of their prank, no matter how many detentions it cost them. But when Remus let go and opened his eyes again, they were still at the ministry and one of his brothers was still going to Azkaban.

"All in favour of clearing Mr. Sirius Black of all charges?" Dumbledore asked. Every single interrogator raised his hand.

"All in favour of convicting Mr. Peter Pettigrew of the murder of twelve muggles and aiding Lord Voldemort in the murder of James and Lily Potter?" Dumbledore asked. True to the last time, every single person raised his hands.

Dumbledore sighed and at that moment Remus realized how hard the trial must've been on him. Peter had betrayed him too and he hadn't been able to identify the traitor back then. It had cost many lives from the Order and the death of all those people were on his conscience. He too had finally found closure. He'd manoeuvred this trial with great care. Getting a warrant and catching Peter from a pure blood wizarding family couldn't have been easy.

"Mr. Black, this court had made a grave mistake by sentencing you to Azkaban twelve years ago. While we cannot give you back the time that was taken from you we will offer you an official letter apologizing for the mistakes that the Wizengamot made and we thank you for aiding in the capture of the real culprit." Fudge said. " Mr. Black you are cleared of all charges."

Through his own cloudy eye, Remus could see Sirius's bright eyes and heaving chest as he tried to contain his emotions.

"Mr. Pettigrew, you are sentenced to life imprisonment at Azkaban." Dumbledore said. "This trial is now closed."

Peter was dragged away by guards while the other chair unshackled Sirius. But he sat there. Remus waited for the crowd to clear out to go down to him. In the mean time he saw Dumbledore come up to Sirius and say something. Sirius nodded and Dumbledore shook his hand and walked away, his black robe sweeping behind him.

Remus slowly came down to him and Sirius smiled. He looked broken. " I'd..I'd thought I wo..would feel better." His voice shook. "It doesn't feel as good as it should." He sniffed as Remus helped him up.

"I know." Remus said as he wiped his own tears off his face.

"He really did it, Mooney! He killed all those people." Sirius clung to him.

Remus carried him to a secluded bathroom, away from peoples' judgemental gaze and the press. Sirius clung onto him and cried. " He's going to Azkaban." He said. "He'll go insane. He was like a brother."

"I know, Sirius. I know." Remus whispered into his ears.

" All those times I planned to kill him, watch him go to Azkaban all I'd felt was rage and the need to kill. I never felt this pit of sadness trying to wallow me whole." Sirius said with his face buried in Remus's chest.

"Shh...Sirius. Calm down. It's okay. It's okay to feel this way." Remus said against his own tears as he held Sirius tight.

"No. No. It's not. He killed them. He killed James and Lily and I feel bad for him." Sirius screamed in anger. " I hate myself for it."

"Hey..Sirius." Remus pulled away and forced Sirius to look at him. "Peter was a brother and a friend, a room mate, a class mate. We were the Marauders. We had glorious, wonderful, love filled years. We made that Map. He along with the rest of you became animagus for me. Peter did that for me. He stayed with us, with me, every full moon for years. We saw brilliance together. We lived and loved and pranked together. We decided to fight together. We will always love that Peter. Today we mourn the death of that Peter not the one whom you saw inside. Okay?" Remus said his eyes welled up again.

Sirius nodded as he tried to control his breathing. He seemed to contemplate on something. " We can celebrate my freedom tomorrow." He finally said.

"Good." Remus said and smiled. "Let's go home now."

When they came home it was almost evening and it had started raining outside.

"You need to eat something first." Remus had insisted and they both ate bread and eggs in amicable silence.

"Bath?" Sirius suggested next and they both stood under the shower for hours, kissing and relearning each others' bodies. Sirius kissed Remus's new scars and Remus whispered the stories behind them. Finally Sirius kissed the scars on Remus's wrists.

"Some other time." Remus whispered, water trickling down his face. Sirius couldn't tell if he was crying but obliged.

"Your tattoos?" Remus asked.

"It just happened." Sirius sighed and looked down at himself. " Wand less magic I guess. I remembered it from books at school. There were to protect me..my sanity. I just wished them to be there and then they were there."

Remus looked at him in awe. "That's really impressive."

"Well I was desperate. So.." Sirius kissed Remus again. "They've faded since I got out."

Later they sat by their bedroom window and Remus brought out a bottle of wine and glasses. The rain outside was heavier now, thunder cracking in the sky. The neon lamps were the only things illuminating the pitch darkness.

"Where did you get that?" Remus asked, looking at the bottle.

"I'd brought it before. I was supposed to take it the dinner we had planned together at James's. But Dumbledore sent me away on Order business." Remus said as he poured two glasses out.

"So this has been.."

"...here all along. Yes" Remus said. " We should've loved him more." He said after a few sips.

"Who Peter?"

Remus nodded. " We use to consider him the weakest. Maybe we didn't appreciate him enough."

Sirius remained silent. He didn't know why he felt bad. Just that he did but he was in no position to try and justify Peter's actions.

"I'm not justifying him. Just trying to find a reason for why he did what he did." Remus took another sip of the wine and looked out of the window. The rain had created small puddles of water on the street below. " I never told anyone you were an animagus even when I thought you were responsible. Yet it took us so little to expose him."

"I was already in Azkaban, Mooney." Sirius said. " Peter was running free."

"Point." Remus agreed. "I'm just saying. James had Lily, you and I were together. Maybe he was just lost."

"Well it doesn't excuse what he did!'' Sirius said.

"No, it doesn't." Remus sighed.

"I don't feel different.Do you have cigarettes?" Sirius asked. He hadn't smoked in ages!

"As a matter of fact I do." Remus got the packet and an ashtray from the bedside table. " I've been planning for this for a while. What do you mean?" He winked and Sirius blushed.

"Merlin Mooney! It's been so long." Sirius stretched as Remus lit a cigarette with his wand and handed him one.

Remus smiled. " Tell me about it."

"I mean, here, sitting with you..nothing feels different. It fact it feels old, comforting. Dumbledore said he would come over." Sirius said taking a long drag from the cigarette.

"That is a good thing, isn't it? It's already ten." Remus said looking at his watch. " What did he want? Dose he know we live here?"

"I don't know. Just said he would come over." Sirius said." Dumbledore knows everything. And yes it is. It's good."

"That's comforting." Remus snorted and the door bell rang.

" See, he always knows." Sirius said as they went to get the door.

"Ah! Sirius, Remus. I'm sorry to be intruding so late in the night." He said as they sat down around the table. His bright blue eyes twinkled. " But here is your letter from the Ministry." He said handing Sirius a letter.

"Thank you." Sirius said looking at a little wary.

"There's another good news too." Dumbledore said. " You can meet Harry, your godson anytime you like but I have to talk to him first. So tell me when you would like to meet him."

Sirius's eyes lit up like Christmas lights. "Any time. I would like to meet him now..but.."

Dumbledore chuckled. " How about day after tomorrow?"

"Perfect." Sirius said.

"Okay, then." Dumbledore said and got up to leave.

Remus walked him to the door. " Thank you, professor." He said. " For everything. It means a lot and as always, I'm in your debt."

"No. Remus, there's no debt for this one. I needed to know the truth too." Dumbledore said. "We are in your debt. Had it not been for you, Sirius could've suffered a fate worse than death and Peter would go free."

Remus smiled uncomfortably. He could never take a compliment. " Can I see him too?- Harry I mean." He asked. " I know I have no legal right.."

Dumbledore placed a hand on his shoulder. " Of course you can. You and Sirius are family. You are Harry's family too."

Remus was overwhelmed by gratitude. " Thank you, professor."

"Do not forget our arrangement for the next term." Dumbledore said and was gone with a pop.

Remus found Sirius back by the window smoking another cigarette." I can meet Harry." He said with childlike enthusiasm.

" So can I." Remus said as he sat down and smiled.

"Of course you can. You had doubts?"

"I just needed to tell Dumbledore first." Remus said as he lit a cigarette for himself.

"Okay." Sirius said and gave Remus's arm a gently squeeze.

Both of them sat together with wine and cigarette as the rain pelted outside. For once, their world was alright.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just another chapter left to tie off lose ends.


	15. Chapter 15

" I don't think I should do this today." Remus said, lying in bed, his fingers going through Sirius's hair. He was staring up at the spotted, dusty ceiling and wondering how it would never seem a time good enough to meet Harry. He was worried about his animalistic instincts. What if something gave away his beastly nature even before Harry had a chance to know what his being a werewolf meant?

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, looking up from Remus's chest. His features were blank, unreadable like they usually were when he was thinking about himself.

Remus stayed quite for a while, trying to arrange the thoughts in his head as Sirius levelled himself to Remus and placed a palm on his cheek. "It's alright.", he said with such tenderness that it made Remus want to cry. It would always be _okay_ for Sirius. Sirius had accepted him heart and soul, man and beast. Sirius would die if Mooney ever wanted to kill him- no questions asked. But it was unfair, so unfair that Sirius would do this for him and he would be incapable of controlling the beast with in him.

"I'm not...with other people..the way I'm with you." Remus finally said because saying anything else seemed impossible. He closed his eyes and let himself lean into Sirius's touch.

"Okay. I might've understood that sentence." Sirius chuckled but heart seized uncomfortably at how ashamed Remus looked. He always expected too much of himself. " You're not yourself you mean." He whispered.

Remus nodded. "I don't know myself most days. I'm rude, harsh-not good." He whispered. He hated being so open and vulnerable."No good enough to meet Harry and I have to tell him that I left him."

Sirius sighed. Remus could've never been able to look after Harry alone. Every freaking person in the world knew it. But Remus being not good enough..no.. _absolutely not._ "Bullshit. I can't believe.."

"No, Sirius.."

"No, Remus, I get it." Sirius said. " You were angry at the world and lashed out when it hurt you...because it was hurting you."

"Even when Dumbledore came at first, I was so angry. He asked me to protect Harry and instead of agreeing in a heart beat, I asked him why he needed my help. I've been ready to protect him since day he was born but Dumbledore took him away and didn't let me see him for twelve years. I am so angry.."Remus said through clenched jaws and pulled his hair. He sat up suddenly irritated and ashamed and disgusted at himself and at the way the sheets twisted around his too thin legs and stuck to his scarred skin in the humid air. _I'm disgusting, good for nothing..werewolf._

Sirius gently pulled Remus's hand away from his hair. " You are missing the point. You were ready to protect him. You were cynical towards Dumbledore and it isn't like the man hasn't acted selfishly before. Anger brings out the worse in us. And even if things didn't work out the way they did, wouldn't you have protected Harry?

"I would've, I guess." Remus knew he would. " But I am jealous of him. Jealous that you broke out of Azkaban for him and not.." Remus's voice broke and he pressed his palms against his eyes. How many times would he bring it up with Sirius? It seemed petty, childish almost.

"Remus." from the way Sirius's voice quivered, Remus could say that his eyes were bright and wet even without looking. " I would die and kill for you, with you. I escaped to save Harry but if I did so before - without knowing where Peter was and came to you, would you believe me?"

"I would." Remus looked at him and said in a heartbeat. " I would believe you ,Padfoot."

Sirius looked unconvinced." I was scared you wouldn't. I didn't betray anyone else but I betrayed you. I couldn't have come to you without proof and cause not to mention that I would put you at risk for aiding me." Sirius said.

"Okay." Remus said quietly. He knew it was true. He would want to believe Sirius, his heart would've but his mind? That was a completely different story. "The moon is in four days. What if I do something wrong? What if Harry is disgusted by me?"

"You wanna tell Harry about your furry little problem today?" Sirius asked, surprized.

"Well, yeah." Remus said matter-of-factly. " You'll ask him to come and live with us. He should know that he'll be moving in with a werewolf."

Sirius looked at Remus in awe. The man, his capacity for love and honesty, never ceased to amaze him. "You love Harry. We had to confront you and you are just ready to tell Harry. You haven't met him yet, yet you love him enough to bare your secret at great personal cost. You love him and he'll love you."

"What?" Remus asked. Nothing Sirius had just said made sense to him. He never saw himself that way. He wanted to tell Harry about his condition so that Harry could decide if he wanted to live with someone who turns into a murderous beast once a month.

"You're scared he'll hate you." Sirius said and paused as Remus's face fell. His features smoothed out and he squared his shoulders. Sirius despised that look of resignation on his face. Remus had always been sacred of people hating him and had always been quick to accept it. Sirius cupped Remus's face and gently pulled him in for a kiss. It was all Sirius could do to reassure Remus that he was worthy of being loved. Words never worked with him anyway.

As they broke away, Remus rested his forehead against Sirius's and sighed. "What if he _does_ hate me?"

"He has been raised by muggles. They don't teach kids to hate werewolves. Besides he's James and Lily's kid-I don't think he'll be intolerant which brings me to my concern..." It was Sirius's turn to sigh.

"Oh Merlin!" Remus closed his eyes and scoffed. Life just kept throwing more and more difficulties at them.

"Yes." Sirius sighed. " Muggles tell their children that we are.. _wrong_."

"We should still tell him." Remus said. "He should know and then decide if he wants to come live with us."

"Merlin Mooney! Why are we such misfits?" Sirius struggled against Remus as he tried to get out of bed. "Come on, Mooney. There's still time."

 _I ask myself that every day._ "We should get ready." Remus untangled himself from the sheets _._ "We are supposed to meet him in two hours."

Sirius sighed and laid back on the bed as Remus went for a shower. Would Harry really hate them for being who they are? Sirius reverently prayed against it. But he'd loved the idea of a godson for so long that it seemed impossible of him to see any other way. He'd seen Harry, yes, but in his imagination, heart and soul, Harry was still a bundle of flesh, toothless laughter and incessant crying green eyes, incapable of hate or dislike. He knew nothing of what Harry had grown up to be. He stared at the ceiling praying for a miracle as he realized all of Remus fears were completely rational. It was he who was irrational, hoping to be loved by someone who had no idea of his existence for twelve years. He rolled over the edge of the bed and lit a cigarette from the packet lying on the ground from the previous night. A gust of air from the window displaced the humid air in the room and Sirius breathed in the fresh air. _Things would be fine. They had to take this chance._

He heard the shower stop and Remus came out wearing a towel, hanging loosely from his hips and Sirius couldn't tear his eyes away. He'd seen Remus naked plenty of times over the past month but being locked up for twelve years changed perspectives. At twenty one he'd believed he would have an entire lifetime of seeing Remus naked but now even though they had another lifetime ahead of them, Sirius knew that cards turn in the blink of an eye. He would seize every moment and appreciate Remus at evert turn now.

Remus grinned at him. " Like what you see?" He too was staring at Sirius, how his very naked, pale body looked against the dark green sheets. Sirius used to smoke in the morning like this, back at Hogwarts. _Some things never change._

Sirius smiled as Remus picked the cigarette off his lips. "Go take a bath." he said. " You smell of last night."

Sirius blushed. " Don't pretend you don't like it." Sirius rolled over in the bed and looked up at Remus standing over him.

"Oh, I love it." Remus bent down and kissed him. " But I can't let other people smell you like us, can I?" he whispered against Sirius's ears.

Sirius's face was suddenly hot and Remus's husky voice made him feels things but not at the right palace. _Damn it._ It embarrassed him further.

"You know it's okay, right?" Remus asked, concerned as he saw Sirius's embarrassment.

Sirius swallowed but his tongue felt like sand paper in his suddenly dry mouth. He nodded.

"We can go to a healer when and if you are comfortable. Even if it's not...It's okay. I love you." Remus sat down beside him.

Sirius pressed his face against the towel on Remus's thigh. It was so unfair that he wouldn't be able to show Remus how much he loved him. He would go to a healer if that's what it took. He wouldn't let Azkaban take away his chance at...being...with Remus.

"Okay." Sirius said after a while as Remus butted out the cigarette on the ashtray and ruffled Sirius's hair.

" Everything will be fine. " Remus said and kissed him again. " Shower. Now. We'll be late."

Sirius smiled a strange feeling of relief washing over him as he realized that he and Remus had fallen back in an easy rhythm. _Things would really be fine._

* * *

 

　

As they entered the dingy but warm pub, Leaky Cauldron's sparse population began speaking in whispers and giving them pointed looks.

"Brilliant." Remus whispered under his breath. "As if today wasn't difficult enough."

Sirius's confidence from the morning wavered. Last time Sirius had been twenty one and carried Harry around in his arms. And today he still felt twenty one, Azkaban had given no space for emotional growth, meeting his thirteen year old godson. It was fucking insane.

"We should sit." Remus said but Sirius was rooted to his spot looking at someone descending the stairs.

Sirius's breath caught as he saw Harry come down the stairs. He was a splitting image of his father and even walked like him. That was until he raised his eyes to look at them. _Oh Lily!_ Harry seemed to be taken aback at the sight of him too. He stood on the stairs till Remus forced a smile and nodded his head in recognition. Harry came down the stairs and sat across the table from them.

Sirius and Remus couldn't seem to get his eyes off him. Sirius hadn't expected the sudden rush of gratitude he felt towards the universe for keeping him alive. He was finally meeting his godson. Fuck that. It was only a title. Harry was his son. He'd know that the moment James had allowed him to take Harry in his arms in the white walled room at St. Mungo's.

"Hi." Harry said, a little uncomfortable and faltered under their gaze. Sirius could only imagine how uncomfortable Harry must suddenly feel at the sight of two men beaming at him like he was the only miracle in the world. _But he was. He surely was their miracle._

"...um..yeah..hi." Sirius smiled. " Sirius Black, godfather and this is Remus Lupin, uncle." Sirius said pointing at Remus. Remus smiled looking at Harry the way he had thirteen years ago.

"Yeah!" Harry said. " Dumbledore told me and The Prophet was full of the news yesterday. It's nice to finally meet you."

"Yes." Sirius nodded. " It's.." He couldn't say _nice_. It was a freaking miracle.

"Great." Remus supplied. " I believe is the word he's looking for."

Harry smiled. " So you broke out of Azkaban for...me."

"I..yes..I..I did." Sirius gasped. " God you're like a splitting image..."

"Of my father yes." Harry smiled. " I get that a lot."

"But your eyes..." Remus said looking deep into them.

"My mum's. Yeah." Harry nodded. "Get that a lot too."

"You must be tired of hearing it." Remus chuckled.

"No. I've never heard it from family before." Harry said. " Random people who just knew them."

No one _just knew_ James and Lily Potter. Remus thought. _Your parents were loved so much by everyone._ But he guessed no one had ever told Harry about their legacy. There would be time for that later, Remus liked to imagine. But Harry had just called them _family!_

 _Family._ The word made Sirius's heart expand and glow. Harry just called them family. He looked at Remus and saw that he was glowing too.

"I'm sorry, Harry." Remus said." We might look a little awkward to you, tongue-tied and...you have to understand you were taken from us when you were little." Remus faltered.

Harry looked at him in confusion.

"I was there when they died, Harry." Sirius said softly. " I wanted to bring you home but Dumbledore sent Hagrid to take you to your aunt and there was nothing I could do."

" So Dumbledore knew that I had a family but still kept me with the Dursleys' ?" Harry asked, annoyed and pushed his glasses up his nose. _Exactly like James,_ Sirius thought.

"Harry, no." Remus said. " He did what he did to protect you. It has gotten you this far in spite of the dangers lurking in the shadows."

"Lord Voldemort you mean? The paper said.."

"We don't know if that's true." Remus said.

"Why didn't you come visit me or something?" Harry suddenly asked Remus. There was no accusation in his voice but he sounded hurt. ''You weren't in Azkaban, you could've come or I could've stayed with you."

"Harry, I..." Remus's voice quivered and he faltered, unable to look him in the eye. He looked at Sirius for help.

"Harry, primarily Dumbledore told him not to be in contact with you and there's this other thing..." Sirius glanced uncomfortably at Remus once. Remus nodded. Sirius spoke in whispers "You see, Remus has a terrible condition. It's known as Lycanthropy. Every once in a month, on the full moon, he turns to a werewolf. Do you know about any of these?"

Harry nodded his head. No. Remus kept his eyes down and stared at his hands, clasped tightly on the table. He needed to be ready for the worse. There was a good chance Harry would be repelled him.

"Okay. So, when he turns , he is not himself anymore. Werewolves are in general a danger to the society if they roam free. They might hurt other people. You see, they lose their minds completely. The wolf takes over and the urge to hunt and kill takes dominance. Remus here is one of the exceptions." _Sirius always made him sound like the martyr._ " Werewolves are generally no allowed to learn magic or to possess a wand but Dumbledore allowed Remus to study with us. He was trained and he has a wand. These transformations are very difficult. Remus has to lock himself away during the full moon so that he doesn't hurt others. But this almost always results in him hurting himself. He is very week afterwards and it takes days for some of his wounds to heal. In spite of everything he wanted to have your but both he and Dumbledore knew it was impossible. Remus wouldn't have been able to look after you all alone. All of our friends were dead, I was in Azkaban. He couldn't have done it." Sirius said and gave Remus's hand a gentle squeeze. Sirius saw Harry's eyes' linger on their hands.

Remus was still looking down on to his hands, his posture very rigid.

"I get it." Harry said and Remus's eyes shot up to meet his. " I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..." He began apologizing but Remus cut him off.

"No. I am the one who is sorry, Harry. We are sorry." He said. " I love you very much. We love you. So very much." Remus said and saw Harry melt at the words. He looked positively elated and his eyes sparkled as he smiled. Remus's heart broke at the same time. No one must've told Harry that he was loved before.

"Harry there's something else you need to know before we ask you to come and live with us..." Remus began.

"Live with you?" Harry sounded half hysteric and half elated. Sirius turned pale. _Harry was going to say no!_

"We'll understand if you don't want to..." Remus tried.

''Are you joking?" Harry said in the same shrill voice. "Of course I want to. You have a house? When can I move in?"

Both Sirius and Remus's face broke out in grins.

"We'll have to talk to Dumbledore but of course and you can move in any day but you need to know this." Sirius smiled.

"We are..together." Remus blurted out taking advantage of the sudden sliver of hope and courage in his heart. " Like _together_ together."

"In love." Harry said. " Yeah, I pretty much got that." He smiled.

"So you don't mind?" Sirius asked already feeling the tensions in his muscles ebb away

"Of course not." Harry said. "When can I move in?"

Sirius chuckled. "We'll talk to Dumbledore." Sirius so desperately wanted to reach out and just hug Harry. _Of course not._ Harry had said. Sirius would never be able to express his gratitude to Harry for accepting them so easily. They'd hidden it their entire lives, only the Marauders and Lily were privy to their relationship. To Harry acceptance came so easily where as the world had always shunned them. James and Lily would've been proud.

Eventually they fell into an easy rhythm. Sirius and Harry began talking about Quidditch and school. Remus looked at them in wonder. He'd never thought he would get this out of life. All the dark and lonely nights he'd not been able to sleep, nights after transformations when all he wanted was Sirius and his gentle touch on his burning skin, days when hadn't been able to get up from bed because his body just won't work-it had all led him to this moment where suddenly he had everything he could every ask for. He felt fiercely protective of Sirius and Harry. He hadn't expected the fatherly feelings of love and responsibility that he felt now. Later they strolled out into Diagon Alley and had ice-cream at Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlour. Remus got chocolate ice-cream in a cup while Sirius and Harry chose mint and toffee respectively.

Sirius was still smiling when the came back home in the evening. "James and Lily would be proud." He said.

"Yeah." Remus smiled but it looked a little strained.

"What are you still worried about?" Sirius asked as he prepared tea.

Remus sighed as he carried the two cups over to the table. " Sit down." He said.

"Okay. Now you're just scaring me." Sirius said as he took his place in a chair. He didn't want the magic of the day to be over just yet.

"Nothing scary." Remus took a sip of tea and cleared his throat. " I told you right that Dumbledore came to me after you escaped?"

Sirius nodded." And offered you the Defence Against the Dark Arts position. Yes."

Remus nodded and waited as Sirius realized what he was trying to say. "Oh." Sirius said and fell silent.

Remus could see the smile fade off Sirius's face and his brows creased in deep thought. "What will you do, Mooney?"

"I will go only if you come with me." Remus said. Sirius's expression was suddenly unreadable. Maybe he shouldn't have brought this up today. But term was only a week away and it seemed too inadequate for...everything. He wanted to stay with Sirius every second of every day. He wouldn't just go away to Hogwarts for a year if Sirius didn't come with him. He wouldn't go, if that's what Sirius wanted even if he'd always dreamed of teaching at Hogwarts.

"I can't come with you." Sirius said softly. " You'll stay in the castle."

"I don't have to." Remus took Sirius's hand. " We can stay neat the castle, in the countryside. I'll just apparate or floo in everyday."

"Can you do that?" Sirius asked hopefully and grabbed Remus's hand tightly. Suddenly the thought of Remus going away seemed overbearing. But he wouldn't stop Remus. He's always wanted it and deserved it too.

"Of course I can. Beside it'll only be for a year." Remus said a little relived. Sirius was at least considering the possibility.

"What will you do next year?"

"The post is jinxed. I won't hold it for more than a year." Remus chuckled and Sirius followed. " You'll be able to visit Harry often. We'll come back here during the holidays and Harry will come with us and we'll have Christmas together."

"Sounds good." Sirius hummed. He was glad they'd both found a way.

"So you'll come with me?" Remus asked.

"Of course I will. Home is where you are." Sirius said and Remus let out a breathe he'd been holding far too long.

Sirius saw Remus relax visibly. He settled comfortably into the chair and took a sip of his tea. When he put it down on the table again, he began circling the rim with his slender, long fingers that looked like rice stocks in a green field blazing in the warmth of the setting sun. The dimly lit room made shadows dance across his face and his amber eyes looked molten gold as Remus held his gaze.

"You're staring." Remus smiled.

"I am." Sirius said quietly. "I'm try to see twelve years worth of staring at you." Colour rose to Remus's cheeks. "Blushing suits you."

Remus chuckled. "There's something else we need to do too."

"Agreed." Sirius said a hint of mischief in his eyes. " We could go to bed and we could kiss and cuddle all night and I could do other things if you wish..seeing as I can't..."

"Stop, Sirius." Remus said as he laughed out loud." That's not what I meant."

"Okay. I'm disappointed." Sirius pouted.

"Don't be." Remus said. " We can do all that but what I was saying is, we need to find those people you spoke about. The future versions of us."

"Really? You meant it when you said.."

"Of course I did." Remus said. " Besides future me might be able to tell me how I'm gonna handle you for the rest of my life."

"Rest of our lives." Sirius loved how the words felt on his tongue. Remus nodded as he realized what he'd said too. "Fine. School begins in a week, your transformation is in four days. Tomorrow then?" Sirius asked as he stood up and stretched, heading for the bedroom.

"Okay." Remus nodded, still on his chair.

"You coming?" Sirius asked from the bedroom.

Remus came several times that night.

* * *

 

Locating where Sirius might've seen the mysterious men turned out to be more difficult than Remus had anticipated. Sirius couldn't exactly remember what route he'd taken from that shack by the sea.

"You were at Kent, right?" Remus asked. Sirius nodded. Yes. "You escaped from Azkaban..how long did you swim?"

Sirius racked his brain to come up with an answer. Memories of those few days were just overlapped in his brain. " I don't know but it couldn't be more than a night, I think."

"And how long did you walk..which way did you walk?" Remus asked.

"I walked for two days along the coast and I went south. Yes, south." Sirius said scrunching his face in thought. '' And then it took me another three days to realize I that I was in Kent and another before I was in Surry."

"So it took you only a day to reach Surry from where ever you were in Kent but three days from the shack to Kent." Remus looked down at the map, brows furrowed in concentration. "You were somewhere at Thurrock." He said finally but didn't look confident enough.

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked, not entirely convinced by the look on Remus's face.

"Of course not." Remus said and gave him a pointed look." But let's try."

They apparated as far as they could, took a bus and finally they walked for two hours. "There's sand every where on me." Remus said. The full moon was making him more tired and irritable than usual.

"There it is." Sirius suddenly said and sure, Remus saw a little way up their path a shack. As they got closer, Remus realized that it was abandoned and it had been so for quite some time. The walls had caved in, half of the thatched roof was gone and there was no sign of life anywhere.

"It's abandoned." Sirius said with such disappointment that it made Remus look up at him. He looked like his faith in the world had suddenly been snatched. He looked lost and all alone.

"Sirius."

"But Mooney,..." Sirius didn't know how to complete that sentence. He looked out at the blue sea and suddenly everything seemed like a dream. Was this a dream? Was he not with Remus on some remote sea shore in Thurrock? Had he not been cleared of all his charges? Was Peter still free? "We were here, you and I." Sirius whispered in disbelief. "You and I were old and we were here and we were in love."

"We are, Sirius." Remus pulled Sirius to face him and combed away the locks that fell on his face in the wind. His grey eyes looked dull. " We are here. You and I and in love." Remus didn't like the distant, hollowness in Sirius's eyes.

Sirius wanted to reach out and touch Remus, just to know that he was real but his entire being felt heavy and Remus's words weren't making sense either, shifting in and out of focus.

"Sirius." Remus called again. _Merlin! Why was this happening?_

Sirius raised his arm but it landed heavily on Remus neck. Remus sighed as something solidified inside Sirius. Remus could see the gears start working in his brain again.

 _Oh thank Merlin!_ Sirius's mind screamed. _He's real._ Sirius's hands felt Remus's warm skin and steady pulse. Remus smiled.

"Okay?" Remus asked.

"Yeah!" Sirius smiled in return. "Wanna go inside?"

"Sure." Remus agreed.

The inside was as derelict as the outside, the four walls of mud and hay threatening to cave in on them. There was nothing in there save sand and the echoes of wind as more sand gathered at the broken edges.

"Do you think there was a storm?" Sirius asked looking around. There was nothing inside that reminded him of the warmth and safety he'd felt that night.

"Maybe. But this looks like it's been abandoned for quite some time. You couldn't have been here last month. There's no magic here either." Remus said but his eyes fell on something and his heart skipped a beat.

"There was no magic here one month ago either." Sirius said looking out at the silver horizon. "Maybe we have the wrong location. There could be plenty of sea side shacks, right?"

When Sirius received no reply, he turned around to see Remus eying something curiously near the back wall.

"Sirius." Remus's voice sounded strange even to himself. _It couldn't be what he thinks it is._ But Sirius came to stand beside him and gasped confirming his suspicions.

"Sirius, is that the journal I gave you in third year?" Remus asked rooted to his spot.

"It is the same diary on which I scribbled a thank you note before I left that morning." Sirius whispered and he grabbed Remus's arm tightly, feeling suddenly lightheaded. _What is going on?_

"How is it here?" Remus asked, heart hammering in his chest. _What the fuck is going on?_

"Should we touch it?" Sirius asked as Remus tore his eyes away from the journal to look at him. Sirius looked as confused and shocked as Remus felt.

"I don't know Mooney. I didn't bring it here, if that's what you are thinking." Sirius said. "Besides, I never told you this before but I..when I left Grimmauld Place, in my hurry to get out I forgot to pack it. I haven't seen it since then." Sirius mumbled apologetically.

"Oh!" Remus sounded disappointed but was quick to hide it.

"I'm sorry." Sirius said again. "But I didn't exactly write happy memories there."

Remus raised his eyebrows in question.

"I.." Sirius sighed. "You gave it to me so when I wrote things in it, it was like me talking to you about stuff we didn't speak out loud back then. It was mostly about home and how..you know.." Sirius trailed away.

Remus knew. He knew about Sirius's parents torturing him at home and it had taken him another year back then to tell Remus about it. Remus didn't want to bring that up and he understood that Sirius wouldn't pay special attention to pack something that held all his bad memories about his home and parents when he was about to leave them behind. "It could be a portkey." He said instead.

"That's ridiculous." Sirius laughed. "Why would someone...How would they even know we would come here? We decided this last night."

"True." Remus agreed and went back to eying the brown covered journal curiously.

Sirius took a deep breath and just picked it up before Remus could stop him. When nothing unforeseen happened, they both sighed in relief.

Sirius opened the first page. Remus's handwriting said- _Happy Fourteenth Birthday, Sirius. With all my love, Remus._

They both looked at each other and looked away immediately, suddenly embarrassed by what their thirteen year old selves had done.

"I don't remember much." Sirius said after clearing his throat and Remus had to swallow his pain because it had taken him a lot of courage to write 'with all my love' after he'd realized his newfound affections towards Sirius. As Sirius had blushed and read those words the first time and thanked him, Remus had felt a sliver of hope...

Sirius's gasp cut off his train of thoughts. " What?" He asked.

Sirius held open a page where his hand writing said, _thank you._ "I was here." Sirius said, his hands and voice trembling.

Remus looked at the page suspiciously. He was at a loss. He couldn't figure out what was going on. What would cause this? He'd read and seen enough muggle science fiction to know about worm holes transporting stuff from one place to another, or things teleporting from one place to another but those things couldn't happen in real life, right? Real magic dictated that a inconsequential journal couldn't just appear out of thin air. Sirius must have unknowingly conjured it! It meant that Sirius remembered about the said item for some reason...

"They gave me directions." Sirius said.

"Did they?" Remus asked as he recalled Sirius's apparent route that he'd seen on the map. "You took a very long road to get to Surry. I didn't tell you that this morning because I wasn't sure of this entire thing."

"But you came with me anyway. "Sirius said both surprized and annoyed.

"Of course I did." Remus said. " I wanted to know too. I want to believe in this miracle too."

"And do you?" Sirius asked like his own belief depended on it.

"I believe that you needed hope and a warm place to rest. Your magic gave you that. It helped you survive and it brought us back together. I believe that. I don't know if there's a higher power but if there is then it helped you. Maybe that is all we need to know. You don't have to believe or not believe anything. Something happened and maybe you lived because of it." Remus hoped that it would help Sirius some how. He knew he was blabbering and nothing he said made any sense but he didn't understand what had happened anyway. How could he explain it to Sirius?

"But us and this?" Sirius said holding the journal in front of them.

"We are here. We will live that long to see that day, you and I. We will grow old together. We have that now. We don't need anything else to make us believe that. I don't at least."

"Me neither." Sirius said softly, trying to come to term with the fact the he wouldn't get any more answers, just questions. But he could never deal with unanswered questions as gracefully as Remus did.

"As for the diary, you could've conjured it. Maybe it meant something special?" Remus said.

Sirius looked at Remus briefly before looking away. " You really think I conjured it up?" He asked as he traced Remus's words on the first page with his thumb. The words meant so much to him, more that he would hope to understand, let alone explain to Remus.

"It's the only explanation I can think of." Remus said looking at Sirius's shoulders as they rose and fell with every breath.

"I never forgave myself for forgetting it back then.. forgetting this.. leaving this in that house...." Sirius held the diary close to his chest.

"Why? It's just a stupid.."

"No." Sirius's soft voice cut Remus off. "It was more. So much more. It was my first ray of hope in knowing that you could love someone like me, that you might be willing to feel something for me as strongly as I felt for you. I was shit at understanding my emotions, let alone express them but I felt this...your love...even in all the confusion that came with my realizations of me."

Sirius was still turned away from Remus but Remus couldn't stop himself. He held Sirius, his chest resting against Sirius's back, head rested on Sirius's shoulder blade and hands holding Sirius tight across his chest. He felt Sirius shiver and then sob.

"I couldn't go back." Sirius said. "I was such a coward, I couldn't go back to get it and you and I were already together...."

"Shhh" Remus whispered in his ears. "It's okay. It's here now."

"You're right, Remus." Sirius said and sniffed. " You're right. We are here and you are with me and it's pathetic of me to ask for anything more than you. You are all I need. I don't need to know if we'll make it to the end. We have a chance and that is all I need. All I want." Sirius turned around in Remus's embrace to see bright amber eyes shine with happiness and hope that mirrored his own.

"Marry me?" Remus blurted out before he had a chance to think but the sudden joy that erupted in Sirius's face was worth it. His face broke out into a smile, ear to ear as he rested his hands on Remus's shoulders and caressed the wayward locks of his soft amber hair.

"I have nothing." Remus said when Sirius didn't say anything. He knew Sirius was happy but felt the need to explain himself, none the less. "I don't even have a ring or the money to buy one. I don't have enough money to take care of you either. I'm..well..Ugly..." Sirius's brows creased at that. "..But I'm letting that go for the time being because you don't seem to mind and I don't think I'm a good enough person for you or for anyone else but I'm still asking you to marry me because I love you. I can't remember a day when I didn't. It's like air and water and sunlight for me. So..."

"It's not the reason for me not saying yes." Sirius whispered, running a finger along Remus's thin lips. " What ever you are or are not is not the reason..."

"It's not?" Remus asked in disbelief.

"Oh Mooney! Absolutely not." Sirius said. "It's because I never thought you would ask and I would get to say yes. When I went looking for Peter, I knew I wasn't coming back. I never thought I could get to marry you. I would've asked you though, had things been different."

For a moment they were both lost in the past again as images of what their life could've been flashed in front of their eyes.

"No, Remus." Sirius nodded his head to get rid of the images. " I'm sorry I brought that up. We're done with the past, right? We've put it to rest now, right?"

"Yes. We did." Remus whispered.

"And do you forgive me?" Sirius asked and Remus knew that it was an apology for everything that had ever gone wrong-The prank, the mistrust and lies during the war.

"Yes." Remus whispered. "Do you forgive me for...?" _Thinking you were the traitor._

"Of coursed I do." Sirius said.

Remus was still waiting for and answer, an _yes_ to all his prayers made during the brightest of days and darkest of nights.

"Yes, Remus." Sirius whispered looking at the think line of Remus's lips that quivered as the words left his mouth. "I would love to spend the rest of my life married to you, with you." Sirius wiped away the tears that made their way down Remus's cheeks but his eyes were lit with joy as he pulled Sirius in for a kiss.

Sirius held Remus tight, with an arm around his waist and another cradling his head but still he craved more, more of Remus.Remus broke away, light headed and panting for breath.

"You okay?" Sirius asked as Remus leaned heavily on him.

"Yes...it's" Remus coughed. "It's the full moon. I'm just tired."

Sirius chuckled. "Oh Mooney I'm insulted. Your adrenaline wore off so soon?" Remus smiled but Sirius could see the fatigue take over him. "Let's go home and get you to bed?"

Remus nodded and they apparated to their flat. Sirius helped Remus into their bed and went to make some tea for both of them.

"Can I ask you something?" Remus said as he pushed himself up to sit and Sirius handed him a cup of tea.

"Sure." Sirius sat down on the edge of the bed close to Remus.

"What was in that letter?" Remus asked barely a whisper.

Sirius turned a little pale as he looked at Remus and hesitated. "I don't remember the exact words but I think what I wanted back then was a little time away from everyone, including you." He took a sip from his cup. "I couldn't stay with you, see you struggle everyday, leave on secret missions, love you and doubt you at the same time. Things were muddled in my head. I thought some distance would give me perspective to see clearly. If I could see things objectively, I might've realized that you couldn't never betray us." Sirius took another sip and Remus saw how his hands trembled. " But mostly I wrote of love, about us. Random things that my brain just put together then."

"Would you have really left me?" Remus asked. There was no accusation or hurt in his voice. Just curiosity.

"No." Sirius said." I might've stayed at James's flat for two days. That's it. I wouldn't have been able to take any more than that. You were so hurt after your missions but you never let me help and I couldn't stand it. I mean, I know now why..but I couldn't just stand and watch you dying everyday." Sirius took a sip from his cup but his hands kept shaking and the cup fell from his hands, shattering and spilling tea every where.

"Damn it." He shouted and rushed to the kitchen to get a rag to clean up the mess.

"It's okay, Sirius." Remus said and Sirius hunched down to clean up. " Sirius stop." Remus said again before muttering a spell that cleaned up the tea and repaired the cup.

Sirius sighed and sat on the ground.

"It's okay." Remus said again. "Come here." He asked Sirius, patting the empty space on the bed beside him.

Sirius looked at him with worried eyes but obliged. He crawled up on the bed, curled into a ball and pressed himself against Remus lightly, careful not put too much pressure on Remus's joints. "I would never leave you. I cannot, couldn't even back then." He whispered as Remus saw a lonely tear leak out from under tightly shut eyelids.

"I'm sorry too." Remus curled up and faced Sirius.

Sirius looked at him from under wet eyelashes. "Why?"

"For not being there when you needed me."

Sirius knew Remus was talking about Regulus's death but he really didn't want to go down that spiral again today. Wasn't today supposed to be a happy day? They had after all agreed to get married. But that's all they could do really-agree to get married. This is as close as they could get to getting actually married. Maybe he would but Remus a ring later but they couldn't exactly go to a court and get married. No. They agreed to marry each other and tonight they are as good as married.

"We're married." Sirius whispered and Remus gave a watery laugh as he pulled Sirius closer to himself.

"Yes, we are." Remus said and kissed the top of Sirius's head.

_As of tonight they were married._

 

Fin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is. The end. Thank you for putting up with me. I hope you enjoyed my writing. Thank you so much.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it.


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